


Giving Up the Ghost

by zhedang



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Ghosts, M/M, Major Character Death warning is for a ghost, Slow Burn, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-11 05:05:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 67,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5614939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zhedang/pseuds/zhedang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi's apartment is haunted, but he can't bring himself to care. A story about depression, ghosts, and letting go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote the rough draft of GUTG during NaNoWriMo 2015. It is not what I intended to write for NaNoWriMo, but I'm glad I finished it all the same. It is loosely inspired by a particular story arc in xxxHolic, with some additional influences from Fraction & Aja's run of the Hawkeye comics and Natsume's Book of Friends.
> 
> As I edit, I'll be posting each chapter as I finish it. Chapters should be posted roughly weekly, though I make no promises.
> 
> Please note that the Major Character Death warning is for a character who begins the story as a ghost.

Levi wasn't in love with the place. The building was old, originally constructed in the early 1900s according to the landlord, and had not always been kept in good condition. Levi did not need the landlord to tell him about the second part. It became obvious within the first few days that the building's insulation had rotted away, ensuring that the rooms remained hot and stuffy well into the night. The very first night he slept in the apartment, he woke up three times from the heat. First, he shed his blanket. Then he shed his pajama pants. Finally, he gave up and took a cold shower in a vain attempt at preparing to face the day on four hours of sleep.

He should invest in an AC unit for the bedroom, probably some of those heavy-duty blackout curtains for all the windows as well. He just hadn't quite found the energy to research ACs online or even go to a department store and make a blind buy. Maybe tomorrow. Or next weekend. Levi would get to it eventually.

While the building was kind of a shit heap, the apartment itself could've been worse. At the very least, it was reasonably clean. Levi verified that much before signing the lease. No mildew in the bathroom, no suspicious stains on the carpeting, no unexplained odors fouling the air. He still spent most of the first day scrubbing everything down until the surfaces shone and a faint, citrus fragrance filled the rooms.

No amount of cleaning could change the fact that the apartment's cell phone reception sucked or that the rooms were matchbox size or that he could hear the roar of trains chugging down the nearby railway. The only view the apartment offered overlooked an alley that probably hosted a mugging at least once a month. It sounded like the apartment above him held a square dancing convention every evening and the neighbors next door to him fucked loudly and frequently.

He wasn't in love with the place. But it was within his budget, hundreds of miles away from Detroit, and the landlord hadn't raised any eyebrows at his driver's license. So it was good enough.

Cleaning up the place hadn't taken him long, but unpacking was proving to be a greater challenge. Whenever he started in on a box, he soon lost whatever meager traces of motivation he'd mustered for the task. All he'd managed to free from the clutches of the cardboard so far were the cleaning supplies he'd brought with him, his toiletries and his T, about a week's worth of clothes, his bedding, his laptop and reference books for work, and enough cooking tools to feed himself whenever he remembered to. That was fine for now. He didn't really need the other stuff anyway, so unpacking the rest of his belongings got tacked onto his list of projects he'd tackle eventually.

Levi wasn't a complete lump though. He had the Wi-Fi set up as soon as possible and got back to work by the end of the second day. By his third evening at the new apartment, he found a good Chinese place that accepted online orders and delivered to his building. And on the fourth day, he discovered that if he stood next to the window that overlooked the alley, his phone got enough of a signal to function as something more than an ugly coaster. He checked his notifications. Five missed calls from Erwin, two voice mails from Erwin, eleven unread texts from Erwin, and two more unread texts from Mike. He didn't listen to the voice mail or look at all the texts, but he responded to Erwin's latest message with a short _“settling in, talk to you later.”_ Then he turned off his phone.

That was four days ago. There was a decent chance that his phone was dead by now, but Levi didn't feel like digging out the charger. He'd find it eventually, when he needed to. Fortunately, neither Erwin nor Mike knew his work email address. It wouldn't go over well with his supervisor if he stopped checking that inbox too.

At four a.m. on the eighth day, Levi woke up to frantic banging— noisy, nerve-shattering clashes that drove him out of bed and into a desperate search for the source. His heart pounded in his chest as his ears rang. Somebody needed help, needed help now. Their arms were getting weaker, lungs failing, someone had to come, they were going to die, they were going die alone.

Levi couldn't find where the noise was coming from. He hammered his fist against Mrs. and Mrs. Fuck-a-Lot's door. One of the women answered after a few moment, squinting at Levi sleepily.

“Are you all right?” Levi demanded, breathless.

The woman just blinked, scowling faintly. She was tall and rail thin, with dark brown skin that looked almost gray in the dim light. “You're that... you moved in last week, yeah? Is everything okay?”

“That's what I'm asking you!” His heart was still racing and he trembled with the need to do something, to move, fuck, he could barely get any air.

The other woman appeared behind the tall one, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand. “What's going on?”

“It's not you? You two don't hear that?” There was no way anyone could've slept through the banging, let alone ignore such a fervent plea for help.

“Hear what?”

“That—” Levi shut his mouth. The hall was quiet except for the usual creaks and moans of an old building at rest and his own pulse still beating in his ears. No banging.

“Hey, are you okay?” the shorter woman asked, pressing forward to get a better look at him. Her long, blonde hair was disheveled from rolling out of bed, but still sleek and shiny. She seemed like the princess type, not at all like someone who would scream obscenities during sex. Looking at her, Levi doubted she'd even hiss a “Shit!” if stubbed her toe on a coffee table. But he definitely recognized her voice.

“Yeah,” Levi said. “Guess I was just dreaming.”

The blonde woman frowned skeptically. The taller woman stared at Levi’s chest. Levi should have thrown on a shirt before waking up his neighbors in hysterics, but it was a little late for that now. His arms twitched with the impulse to cross them over his chest and cover up his scars, but he kept them down at his sides. Something in his demeanor must’ve warned the woman that she’d been caught though. Her eyes shot up to Levi’s face guiltily, earlier scowl gone.

“You probably just heard the train,” the blonde woman said, yawning widely. “When we first moved here, that train used to give me nightmares about Ymir being tied down to the tracks and getting run over.” She glanced up at her partner—Ymir, apparently— and Ymir smiled down at her, wrapping one arm around her waist.

“Maybe,” Levi hedged. He inched back towards the apartment. This wasn’t how he’d wanted to meet his neighbors. Hell, he hadn’t even wanted to meet them.

They let him go without much protest. Levi returned to the apartment and cast his eyes across each of the small rooms, now silent. It hadn’t been the train. But perhaps it had been part of a nightmare. It’d been years since he’d last been seized by panic like that. His heart was still drumming away in his chest, banging against his rib cage.

He couldn’t get back to sleep. Since rest wasn’t happening, he booted up his laptop and got an early start on work, ignoring the sharp throbbing in his temple and the way his eyeballs stung.

He’d been at it for hours when someone knocked on his door. He stared at the door from over his laptop screen, wondering if the landlord had come because someone had complained about him making noise last night. If Mrs. and Mrs. Fuck-a-Lot had filed a complaint, he’d file a dozen of his own about the violation his ears had been enduring since day one.

But when he answered the door, it was Ymir Fuck-a-Lot herself. Her mouth was pressed into a hard line and she carried a paper bag in one hand and a take-away coffee cup in the other. “Hey,” Ymir said, raising the bag in greeting. “So, uh, Historia’s been saying for days that we should introduce ourselves. Be all neighborly, you know, and since— well, anyway. Seemed like a good time to finally do it.”

“Where’s Historia then?” Levi asked.

“Oh, she’s in class. Actually, I’ve got class too, in a bit. We’ll probably swing by later and do this properly, just—here.” Ymir shoved the bag and cup at Levi. “Coffee from the shop across the street. And pumpkin bread, it’s really good there. Figured you could use a little pick-me-up. Moving’s tough.”

Levi accepted the offerings, deciding not to remind Ymir that he’d moved over a week ago. He lifted the coffee cup to his face. It smelled divine, warm and robust. Not at all like the instant crap he’d been drinking.

“I didn’t know if you like cream or sugar, so I had them put some in the bag,” Ymir said, shoving her hands into the large pocket of her thin hoodie. It bore the name of one of the city’s several colleges, as well as an unidentifiable stain just beneath the collar.

Levi peeked inside the bag, noting the sugar packets and little cream cups. He caught a whiff of something sweet that must’ve been the pumpkin bread and— _holy shit_. It smelled like it’d just been taken out of the oven a few minutes ago.

Levi decided he could forgive them for their loud fucking.

“So, uh, are you a student too?” Ymir asked.

“No. I’m thirty-one, school was ages ago.” Levi got that question too often to really be bothered by it anymore, but it was still annoying. Erwin always said he should be glad he looked so young, but there were few things Levi liked less than being treated like a kid. Besides, Erwin was just bitter because he’d looked like a grown ass man since he was sixteen.

“Huh. Wouldn’t have guessed.” Ymir rocked backwards on her heels, hands still fisted in her hoodie pocket. “You work then? What do you do?”

His headache pounded behind his temple. Levi didn’t have energy for this. What was Ymir still doing on his doorstep anyway? Why had she come in the first place? “I’m a translator,” he told her. And then, before Ymir could ask any more questions and draw the conversation out longer, he added, “Arabic. Mostly medical documents and things like that. I work from home.”

Ymir opened her mouth to comment, but Levi cut her off. “Listen, I really appreciate the breakfast and everything, but I’ve got to get back to work.” He gestured behind himself, where his laptop sat open on the apartment floor.

Ymir nodded, fiddling with the brim of her floral print snapback hat so that it sat more evenly on her head. “Yeah, that’s fine. Didn’t mean to interrupt. Like I said, I’ve gotta head out too.”

“Thanks. Tell Historia thank you too.” Levi began closing the door only to jerk it open again. He should probably apologize for the night before. Possibly for right now as well. But Ymir was already halfway down the hall. Levi watched her retreating back, then shut the door and fixed up the coffee.

The coffee was good and the pumpkin bread was even better. But as he ate the breakfast, thoughts of his _bibi_ rose unbidden in his mind. She had been neighborly too, cooking special dishes to bring over whenever a new family moved onto the block. When he and his mother moved in with her, she cooked up a grand feast to welcome them. Fried eggplant dipped in tahini sauce, grape leaves stuffed with lamb and rice, grilled carp, okra stew, hummus and piles and piles of warm pita.

Levi had been five years old, scared of the unfamiliar woman and her unfamiliar house, and more accustomed to eating beans on top of stale bread or maybe pancakes if his mother wasn't too tired. The sight and smell of so many strange dishes made his stomach twist and he'd refused to try anything. His mother worried that his _bibi_ would be offended, but she'd said it was her mistake, she should've guessed that Levi wouldn't be used to the foods she usually cooked. She made Levi a peanut butter sandwich instead and spent the next several years learning to make the dishes Levi knew while slowly introducing him to her own.

In the end, Levi couldn't finish the breakfast. The taste of the pumpkin bread became cloying, the coffee too bitter. Levi threw both into the trash and returned to work.

=====

That night, the ninth night, he woke again. Four a.m. Banging. Levi leaped out of bed, heart pounding in his chest and raw desperation heating him from the inside out until he thought he might throw up. His lungs burned.

Laying one hand over his racing heart, he forced himself to focus on his breathing. Deep breaths. Don’t panic. Don’t make a fool of yourself again. Even when he finally managed to get his heart rate down, it did not calm the panic rippling just beneath his skin. Help. Someone needed help. They couldn’t scream, not anymore, but they were banging, banging, over and over, but no one was coming. No one heard them.

Levi heard. He did not sleep for the rest of the night.

=====

Apparently Levi hadn’t come off to his neighbors as a total jerk. Or perhaps they thought he was a sad, lonely weirdo and took pity on him. Either way, Ymir came around again in the morning to say that Historia had invited him over for dinner that evening. A refusal rose up in his throat automatically, but the prospect of a meal that hadn’t been delivered or cooked by himself forced it back down.

Dinner was sweet potato curry made from scratch by Ymir, along with naan from the very pretentious sounding organic market she worked at. As they ate, Historia cheerfully ratted Ymir out, telling Levi that “being neighborly” was entirely Ymir’s idea and that’d she’d had nothing to do with it. “She doesn’t like people knowing she’s secretly just a big marshmallow,” Historia said with a smirk.

Ymir sputtered. “I—I’m not a marshmallow! I’m intimidating! Ask anyone at work.”

“I think it’s sweet,” Historia continued, her teasing grin turning into a soft smile. Ymir practically melted, her hunched up shoulders smoothing out into limp contentment. Marshmallow was definitely right.

The ribbing reminded Levi of Erwin and Mike. Mike loved to call Erwin a big oaf, which always made Erwin roll his eyes because, seriously, Mike? Just who is the giant here?

It wore Levi out. At least the food was good.

“So, Ymir said you work from home, Levi,” Historia said, forcing Levi to look up from the table. “What brings you to town then?”

Levi frowned, spoon hanging over the bowl of curry. A potato slipped from his spoon, landing in the bowl with a soft plop. He’d made lists with dozens of reasons for moving, ammunition in his battle with Erwin over leaving. Most of them had been bullshit, but some of them were half-truths. Of course, there was one true reason for the move, one that he couldn’t bring himself to divulge even though it would have definitely made Erwin shut up and listen.

 “Needed a change of scenery,” he told her. It was a half-truth. He couldn’t feed her bullshit when her girlfriend had just cooked the best curry he’d tasted in years for him.

“Do you move around often?” Ymir asked, sharp chin propped up on her fist. “I guess it’d be pretty easy, since you could basically work from anywhere.”

His appetite was gone. Levi set his spoon down, looking away from the two women sitting across the table. “Actually,” he answered slowly, finding it surprisingly difficult to draw the words out. “This is the first time I’ve left my home town.”

=====

On the tenth night, Levi didn’t go to bed. He stayed up, putting some extra hours into his work and then roaming the internet mindlessly. When he became so groggy that he was typing more errors into the browser’s navigation bar than actual words, he turned off his laptop and dug around in the moving boxes until he found his phone charger. He plugged in his phone, then waited.

Four a.m. arrived and with it came the terrible banging. Levi’s heart jolted like someone had ran a shot of lightning through him. His fingers trembled as he punched through his contact list to call Mike. The call went to voice mail. Levi hung up and tried again, pacing the tiny space where reception was available. His knees shook and he leaned against the wall instead, trying to ignore the desperate noises. Maybe if he ignored it long enough, he could tune it out like the trains running nearby.

Mike picked up finally, his deep voice extra throaty with sleep. “Levi?”

“Don’t wake up Erwin,” Levi said.

Mike ignored his rude greeting, but Levi didn’t hear any murmurs. Instead, there was rustling, the sounds of Mike getting out of bed and walking out of the room. “Are you okay?” Mike asked. “We were worried, little man. You haven’t been answering your phone.”

“Yeah, I know. Been busy,” Levi said. He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice. It wasn’t Mike he was mad at. He wasn’t even really mad at Erwin, to be honest. “Look, I need a favor.”

Mike being the veritable saint that he was, he didn’t question what kind of favor Levi could possibly need at four in the morning. Nor did Mike suggest that he didn’t owe Levi any favors after he’d blown off his texts and calls for over a week. Mike just agreed. And that was a large part of why it was so damn hard to hate Mike.

“All right,” Levi said. “I’m putting you on speaker, so just—just listen, okay?”

Mike gave his okay and Levi tapped the speaker phone button. After a few moments, Mike’s voice rumbled through the tinny connection. “What am I listening for?”

“You don’t hear that?” But Levi listened now too, drawing his attention away from the phone screen and his own rapid pulse beating away in his ears. Of fucking course. The banging had stopped, just as it had when he talked to Ymir and Historia. Levi glared into the impenetrable darkness of the living room, but the noise didn’t start up again. He took Mike off speaker and asked, “You didn’t hear anything when I was talking to you earlier?”

“…No? Levi, what’s going on?”

At least he didn’t demand " _Are you all right?"_ like Erwin would’ve. Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. Levi didn’t know what was going on. He had an idea, but it was too ridiculous to put into words. Not even to tell Mike, who was the human embodiment of a golden retriever and one of the most ridiculous people Levi had ever known.

“Never mind,” Levi said. “I just haven’t been sleeping well, I suppose. Hard to sleep in a new place, you know?”

Mike was quiet for a moment. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

There it was. Fortunately, Mike had always been easier to deflect than Erwin. Levi scrubbed at one eyes with the heel of his palm. “Just tired, seriously.” It was the truth, or at least another partial one. No matter how much he slept, Levi was almost always exhausted. Prone to headaches, limbs heavy and aching, constantly sore and wrung out like a rag. He’d been running on nothing but fumes for nearly a decade now, puttering around with no hope of refueling.

“Have you been meeting people?” Mike asked.

Levi rolled his eyes. “Yes.” There was no need to mention that the only people he’d spoken to face-to-face were the landlord, the overly kind next door neighbors, and the delivery guys and gals who brought food to his door. “And I’ve been flossing and washing behind my ears too, Mom.”

“Hey, living on your own can be dangerous. We're allowed to worry a little.” Mike's voice was light, but Levi still heard the gentle reprimand in it.

“I moved from Detroit, fucking Detroit. Philadelphia ain't nothing,” Levi said, willfully ignoring Mike's real meaning. “I can handle myself.”

Mike sighed, his breath like thunder through the phone line. “Well, could you shoot Erwin a text or something? He'd been doing that frown-y eyebrow thing all week. It's gonna become permanent.”

“Fine,” Levi mumbled. He'd been meaning to get around to texting Erwin anyway. It was at the top of his Eventually list.

Fortunately, Mike let the subject drop. Instead of hounding Levi, he began to tell him about the highlights from the last week, voice hushed and words slow. Levi slid down the wall of the minuscule reception zone until he was sitting on the floor. Mike usually wasn't one for embellishments-- he tended to summarize even the most epic tales into a paragraph or less. But tonight Mike's anecdotes meandered, bloated and sluggish with tacked on details. He was probably trying to keep Levi on the phone for as long as possible, like he was a terrorist and the police needed to trace his call. Or perhaps he was a wounded man on 911 and he just needed to hang on a little longer until help arrived.

He didn't mind. His new apartment was always so quiet, after all. It was what he'd wanted-- needed-- but that didn't mean he enjoyed it.

After a while though, Levi began to yawn and rub at his heavy eyelids to keep them open. Mike stopped in the middle of whatever yarn he'd been spinning (something about the grocery store, Levi hadn't been keeping track very well) to say, "Can I ask you something?"

"I guess."

But Mike said nothing for a long time. Had Levi moved out of the reception zone and lost the call? He pulled his phone away from his face to check, but finally Mike's question emerged. Each word was hesitant. "You didn't leave because of me, did you?"

With Erwin overshadowing him constantly, it was easy to forget how perceptive Mike could be. Of course, he'd probably been painfully obvious all these years. Levi's fingers twitched around the phone, stiff from clenching it for so long. "No," he answered. It wasn't a lie. He didn't blame Mike for anything. "I left because I needed to."

=====

Levi texted Erwin the next day, his eleventh day in the new apartment. It took him until late in the afternoon to figure out what to say. He read each text draft aloud to himself, trying to determine whether they sounded too pissed, too pathetic, too emo. Finally, he settled on _"busy catching up with work, i'll call you soon"_ and turned his phone off again, leaving it plugged in near the living room's eastern window.

He didn't know when soon would be. Whenever he felt up to it, he supposed. Yet another item for the Eventually list.

When the banging came that night and the foreign panic shot into his veins, Levi didn't search for the source or seek out another soul to bear witness. He didn't even get out of bed. He just listened to heavy clashing, breathing carefully until he felt fully in control of his nerves again. Then Levi rolled onto his back and addressed the empty room.

"I can't help you," he announced to the darkness. He had to raise his voice to make himself heard over the noise. "There's nothing I can do."

The banging stopped. Not abruptly, like how it'd started. It petered out, ringing in the apartment quieter and quieter until finally the last bang was little more than a whimper. The panic lifted away from Levi like a weight off his chest and he sucked in a deep breath. It rattled in his lungs like a sob.

"I'm sorry," Levi said when the apartment was silent. And somewhere-- somehow-- something in the dark listened.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi makes bad choices and acquires a roommate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains one of my favorite scenes that I've ever written. I need more Levi & Historia interaction in my life, particularly "Oh yeah, I've got the fucking spine to punch Captain Goddamn Levi" Historia. (Easily one of my top five manga scenes.)
> 
> Historia does not punch Levi in this fic. Dude already beats himself up enough.
> 
> Anyway, happy reading.

Levi was not alone.

There was no real proof. The early morning banging had not returned for an encore since the eleventh night, after all, nor had any other strange happenings risen up to take its place. And the entire idea of something haunting the apartment was ludicrous. But he was certain beyond a shadow of doubt.

He could feel someone watching him.

Eyes—or something like eyes—were on him when he woke each morning. If he stayed in bed, he could feel them prickling against the back of his neck, locked upon him until he pulled himself off the mattress. Then the gaze would cut out, like someone hitting a light switch, and Levi would be alone again.

Not for long though. If he let his mind drift, he could feel the eyes on him while he cleaned and puttered around the apartment and worked on his computer. Whatever it was seemed to take a particular interest in the laptop because Levi frequently felt the distinct sensation of someone reading over his shoulder. He tolerated it in silence the first few times he noticed, but eventually he began flapping his hand over his shoulder and hissing, “Knock it off.”

Talking to thin air was ridiculous, of course, but his reprimands seemed to work. Each time, the eyes would fall away abruptly, leaving Levi in peace— at least for a few hours.

Levi probably should’ve been scared. Either his apartment was haunted or he was losing his mind. Neither prospect seemed promising. But the ghost or whatever wasn’t doing anything besides being sort of annoying. It wasn’t even waking him up with its frantic bangs anymore. Rather than being haunted, it felt more like an extremely quiet roommate with serious personal space issues had moved in. What was the point of being afraid if that was all the ghost could do?

Then one morning, Levi blinked awake and he wasn’t being watched. Instead, his cell phone sat beside his head on the pillow. He stared at it. He didn’t remembered using it last night. Actually, Levi was pretty certain he hadn’t even touched it since he’d texted Erwin at Mike’s request.

Levi picked up the phone and got out of bed to investigate the living room. Sure enough, his charger was still plugged into the outlet nearest the eastern window. He’d left the phone plugged in there days ago, turned off but charging.

There were two possibilities. Either his memory was seriously slipping or the resident ghost had somehow moved his phone. Both were creepy, but Levi just stood still, shoulders sagging under the weight of his exhaustion, and looked out the window and down into the alley. What was the point of worrying? Either way, there wasn’t much he could do about it. So just plugged his phone back in and left it on the window sill where it was supposed to be.

Nothing bothered him all day, not even as he was typing away on his laptop. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon when Levi was contemplating whether he had the energy to go through the effort of acquiring dinner that he felt the now familiar feeling of a gaze focused on him.

He looked up from his computer, catching sight of the eastern window. It was raining and a thin fog had settled on the glass. Upon it, someone had written a single word in sprawling, jagged letters:

SOON

Levi stared at the message. For a short moment, an instinctive fear of the uncanny—more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else— pricked against his skin. But the sensation quickly lost out to his incredulity and he nearly laughed.

He doubted the ghost meant to scare him and it was even more unlikely that it was trying to invoke the dubious humor of internet memes. He knew what it was after.

“Fine,” he declared to the room at large. “Fucking _fine_.” He crossed the room, unplugged the phone, and turned it on. Once the screen was lit, he bypassed all the accumulated notifications and called Erwin.

Erwin, prompt as always, picked up on the third ring. “Hello?”

“Stop sending me five million texts every day.”

“Stop avoiding me,” Erwin shot back without missing a beat.

Levi didn’t bother insulting Erwin’s intelligence by claiming he’d been doing no such thing. He leaned against the window sill, glancing down into the wet alley below and wondered what to say. He really shouldn’t have put off this call for so long. “Needed some space,” he muttered

Erwin had already heard it before. Levi must’ve told him that— _“I need space, damn it!”_ — at least a dozen times during the long series of endless arguments that followed his moving announcement. This time though, it wasn’t an explanation so much as it was an apology.

“I got the message the first time. You moving six hundred miles away really drove it home though,” Erwin replied dryly.

“Why are you sending me so many fucking texts then?”

“I’m worried.”

There was no pleading or admonition or even manipulation in Erwin’s words. It was just a simple fact. Regardless, Levi still felt a twinge in his chest. Guilt, he registered, and in the next moment it was gone.

He pressed his forehead to the cool glass and grumbled, “I can take care of myself just fine.”

Erwin kept his mouth shut, but Levi knew him too well. He could hear what Erwin was thinking, even through the phone line and the miles and miles between them: _No, you really can’t._

But Erwin wasn’t a complete jerk, so he didn’t say it aloud. Instead, what he said was, “Just answer one question for me: have you been eating?”

“Of course I’ve been eating, shithead,” Levi said automatically. Mentally though, he was thinking back over the last few days. No breakfast, but that wasn’t so unusual. He tended to eat his lunch in front of the computer, so he was pretty sure he’d eaten that much even though he couldn’t remember exactly what, when, or how much. Dinner was a crap shoot. He tried to cook himself stuff, but sometimes he was too tired and either delivery instead or went to bed early. He usually finished all his dinner, but not always. Still, all together, that wasn’t so bad, right? That was normal. Not everyone was a glutton like Mike.

Erwin sighed, Levi’s response doing little to appease him. Though nothing Levi said ever seemed to make Erwin worry less anyway. Worrying about Levi was probably ingrained into Erwin’s psyche after all these years. And fuck, Levi knew intellectually that Erwin was right to worry. He just didn't care enough anymore to worry too.

“When can we visit?” Erwin asked. Of course he said “when can we” and not “can we.” Asshole.

Levi looked around the living room at the cardboard towers of moving boxes he’d yet to even consider opening. He was lucky Erwin was even asking for a date and not plotting to pop in for a surprise visit. If Erwin saw the apartment like this, he’d bug out, probably start pestering Levi about seeing a therapist again or something. “I don’t know,” he answered. “I’m still settling in. I’ll tell you when.”

“Please don’t wait half a month to call me again,” Erwin said. His voice was tired, soft but backed by sternness. Levi’s stomach twisted into a guilty knot. Half a month? Had it really been that long? He’d never gone so long without speaking to Erwin in all the years he’d known him—and he’d known Erwin since fucking _high school_.

“All right,” he said. Then, before he could make any more promises he’d regret later, he hung up. On reflex, his finger moved to turn the phone off. But he stopped himself and stared at the phone for a long moment before finally setting it down on the sill again.

It was still raining. Levi watched it coming down into the alley, making muddy puddles. He blew out all the air he’d held tight in his chest during the call, then raked both hands over his face. His skin was hot, overheated. He could feel his heart pumping hard and fast.

With the heels of his palms pressed into his eye sockets, he asked, “Happy now?”

There was no answer. Levi lowered his hands and turned away from the window to examine the room. Of course there was nothing to see.

Fuck. Levi wanted to get drunk. He _needed_ to get drunk.

He’d neglected to include any alcohol on his shopping list when he’d last made a trip to the store, which was nearly a week ago now. In fact, Levi hadn’t even set foot outside the apartment building in all that time. He didn’t feel particularly inclined to do so now either. It was too much effort. Not to mention the rain.

But damn did he need a drink. Several drinks.

Levi threw on a shirt and some sweat pants, went next door, and knocked. Historia answered, thick plastic frame glasses perched on her tiny button nose. Her long hair was up in a sloppy bun. He’d must've interrupted her while she was doing homework. He probably should've felt pathetic that his only current option for even halfway meaningful face-to-face social interaction was a pair of college kids a decade younger than him. But he just couldn’t get himself to care.

“You got any booze?” Levi asked.

=====

Historia drank with him. They finished off half a bottle of chardonnay that’d been sitting open in her refrigerator, then worked their way to the bottom of two bottles of pinot noir. When Historia broke out the hard lemonade with an apologetic shrug, Levi stopped keeping track of how much he’d drank. He was a goddamn lightweight, so what did it matter anyway?

Beggars couldn’t be choosers, but Levi wished they hadn’t started off with wine. Wine always left him with terrible headaches at best and made him loose-lipped and whiny at worst. This evening, he was definitely falling on the worst side.

“Why are you two being nice to me?” he asked, head lolling over the back of Historia and Ymir’s lumpy sofa. “You don’t know me. And I’m not… you don’t even know me.”

Historia shrugged. Her hair was falling out of the bun in thick swatches. “I don’t know. Ask Ymir, she started it. I’m just following her lead.”

“Ymir’s not here right now,” Levi pointed out, waving one finger at Historia as though the vague gesture could illuminate her single-ness.

She drank a swig of the disgustingly pink lemonade. “I’ve got a massive art history exam on Friday that I’m probably going to bomb. I’ll take any excuse to drink.”

“Fair enough.”

Historia lifted her legs over the arm of the loveseat she was on, sprawling across its cushions. The lemonade sloshed dangerously in its glass bottle, but nothing spilled. “What’s your excuse?”

“Lots of reasons,” Levi said. It was probably the most honest answer he could give. Besides, what else could he tell her when she was practically a stranger? _I miss my friends? Nothing I do is ever going to fix me? I’m probably gonna give up and—_

Outside, the train went by. The tracks were close enough that the entire building vibrated with the train’s roar. Levi shut his eyes for a moment and forced all his thoughts back down, letting the train rattle his heart in his rib cage with its force.

Historia, of course, was so used to the train’s scheduled noises that she didn’t even seem to notice. “Like what reasons?” she prompted.

No amount of wine—or hard lemonade, for that matter—could make him start dishing on the entire situation with Erwin and his shit mental health to someone he barely knew. All of the other reasons that immediately sprang to mind were too miserable-sounding to divulge. But Historia was watching him expectantly and she’d provided him with desperately needed alcohol, so he told her a different truth.

“I think the apartment’s haunted.”

“For real?” Historia said, punctuating it with an inelegant snort. It was a surprisingly deep and loud noise for such a small woman. Levi decided right then that he liked her.

“I’ve been hearing things. I can feel it in the room, watching me. And earlier today, some of my shit got moved around,” he began explaining.

“You’re probably just imagining it,” Historia said. “Stress can really mess with your head, you know.”

“Look, I don’t believe in ghosts either, okay?” He’d never been a remotely superstitious person and he wasn’t about to start now just because his life had plunged further down the shitter. “But it’s not me. Just before I came over here, it wrote on my window. There’s no fucking way I imagined that.”

“What’d it write?” Historia asked around the mouth of her bottle.

But Levi didn’t know how to explain that a spirit or something was bossing him around without sounding like a fool. Besides, he could tell when he was being humored. “Never mind.” He finished off the remainder of his bottle with two long gulps, then set it down on the table with a clack. “Thanks for the drink, I owe you,” he said, hauling himself off the couch.

Historia saluted him with her lemonade as he left. The world was a little tilted, but he was more than steady enough on his feet to make it next door. He only fumbled with his keys a tiny bit before managing to unlock the door.

Despite Erwin chastising him, he’d never eaten dinner. He should definitely eat something—and drink some water too—but the bed was calling his name. It wasn’t that late, but he was wine drunk and just utterly exhausted with the world. So he flopped down onto the mattress, kicked off his shoes, and fell asleep.

=====

He woke with the dawn, which was to be expected considering he’d gone to bed so early. He woke with a splitting headache, which—again—was to be expected. His own damn fault too.

However, Levi did not expect to wake to the sight of a young man perched on his nightstand and staring down at him with wide eyes.

Levi blinked at the man, then buried his face into his pillow with a groan. Fucking hell, his head hurt. He was way too old to be keeping pace with college students. Not to mention way too old to be drinking on an empty stomach. Eyes firmly closed and fingers curled tight into his pillow, he gritted his teeth and tried not to moan. When the pain eased up enough for him to brave the light of day again, he turned his head just enough to peek up from his pillow.

The man was still there, staring. His eyes bored into Levi’s, widening further as Levi held his gaze. He swallowed, licked his lips, then whispered in a low voice thrumming with excitement, “Can you— can you see me?”

He was transparent and flickered like the neon in a bar sign, but Levi could definitely see him. The man had thick, brown hair with long bangs that flopped across his forehead and big, light-colored eyes too translucent for Levi to determine the hue. Although his skin was a shade or two darker than Levi’s, there was a sickly tint to it. Levi wasn’t sure if that was just how he looked or if it was because he was dead.

Dead. A dead man was sitting on his nightstand—the same one that had been keeping him up at night and reading over his shoulder for days—and Levi had one of the worst hangovers of his entire life.

“Go away,” he told the ghost, doing his best to sound menacing and not at all like he was close to throwing up.

The ghost just beamed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi does have a life, he's just not very good at living it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realized recently that I'm not very extensive when it comes to tagging/warning. If you think there might be something that I should tag, let me know and I'll consider it.
> 
> Today was my one year anniversary at work! A year went by so fast! When I think back to the mental/emotional state I was in at this time last year, it becomes clear how far I've come since then. I think that is part of why I was driven to start writing this fic.
> 
> If things are hard for you right now, hang in there. As long as you keep hanging on, there is a chance things will get better. I wish you the best.

Levi staggered to the kitchen in search of Excedrin. Fortunately for him, painkillers were one of the things he did remember to get during his last trip to the store. He opened one of the embarrassingly bare cupboards, pulled out the bottle, and shook two caplets into his palm. It didn't seem like enough.

He stared down into the bottle at all the caplets packed in. How many would be enough to--?

He made himself close the bottle tight and put it away, pushing it as far back into the cabinet as he could reach until finally it toppled over and rolled farther away. Then he dry-swallowed the two pills and massaged his temples, groaning.

When he opened his eyes again, the ghost was sitting on the kitchen counter, hunched forward awkwardly to avoid the cabinets above him.

“You should drink some water,” the ghost said. “And eat something, but you don't usually eat in the morning, do you?”

“Fuck off,” Levi muttered. But the ghost stared at him with those too big eyes until Levi retrieved a clean glass and filled it to the brim from the tab. The ghost smiled at him when he swallowed a gulp. Levi wasn't too hungover to notice that the ghost was rather handsome, in a black-and-white silver screen sort of way.

How was this his life? A hot, albeit deceased, guy was attempting to backseat nurse him from his hangover and it was legitimately the most action he'd seen in months. Not that Levi had tried to get much action in the last few years-- or ever, if he was honest-- but it was still pathetic.

“Your name is Levi, right?” the ghost asked. Levi grunted in affirmation, still drinking. The ghost's smile shone even brighter, lips pulling back to reveal a set of gleaming white teeth. “I'm Eren.”

“That's fantastic,” Levi muttered. He finished off the water and shot the ghost—Eren—a pointed look. _Go away._

Eren either didn't get the message or ignored it. Levi rubbed at his forehead and opened the refrigerator, more out of need for a distraction than any desire to eat. His stomach was still queasy, but throwing up didn't seem to be on the table anymore at least.

Levi peered into the fridge, Eren's eyes on the back of his head all the while. Damn, he really needed to go grocery shopping. What had he been eating the last few days?

Just as he was contemplating whether it was safe to eat eggs past their sell by date, Eren asked, “You really don't care?”

“About what?” He grabbed the egg carton from the bottom of the shelf, deciding that three days past the date couldn't be that bad. And if he got sick, then so what? Levi set the eggs on the counter beside Eren, hand waving in an irritated gesture for him to move over and make more space. Eren just vanished and reappeared sitting on top of the kitchen's dingy table.

“I thought you'd be more... upset,” Eren said. His brow knit and he asked, “Ghosts are still scary, aren't they?”

What year was this guy from if he thought things could've changed so much that ghosts were an everyday occurrence? Of course discovering a ghost in his apartment was weird as hell. Ghosts weren't supposed to be real. But the evidence was literally sitting right in front of him. Levi's only options were to concede that ghosts existed or accept that he was experiencing a psychotic break and hallucinating vividly. He wasn't sure which was more likely, but of the two, the first was more attractive.

Levi took a bowl from the dish rack and began cracking eggs. “Guess I just don't have any fucks to give.” Eren squinted at him, a confused tilt to his head, so Levi elaborated. “I don't really have the capacity to care much about anything right now.”

“Oh. Because you're hungover?”

Levi snorted, his head twinging as he did so. He grimaced. “Well, that's one part of it.” He put the single skillet he'd dug out of the moving boxes on to the ancient gas stove and waited for the pan to heat up, beaten eggs at the ready. “Should I care?” he asked, craning his neck to look at where Eren was still seated behind him. “Are you going to possess me or make me bleed all over the carpet or something?”

Eren shook his head vehemently, his floppy bangs swinging back and forth. “No!”

Levi turned around again. “Then just leave me alone. Or go away. That'd be even better.”

For several long minutes, Eren's pale eyes lingered on him. Then, finally, Eren left without a sound.

=====

Eren didn’t stay away for very long. Levi only managed to choke down his sorry breakfast, wash the dishes, and get started on his latest assignment before he returned. One moment Levi was alone and the next Eren was seated on the cardboard box nearest to Levi. “What is that anyway?” he asked, nodding towards Levi’s laptop.

“Computer.”

“What’s a computer?”

Levi spared a glance up Eren to see if he was being screwed with. But Eren’s face was all faint confusion mixed with keen interest. Levi didn’t know how to begin explaining computers to someone who’d probably been dead for over half a century or something, so he didn’t bother.

For his part, Eren seemed unperturbed by his lack of an answer because he just barreled onward with more questions. “What language is that? It looks nice.”

The Excedrin had done little for the headache throbbing behind Levi’s eye. He knuckled the eye socket, grunting, “Arabic.”

“Are you Arabic or did you learn it?”

Somewhere in all his boxes, Levi had a pair of over-ear headphones. There hadn’t been any reason until now to unpack them and he didn’t have the energy to get up and start looking. Levi rubbed his sore eyes one last time, squinted at the screen, and began typing again, each loud keyboard click punctuating his silence.

Apparently being dead didn’t make a person completely forget social cues. After about ten solid minutes of being ignored, Eren disappeared again, leaving Levi to his work.

=====

Levi was just finishing up for the day when someone knocked on the door. It was Ymir, still dressed in her work clothes from the snooty food market. “I heard you owe us for drinking up all our wine.”

“Historia helped,” Levi said. “But yeah, I owe you.”

“Well, we’re collecting. Get dressed, you’re taking us to dinner.”

Levi nodded, more as a reflex than actual agreement. Ymir grinned and slipped into her own apartment, presumably to change as well. Levi closed the door and leaned against it, brain listing several possible ways he could get out of whatever he’d just agreed to. Work emergency. Checking account empty. Too nauseous to eat. But if he stayed in the apartment, Eren would probably just come back and bug him some more. If he was going to be forced into social interaction, he might as well get dinner out of it.

Without any idea of where they were going, Levi put on the first clean shirt and moderately nice pair of jeans he found. He’d been lounging around in sweatpants—shirt optional—for so long that it felt kind of weird to be wearing something different. He needed to wash his hair, but there was no time for that. Levi dug into his winter clothes box and found a beanie to pull over his head, then went to knock on his neighbor’s door.

Dinner turned out to be a hole-in-the-wall pizzeria just two blocks from the apartment building. Ymir and Historia seemed to know at least two thirds of the wait staff, so while they chatted up the servers, Levi checked his phone. Erwin had curtailed his barrage of texts after Levi called him, but there was still a few unread messages from him, mostly along the line of You Better Be Taking Care of Yourself. There was also a text from Mike wondering whether Levi had even left the apartment yet.

Levi sent a message to both of them: “ _getting dinner with the neighbors._ ” There. Hopefully that would get them off his back for a while, at least about being social.

Mike responded almost immediately with “ _pics or it didn’t happen._ ” Levi was not about to ask Ymir and Historia to take a selfie with him, so instead he sent Mike a picture of his middle finger and the pizzeria menu.

Erwin’s reply didn’t come until a while after they’d all placed their orders. _“Good job”_ was all it said. Levi narrowed his eyes at the phone screen. Was that supposed to be sarcastic or sincere? Erwin could be hard to read in person, but over text he was damn near impossible sometimes.

“Who are you talking to?” Historia asked.

Levi put his phone away. “Some people back home.” Thankfully, the food arrived just as he answered and the topic was dropped in favor of freshly-made pizza. Fuck, it was good. The mozzarella cheese and fresh vegetables were layered thickly on top of the sauce, which was slightly spicy and bursting with herb flavors. Levi took one big bite, then another and another, not caring when he accidentally burnt the roof of his mouth a little. How had he not realized how hungry he was? His stomach rumbled and Levi finished up his first slice and quickly started in on the next. So fucking good.

The company wasn’t too bad either. Ymir and Historia seemed to get that he wasn’t in the mood to talk much and were content to speak mostly to each other. It was easier that way. Levi rarely had anything to say to people he didn’t know well and making small talk was tiring. He never knew how to react to people's stories and constantly struggling to feign the right emotional response left him feeling less than human.

Erwin was always fast to point out that Levi would never get to know people well if he didn’t make the effort to converse more with acquaintances. But Levi didn’t want to get to know people, especially not now. His move would be useless if he got to know people in this city too well.

His thoughts were teetering on the edge of a very dangerous cliff. Levi shut them down, focusing on the warm crust he held in his fingers and the food in his mouth. With his mind so carefully wiped clean, he had little choice but to tune into what the women were saying. It was mostly about school, so it wasn’t too difficult to fill in the gaps he was missing. Against his own will, he began listing the facts he gathered in his head.

They were both graduating this semester, hopefully. Ymir had taken longer—an extra year, maybe more—because she’d changed her major partway through. Historia had saved some of her hardest required courses for last and wasn’t sure if she’d manage to pass. They met when they used to be in the art department together, at least two years ago.

It wasn’t much information, not really. But already, it felt like too much. He really hadn’t wanted to meet his neighbors.

They were waiting for the checks—the bill was split, which was a surprise to Levi since he’d come fully prepared to pick up the whole thing—when Ymir asked, “So Historia told me you think your apartment might be haunted.”

There was no “think” or “might” about it anymore, but Levi nodded.

“I know someone you might want to talk to then. This professor, Dr. Hange? I’ve taken, like, three classes with them, physics stuff, you know.” Ymir fiddled with the brim of her snapback and continued, leaning across the table. “Anyway, Dr. Hange is really into… what’s it called?” Ymir asked, looking towards her girlfriend.

Historia rolled her eyes. “Parapsychology,” she answered, sucking down the last dregs of her soda with a loud slurp.

“Right, that. Study of ghosts and whatever else,” Ymir said. “And, I mean, they are really into it. They’ve been on TV shows pretty often. Dr. Hange was even interviewed for a documentary about the Baleroy Mansion, right here in town.”

Levi had no idea what that was, so he just said, “Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. So I could email them about your apartment if you want. They’d probably love to hear about it.”

Levi shrugged. “Sure, I guess.” Eren didn’t seem dangerous, but it couldn’t hurt to know a little more about ghosts in case the nagging and curiosity turned out to be a front. Hell, maybe this Dr. Hange would know how to get rid of Eren and send him packing to the proper afterlife so Levi could have the place to himself again.

So when he got back to the apartment, he began drafting an email for Ymir to forward to her professor, leaving out the fact that he’d actually seen and spoken to the ghost. How could he put the incident into words without sounding like one of those people who got on the news claiming to have found Jesus on their toast? No, he’d just give this Dr. Hange the basic details for now and figure out where to go from there later.

There was a telltale prickle on the back of his neck midway through the second paragraph, then Eren’s voice. “Are you still working?” Eren asked from his seat on the cardboard box containing Levi’s so-far unused kitchen supplies.

Levi clicked away from the email tab so Eren couldn’t see what he’d been typing. Otherwise, he didn’t respond. Going out had exhausted him and he’d never signed up to have a fucking spectral roommate. Maybe if he just kept blowing Eren off, he’d go away for good. He briefly considered going to sleep early, but he lacked the energy to actually get up and get ready for bed.

For lack of anything else to do, he went to Youtube and clicked on the first recommended video. It turned out to be some baby sloths getting baths. As the video’s narration began, Eren muttered, “I guess that’s a no.”

Levi let himself fall into a Youtube click spiral. Over the course of an hour, it somehow took him from baby animals to fancy ways to carve watermelon. The whole time, Eren stay hunched atop the box, hovering over Levi’s back. His silent seething was like a sun’s rays, heating Levi’s skin to the point of physical discomfort even though it was surely just his imagination. Levi refused to turn around.

Finally, Eren decided he’d had enough of being ignored. “It’s 2015, right?” he asked. Levi didn’t answer, but it sounded like a rhetorical question anyway. His tone was unnaturally even, so light that it had to be artificial. Eren’s Casper the Friendly Ghost façade was falling apart.

“If it’s 2015, that means you’re the first person to see me in nearly eighty years.” His voice cracked partway through and Eren stopped for a moment. The watermelon carving video ended, but Levi didn’t click on another link. He just sat still, listened. Eren continued, rising in volume. “How would you feel if after eighty years of nothing, the one person who could talk to you just ignored you?”

Levi swallowed. It probably wasn’t a good idea to piss off a ghost, but it’d be strangely appropriate if he was killed off by something already dead. “Being left alone would be pretty damn nice right now.”

There was a crackle of energy in the air, a humming that definitely wasn’t Levi’s imagination. Eren didn’t move from his cardboard box perch even as the apartment lights began to flicker. His eyes were locked on the back of Levi’s head with a sniper’s focus. “All I want is to talk. Would that cost you so much?”

The humming became a buzz. Levi turned to face Eren, his whole body calm and still in a way it hadn’t been since before he decided to move. Eren’s eyes were a pair of stars going into supernova countless miles away, a set of headlights on a vehicle careening towards him at full speed. Levi met them with ease and said, “Look, it’s not my fucking life’s purpose to entertain you.”

“What life?” Eren snapped. The buzzing got louder, harsher. The energy rang in Levi's ears, rattled the blood in his veins. “I’ve been watching you. Today was the first time you even left this building in over a week. Those ladies next door feel sorry for you, did you know that? They think you’re sad and lonely.”

He’d suspected that was the case, but he had not wanted his suspicions to be confirmed. Levi shrugged off the sting, heart still pumping slow and steady even as the buzzing rose. “If I’m so dull, then leave and go find someone else to watch.”

Eren’s eyes narrowed, handsome mouth twisted in a scowl. “I can’t leave!” he shouted, teeth bared. The buzzing boomed like thunder, then suddenly fell flat. Overhead, the light bulbs shattered.

The room plunged into darkness. Levi’s glowing laptop screen and the dim illumination cast through the window were all the light left.

Translucent as he was, Levi could barely see Eren in the weak light. His eyes and mouth had gone wide with shock, his face more startled than he had any right to look in Levi’s opinion. And then he vanished.

Levi sat alone in the empty room for a few minutes, brushing glass from his shoulders and hair as he waited. Eren did not return. So Levi went back to his email and finished his message for Ymir to pass on to Dr. Hange. He didn’t mention the argument or the lights.

Email sent, Levi stood up, carefully stepped around the shards of glass scattered across the floor, and went to sleep.

He woke in the morning with no ghost perched on his nightstand. Levi couldn’t even feel Eren’s eyes on him like before. But when he emerged from the bedroom, Levi discovered that the glass had been neatly swept into a single, tiny pile in the middle of the room.

Levi looked down at the pile for a long time before finally getting out the dust pan and finishing the job.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi doesn't often feel feelings and doesn't really know what to do when he does

Around lunch time, Eren emerged from whatever hidden plane he’d tucked himself into. He appeared atop a cardboard box, sitting beside Levi where he sat before his laptop with a Chinese take-out carton. His eyes were downcast.

“I’m sorry,” Eren said, addressing a strain on the flooring. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t even know I could do that.”

Levi poked idly at his three-day old chicken egg foo young with his chopsticks. It was the only thing left in the refrigerator aside from a bottle of ketchup and a rather mushy cucumber. He didn’t feel particularly inclined to eat anyway. “You didn’t scare me,” he told Eren.

Eren looked up at him without raising his face, pale eyes peering at Levi through his eyelashes. “I’m sorry for breaking your lights then.”

Levi waved the apology off with a flick of the chopsticks. “I need to go to the store anyway.”

Eren shifted in his seat. It was an unexpectantly human movement for a dead being. “And I’m sorry for losing my temper and saying those things. I was just…” He finally lifted his head and grimaced. “I was just so excited when I realized you knew I was here and you could see me. But you’re right. You don’t have to talk to me if you don’t want to. I was being an ass.”

Eren was seeking forgiveness, Levi realized belatedly. The thing was that Levi hadn’t been angry in the first place. Very exhausted and maybe a bit frustrated because of it. But angry? Levi couldn’t even remember the last time he’d managed to work up any manner of substantial fury. Occasionally some irritant would piss him off briefly, but his anger was like smoke from a candle—wispy, insubstantial, and impossible to hold on to.

The same was true for every feeling. Embarrassment. Sadness. Disgust. Happiness. All of it was nothing more than thin smoke, rising in the air for one moment and then dissipating the next. The smell of it—the memory—could linger, but the smoke itself vanished before he could do little more than spot it.

Levi tore off a piece of his re-heated chicken egg foo young and put it in his mouth, chewing slowly. It tasted okay, but did nothing to kindle his hunger. Next to him, Eren continued to sit still, waiting for his apology to be acknowledged. Levi sighed.

“Listen,” he said. “I’m busy. I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but I am. I’ve got work to do and bunch of other stuff to handle besides. I can’t talk to you all day about… whatever.”

Eren nodded, eyes dropping again to land on the coffee table.

Levi swallowed another chunk of the leftovers and continued. “So you get three questions and then you’ve got to leave me alone.”

Eren’s head shot up. “You mean…” he hesitated, chewing his lip. “Three questions and leave you alone for today or three questions and leave you alone forever?”

“Three a day,” Levi said. He could probably manage to be at least somewhat decent company for however long it took to answer three questions. And if what Eren had said—shouted—was true and he really couldn’t leave, then Levi was stuck with him for the foreseeable future. He could be an asshole, but he wasn’t enough of an asshole to ignore someone indefinitely.

Even if that someone was mucking up all his plans about moving away from home and being alone.

Eren nodded, bangs spilling all across his forehead. His hand went up in a jerky motion to fix them. “Yes! Thank you. Um… then, where did you get all those films?”

It took Levi a moment before he realized what Eren was asking about: Youtube. God, how did you explain fucking Youtube to a ghost from eight decades ago? Levi considered it, then pointed at his laptop. “This computer, I use it to get on the internet.” Brow furrowed, Eren opened his mouth, but Levi cut him off. “The internet is a place with all kinds of information. It’s sort of like a library, but… much bigger. And people can put whatever they want on it. Stuff they want to sell. News stories. Porn.”

“So those films were… inside the internet?” Eren asked.

“Yeah. The place I was at is a spot where people put up movies about whatever and other people can watch them.”

Eren was silent for several moments, digesting this information. Levi took the opportunity to eat about half of the leftovers, chewing and swallowing mechanically. He squinted at the clock display on the corner of his laptop screen. He needed to get back to work soon.

“What about what I asked you yesterday?” Eren said.

“Huh?”

“How did you learn Arabic?”

Levi scowled. It was an innocent enough question, but it delved into too much personal shit. Still, the deal he’d made was for three answers, so he gave a summary. “My father was Iraqi. Never met him. His mother—my _bibi_ — mostly raised me. And I took classes.”

He stuck his chopsticks into his food and grabbed another bite with more concentration than strictly necessary. As he ate it, he glanced over at Eren, who was watching him intently as though he was the most fascinating thing in the world. Levi looked away. “C’mon, last question.”

“I have a lot of questions, it’s not easy to pick,” Eren complained.

“Just hurry up, I’ve got shit to do.”

“Fine. How did you—” But Eren stopped mid-sentence, muttering, “Never mind.”

“What?” Levi prodded.

Eren shook his head. “No, it’s probably rude.”

“Just ask. You’ve already broken my light bulbs for fuck’s sake.”

The ghost huffed, which was just plain weird since he didn’t need to breathe. “How did you get those scars on your chest?”

Ah. Levi had never been asked that so directly before, but he should’ve seen it coming since he rarely wore more than sweatpants around the apartment. He finished off the rest of his sorry lunch. Mouth full of egg foo young, he said, “Surgery.”

“Were you sick?”

Levi swallowed the food down. “No, I had breast tissue removed.”

Eren’s thick brows knit together again. “Breast tissue? You mean—”

“Breasts.”

Levi saw the moment Eren caught his drift. His expression went from pinched confusion to open surprise, mouth twitching just enough to let out a soft, “Oh.” He averted his eyes from Levi’s naked chest. If Eren had any blood, he’d probably be blushing. “You don’t look like a woman,” he said. “Or sound like one.”

“Good. I’m not.” Levi got up and tossed the Chinese takeout container into the kitchen trash can.

“…I don’t understand,” Eren said when Levi came back into the living room.

“Too bad. Your three questions are up.” Levi flopped down onto the couch, pulling his laptop towards him. “Now go away, I’m working.”

Eren didn’t say anything else. When Levi looked up to check after a few quiet moments, he was gone.

=====

As Levi finished up his work for the day—and for the week—he made a mental list of three things he had to do before the end of the night. First, text Erwin. He’d already texted him (and Mike) a little yesterday, but he needed to be in contact more frequently if he was going to keep them off his back and out of Philadelphia. He must be careful not to let more than a few days go by without speaking to one of them. Mike had a nose for trouble and Erwin just plain knew him too well. He couldn’t allow them to get worried. Well, more worried.

Second, go to the store. Broken light bulbs aside, Levi had nothing to eat and that needed to change immediately. He wasn’t exactly hungry, but he did need to eat if he was going to avoid freaking Erwin out again. If Erwin got an emergency call from a hospital about Levi for a third time, he’d probably never let Levi out of his sight. Levi couldn’t have that.

Third, find his crappy, refurbished printer in whichever moving box it’d been stuffed in and get it set up. That one wasn’t exactly a priority, but it would make tomorrow less annoying. Maybe.

Overall, it wasn't too demanding of a list, considering he had from six to midnight to complete it. But Levi still sat motionless on the couch for several minutes, struggling to work up the motivation to get started.

Eventually he took out his phone. Levi began and deleted eight different texts before finally sending off a simple _“need food, going shopping”_ to the group chat with Erwin and Mike. It was a bland status update, but it served the dual purpose of showing that of fucking course he could take care of himself, shut up, Erwin, and yes, he did leave the apartment of his own free will sometimes, thank you, Mike.

With the first task done, he did as he said he would and went shopping. The moment he stepped under the humming fluorescent lights and faced the aisles and aisles of choices to be made, he longed to get back into his car and drive away. But he gritted his teeth and stepped forward. It took him too long, staring at a hundred different cereal boxes and yogurt cups and trying to find a preference, but eventually he managed to stock up on enough food to last him a week. He even managed to hold back a mean comment to the cashier about her unflattering hair cut when she commented on how short he was.

Two down, one to go. He put the food away at the apartment and began cutting open boxes. He shifted through four of them before he found the printer lurking beneath some bed linens he’d probably never need. Not wanting to finagle with the Wi-Fi connection, he hooked the printer up to his laptop the old-fashioned way and printed out the first transgender FAQ article he found online.

There. That had to be at least a day or two worth of freebie question for Eren.

Worn out, he closed his laptop lid and considered the blister-wrapped package of light bulbs sitting on the coffee table. There were scissors in the kitchen and a chair that would probably be tall enough for him to stand on. Levi sat motionless, watching the shadows crawl across the floor. When he finally managed to propel himself upright, he headed straight for bed.

He’d get to the lights later. Eventually.

=====

Levi’s Saturday started slowly. No work meant no reason to get out of bed, which meant he remained curled up on his mattress for hours after he woke up. He drifted in and out of a light slumber, head empty of both dreams and thoughts.

When it hit noon, the room became too warm for him to linger under the covers any longer. So he reluctantly got up and went to the kitchen. His stomach was growling, reminding him that he’d skipped dinner the night before.

When Eren popped into the kitchen, Levi was almost done eating his sandwich. He slid the trans FAQ paper across the table to where Eren was sitting before the other man could say a word. “Read that before you ask me anything,” Levi told him.

Eren craned his neck at an awkward angle. His too pale eyes scanned the paper line by line, lips silently moving with the words. When he reached the bottom, his gaze stayed locked onto the paper, mouth bent into a small frown.

“What?” Levi asked. “Still don’t understand?”

“I think I understand,” Eren muttered. “Just…” He shook his head like a dog whipping water from its fur. “I have a feeling that I knew someone like this,” he said, pointing at the article. “But… I can’t quite remember.” His frown deepened, fingers tightening into fists on the tabletop. “Why can’t I remember?”

Eren sat in silence for so long that finally Levi cleared his throat and asked, “So, do you have your questions then?”

Eren’s eyes flicked up from the paper to meet his. He took his hands off the table and twisted them together in his lap instead, nodding towards the wall that Levi shared with Ymir and Historia. “Those two ladies are a couple. Is that okay now?”

“…Mostly?” Levi said. “I mean, things aren’t all peachy. Some people are still assholes, but the police aren’t going to storm in and arrest them for fucking. Even if they are way too loud.” Eren’s eyes were practically boring a hole into the wall, staring as though he could actually see beyond it. Maybe he could. “I guess that’s pretty different from when you were alive.”

That got Eren’s eyes off the wall. “When I was younger, people could be more open. I mean, anyone who paid any attention knew that William Haines lived with a man, but that didn’t stop him from being a star. Every big city had clubs you could go to and meet the right folks. People tended to mind their own business.” He looked down at his hands in his lap. “Things changed though. New laws passing, new rules. People got scared, so they started keeping quiet. Went further underground.”

It was a far more elaborate answer than Levi had been expecting. Perhaps Eren had been one of those people going further underground. Eren’s mind was clearly miles—or, rather, decades—away though, so Levi didn’t ask. Instead he said, “People can get married to whoever they want now.”

Eren snapped back to the present, wide eyes blinking. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s been legal in Pennsylvania since… last year, I think? And just about a month ago, the Supreme Court ruled it was legal nationwide.”

Levi had gone with Erwin, Mike, and Mike’s little sister Eliza down to the county clerk’s office and waited in line amidst the jubilant crowds and handful of sneering protesters. Somewhere in his moving boxes was a framed picture of the four of them at their impromptu wedding, snapped by an obliging stranger. Erwin and Mike had their arms around each other, their entire bodies big and bright. Levi stood to the side with Eliza. Eliza beamed. Levi’s face ached with the effort of smiling.

He decided to move only a few days later.

The corners of Eren’s mouth dipped back down into a frown. “Just this year? Why did it take so long?”

Erwin would’ve had a long answer for that about the failure to separate church and state and the widespread propagation of logical fallacies throughout the legislative system, but Levi lacked the energy for it. “Because people suck,” he said instead. This answer didn’t appear to satisfy Eren in the least, so Levi changed the topic. “Next two questions, what are they?”

Eren sighed. He drew his hands up to let them rest on the table, though they did not actually touch the surface. Instead, they hovered perhaps a centimeter above it. He regarded his hands for a moment, then flicked his eyes up to rest his gaze on Levi. “Why did you move here?”

Why did people keep asking him that? Was moving that unusual? Levi gave Eren the same answer he’d offered to Ymir and Historia. “I lived in Detroit my entire life, needed a change of scenery.”

Eren’s eyes narrowed. His head shifted into that odd tilt he’d used to read the paper before. “That’s not the real reason, is it?”

“It’s a reason,” Levi said. “It’s not a lie.” Eren’s gaze did not relent, eyes still boring into him. Levi’s skin prickled as though it was being peeled away. Finally, he snapped, “I wanted to be alone, okay? So ask your third question and fucking leave.”

“Alone,” Eren murmured, tasting the word. Levi scowled at him and Eren blinked, then shook himself a little. His head righted itself. “Sorry,” he said. He thought for a moment, then asked, “Why haven’t you changed the light bulbs yet?”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m getting to it.”

“Do you need help?” Eren looked Levi up and down. “Can you reach?”

“Can you?” Levi shot back. “I’ve never seen you stand.”

“I can stand,” Eren insisted. He vanished and reappeared again in the blink of an eye, standing behind the chair he’d previous occupied. “Walking is the hard part.”

“Ghosts can’t walk?” Levi tried to remember if he’d ever seen a ghost walk in a movie. They tended to glide or hover or disappear instead, but what did movies know?

Eren shrugged. “I don’t know about ghosts. Walking is hard for me, I mean. When I was alive. Haven’t tried it like this yet, but I probably still need my crutches to get anywhere.”

“Why’d you need crutches?”

“I had infantile paralysis,” Eren said matter-of-factly. Levi looked at him blankly and he amended his statement. “Poliomyelitis?”

Oh, polio. Levi glanced around the kitchen chair at Eren’s legs. It was hard to tell with how translucent and shimmering he was—not to mention his pants covering everything—but there was something different about his legs. Levi gestured at Eren’s trousers. “If you can have clothes, why can’t you have crutches?”

“They’re here,” Eren said. “They’re just not… here.” He waved one hand in a lopsided circle as though that made his point any clearer.

Levi massaged his temples, attempting to quell the fresh headache he felt coming on. These ghost rules didn’t make any sense. _Ghosts_ didn’t make any sense. “Whatever,” he said, dismissing the topic. “That’s your three questions. Go.”

Eren obeyed, leaving Levi to spend his day off in silence.

=====

When Levi woke on Sunday, Eren was seated on his nightstand again. “You still haven’t changed the light bulbs,” he said in greeting.

Levi groaned and yanked his blanket up over his head, drifting back to sleep. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard Eren softly call his name. Levi ignored him the first few times, but eventually it became too hot. Levi peeled the blanket back and squinted at Eren. “What?”

“It’s almost noon,” Eren said.

“It’s Sunday.”

Eren tilted his head at a bird-like angle, staring down from his nightstand perch at Levi’s prone form. “You should get up. You need to take care of the light bulbs, remember? And all the boxes. How long has it been since you moved in now?”

“About three weeks,” Levi grunted, kicking at the blankets to let some cool air circulate in. “And that totally counts as your first question.”

Eren frowned, pale eyes still locked upon him. His stare was so focused and unflinching that Levi actually shivered. What the fuck?

After an impossibly long moment, Eren finally blinked and sat back a little. “You were feeling like this yesterday morning too,” he murmured. “I didn’t want to bother you though, so I left you alone.”

What was that supposed to mean? How the hell did Eren know what Levi was “feeling like” yesterday, or now for that matter? But Levi held his tongue. If he opened the floor to more discussion about weird ghost rules, he’d never be able to get Eren to leave. “I don’t have work or anything. What does it matter if I sleep in some?”

It was completely facetious of him. Of course he knew what the problem was with his behavior. He’d done this before, been _here_ before. But fuck, he was just so exhausted.

Eren didn’t buy into his words any more than Erwin or Mike would have. His gaze shifted just enough to look into Levi’s eyes instead into the back of his skull. “I’m worried about you,” he said.

“Isn’t everybody?” Levi grumbled. “Either ask your questions or fucking leave.”

Eren’s troubled frown became a scowl. He sat up straight, arms folding over his chest. “Fine. Why don’t you want to talk to your friends?”

The words were a punch right to Levi’s guts. Levi white-knuckled the blanket. Eren had been going easy on him this whole time, had to have been to suddenly cut into Levi with a question like that. Levi glared up at him. “I’m not answering that.”

Eren’s expression might as well have been carved out of stone. “Then I’m not leaving.”

“Ask something else.”

“Or you’ll do what?” Eren scoffed. “You can’t make me leave. You can’t do anything to me.”

“I fucking swear—”

“They are really worried and all you’d have to do is just talk to them a little more. But you don’t. Why not? Do you just not care? You like stringing them along—”

Levi threw back the blanket and rose from the bed in one sharp movement. “Shut. Your. Fucking. Mouth,” he hissed, punctuating each word with a jab at Eren. “You can’t— you don’t understand a goddamn thing.”

Eren shrank back, eyes wide and shoulders hunched up. He started to say something, but wisely reconsidered. Instead, he jerked his head once in something that was probably supposed to be a nod, then vanished.

Once he was gone, Levi stood there for a moment, trembling. He kicked the nightstand. Pain lanced up his foot and Levi swore loudly, anger already dispersing like smoke lifting high into the air. He hobbled out of the bedroom and dug a bag of broccoli from the freezer. He drank a mug of shitty coffee as the broccoli slowly defrosted on his foot, water dripping onto the floor.

It wasn’t a very good way to start the day.

Levi skipped lunch—and, by extension, breakfast. Instead, he threw out of the now watery broccoli and attacked the light bulbs' blister package with a pair of scissors. Once he had the bulbs in hand, he dragged a kitchen chair out to the living room, climbed upon it, and screwed each bulb into place.

That finished, Levi flicked the lights on and off again to make sure they worked. They shone and dimmed obligingly. The hard set of Levi’s jaw relaxed a bit. There. Fucking _there_.

Since he was on a rare productivity kick, he should try to keep the momentum going. The moving boxes were simply way too big of a task, but Levi had been meaning to clean out his email inbox for months. He turned on his laptop and promptly became distracted by the new message sitting at the very top of the inbox.

Dr. Hange had written him back.

Their email was long and contained half as many exclamation points as it had letters. Just looking at it made a headache twinge behind his eye. Levi forced himself to read it from beginning to end. The professor was very, very, _very_ interested by his haunting, had a few half-formed theories based on the details he’d shared, and wanted more information. A long list of questions followed. The email ended with Dr. Hange asking if they could come visit his apartment and gather some data.

The very thought of typing out answers to all of Dr. Hange’s questions wiped out Levi’s budding productivity like a tornado tearing apart a small town. Even still, he really should take advantage of Eren’s absence to reply to them without him noticing. So Levi steadily chipped away at the list for the next few hours, pausing frequently to stare into space and re-gather energy. When he was finished, he wrote out all the days and times the professor could come visit, then sent the email off.

Eren did not return for the rest of the day.

=====

On Monday, Levi woke up, worked, ate lunch, worked, picked at his dinner before finally throwing it out, and stayed up late watching bad horror movies on Netflix about ghouls and poltergeists until he could no longer keep his eyes open. Eren did not appear.

It wasn’t until Tuesday evening that Levi felt the hair on the back of his neck rise. He turned away from the microwave and found Eren sitting at the table with an apology written all over his face. Neither of them spoke until Levi finished microwaving his burrito, drowned it in salsa, and sat down across from Eren with a fork and knife clenched in one hand.

“I’m sorry,” Eren said to a spot about a foot above Levi’s left shoulder. “What you do is not my concern.”

Levi speared the smothered burrito with his fork and began sawing into it with the knife. “I don’t… I don’t want to talk about Erwin and Mike, okay?”

“…I understand,” Eren said.

Levi looked up at the odd twist in Eren’s mouth and snorted. “No, you don’t.”

Eren squirmed in his seat. “No,” he agreed. He combed his fingers through his bangs, pushing them backwards. “I can’t imagine avoiding my friends the way you’ve been doing. Especially when you’re so--” He snapped his mouth shut tight, then shook his head until the bangs fell back over his forehead. “It doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to.”

“Hold up,” Levi said. “When I’m so what?”

Eren stared at him with his pale eyes. His gaze slipped under Levi’s skin, under his muscles and veins, and under his bones to examine whatever it was inside that was keeping him going despite everything. Levi sat still, not moving at all except for his breathing chest. It rose and fell in fluttering contractions, like the wings of a butterfly pinned to a board.

Finally, Eren's face turned away. He licked his lips. “Especially when you’re the way you are,” he answered, voice barely any louder than a hospital bedside murmur.

Levi squared his shoulders and demanded, “What is that supposed to mean?”

But Eren was apparently done with the topic. He dropped his translucent eyes down to his own fidgeting fingers. “Levi, I know you don’t want me around, but… not being here is… difficult. Even staying away for just a few hours is hard,” he said. Eren looked up at Levi through his eyelashes. “Can I just stay and be quiet? I won’t bother you, I promise.”

How did that work, the whole “not being here” thing? Eren insisted that he couldn’t leave the apartment, so where exactly did he go when Levi couldn’t see or feel him around? Hell, how was Eren even present and conscious in the first place?

Maybe Dr. Hange would have answers. He’d yet to receive another reply, but given how excited they’d been in their initial response, he figured it was only a matter of time.

For now, there was just Eren looking at him with big, hopeful eyes and a contrite but handsome smile playing at the edge of his lips. He should say no. Levi wasn’t in the market for a roommate, not at all, and the two of them hadn’t exactly gotten along well so far.

But it was kind of unfair to kick a guy out of what probably used to be his home. Levi may be the one paying rent now, but Eren had dibs on the place by a long shot. And Monday had been…

“You have to be quiet when I’m working,” Levi said. “I mean absolutely silent. And you can’t read over my shoulder, it’s annoying as fuck.”

Eren’s smile widened, bright like the sun cresting over the horizon. It made his eyes crinkle at corners gently, made his face flush like the skin of a living man.

“Thank you,” Eren said, and Levi had to look away.

  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Eren binges on Netflix and Levi needs to go see a professional cuddler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a lot to fix for this chapter and I have been rather busy-- thus, the delay. But chapter five is finally here! (If you ever want news about why the heck an update is taking so long, you are welcome to follow me on tumblr @ zhedang or twitter @ zhe1dang3 .)
> 
> I am without internet at home until next Monday, so I am quickly posting this at the library. No time for a proper read-through, unfortunately. As always, if you notice any errors (including cultural things!), feel free to point them out. I'll fix them when I get the chance.

_All mentions of jadda have been changed to bibi on the advice of[missretaj](https://twitter.com/missretaj). Jadda is formal Arabic and not used in day-to-day communication. Bibi is more familiar and a better fitting name for Levi's grandmother. So, jadda -> bibi. Thank you, missretaj!_

_I've been graced with[GUTG fanart](http://hypermanica.tumblr.com/post/138764375534/birthday-gift-for-zhedang-i-actually-made-it)! Big gigantic thank you to hypermanica!_

=====

They settled into something like a routine. After stressing repeatedly that watching him sleep was creepy, Eren began waiting at Levi’s bedroom door for him to emerge each morning. He’d wait just a little bit longer as Levi made himself coffee, twitching and bouncing, and then flood Levi with questions once he swallowed his first gulp.

The questions followed no logic or pattern that Levi could discern; they seemed to be whatever floated into Eren’s mind as he waited through the night. How did the microwave work? What was Levi’s favorite word in Arabic? Did America end up entering “the war” or did they stay out of it? How did the rest of that _mmmbop ba duba dop_ song go-- or was the whole song just nonsense?

Levi did his best to give proper answers and not glare at Eren over the rim of his coffee mug. Each day, it got a little easier.

It helped that Eren kept his word on not being a pest while Levi was working. Levi downloaded the Netflix app on his phone and Eren sat where the phone was plugged in, leaning so close to the tiny screen that he probably would’ve gone cross-eyed if he was human. While Levi worked, Eren made his way through _Fantasia_ , _Legally Blonde_ , _Ferris Bueller’s Day Off_ , _Paris is Burning_ , _Snowpiercer_ , _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ , _2001: A Space Odyssey_ , and whatever else Netflix suggested to him.

Whenever one movie finished, Eren would call for Levi and Levi would come press on whichever movie Eren pointed at. Whether he was watching something for kids or some weird art house film, Eren became completely engrossed. Levi would sometimes look up from his laptop to watch Eren as he sat, unblinking and hovering right at the edge of his cardboard box seat. The only thing that could break Eren's focus were the notifications Levi got whenever someone texted him-- which was almost always Mike lately.

“Mike sent a you another message,” Eren reported. Levi walked over to check since Eren would only keep bugging him if he didn't, but it was just another picture of the same dog Mike had been spamming him with for days.

“ _If you don't adopt this dog, I will,”_ Mike texted, “ _Save Erwin from a fifth dog in the house.”_

Levi could see why Mike was enamored. She was an eight-year old Border Collie with salt and pepper colors, sent to Mike's dog rescue because her elderly owner had died. Her eyes were starting to get clouded with cataracts, but she could still snatch Frisbees out of the air. Exactly Mike's type.

“ _i'm not driving back to Detroit just to pick up a dog,”_ Levi sent back. When that did nothing to curb Mike's dog spam, he added, _“the apartment has a weight limit for pets.”_ This wasn't true, but Levi couldn't hold himself responsible for a dog. Fortunately, Mike eventually broke the news to Erwin that they were getting a fifth dog.

Regardless of where he was at in a film’s plot, Eren would always make Levi pause Netflix so he could watch Levi cook his lunch and dinner. He sometimes took such breaks as an opportunity to pepper Levi with questions about whatever he’d just seen on Levi’s cellphone, but mostly Eren just perched on the counter and watched Levi cook with the same wide-eye fascination he used for blockbusters filled with special effects.

Levi didn’t get what was so interesting. While he’d eat almost anything if he was dining out, he mostly stuck to basics at home. Lunch, when he remembered to eat it, was almost always a cup of ramen noodles and a piece of fruit, or a sandwich and some canned soup if he was feeling ambitious. Dinner ranged a little more. If Levi was drained, he’d probably end up making a box of Kraft mac and cheese and eat half of it out of the pot before throwing the rest away. If he had enough energy, he might actually cook something, like the simple borscht recipe his mother had favored and Levi had learn to recreate from foggy memories and a lot of trial and error or the kofta his _bibi_ had taught him to make because Erwin almost always requested it when she invited him for dinner.

These dinners were rare though. More often, what he wound up cooking were easy Midwestern dishes he’d either picked up from his two years in high school home ec or from Mike. They didn’t come with any strong memories, good or bad. They were just bland food.

Regardless, it didn’t seem to matter if Levi was working over a hot stove or just pouring cereal into a bowl. Eren was always fascinated. He examined any empty packaging closely and sat close to the stove or microwave while they were on, watching the food cook. “There’s just so much variety,” he explained when pressed, which was rather odd to Levi. His cooking repertoire was pretty limited, a fact that always exasperated his _amm_. His two daughters, Levi’s cousins, had both learned how to cook dozens of traditional and modern dishes before they started high school. Levi’s _bibi_ didn’t care though, only saying, “If the interest isn’t there, why force it? Besides, that child is not your concern.”

From the time his mother died up until he graduated high school, Levi had worried almost constantly that his _bibi_ would pass away and he _would_ become his _amm_ ’s concern. His _amm_ was not a cruel man, but he’d made it plain since the day Levi and his mother had moved in with his _bibi_ that he thought there was no place for them in her home. If something happened to his _bibi_ , his _amm_ would certainly take him in and see that he was provided for, but begrudgingly and with none of his _bibi_ ’s tolerance for all the ways in which Levi was different.

All that aside, Eren had lived through the Great Depression. Levi supposed that made even the extremely basic cooking that went on in the apartment’s kitchen fairly impressive. He should take some pictures next time he went to the supermarket to show Eren.

Although Eren seemed far more intent upon hearing about Levi and the present than reminiscing about himself and the past, Levi did end up learning some things from these meal time breaks. With a grimace, Eren would recall the watery soups, onion sandwiches, and countless potatoes served a dozen different ways that he’d subsided on during what ended up being the final years of his life. Stories about food quickly turned into tales about his two closest friends, Mikasa and Armin, both which he’d met in some sort of orphanage as far as Levi could tell.

The more Eren talked, the more apparent it became that his memory was full of holes. Often he’d begin recounting an anecdote about Mikasa and Armin only to stop midway through, frowning, because he couldn’t remember how the story ended. He could describe the neighborhood he where he’d grown up in vivid detail, but admitted that he couldn’t remember his parents’ names or faces. He’d become heated while ranting about some unfair law or policy that’d been enacted, but could never seem to recall just when the rules came into being or why.

His knowledge of the last eighty years was even more fragmented. Eren knew very little about the historical and technological developments since his death, but he had clear memories of the day that President Kennedy was assassinated and of September 11th. Even weirder yet, he could hum earworms from every decade. Levi listened in disbelief as Eren sang the “Gimme a Break” jingle for Kit Kat bars perfectly.

“I pick up things from the tenants,” Eren explained. “Not all the time and usually nothing specific, just… impressions about whatever is on their minds the most. I guess people think about music a lot.”

“How the hell have you never seen a computer then?” Levi asked.

“I get stuff from the people, not the place. I guess people think about stuff they do on the computer, but they don't really think about the computer itself that much.”

“But you’re always here, aren’t you? So you must’ve seen one.”

Eren’s broad shoulders went up and down in a tired shrug. “I’m here, but… I’m not always… present? Aware? Up until now, I was mostly… dormant. And even now, it’s not like I see every single thing.”

“…So you’re not watching me change or in the shower then?”

Eren’s mouth flapped a few times like a fish. “What? Of course not! That’s creepy!”

“Hey, you’re the one that didn’t think there was anything weird about watching me sleep.”

After Levi finished work and dinner, Eren would usually ask Levi to watch more Netflix with him. Levi didn’t understand how a person could watch movies all day and still be up for more at night, but Eren loved it. Lacking anything else to do with his time, Levi would usually agree and set up his laptop on the coffee table. Eren perched on the sofa beside him, insisting every night that Levi pick what to watch. Levi hated being faced with these sorts of choices because he rarely had an actual opinion, so he began soliciting movie suggestions from Mike. (Erwin’s taste in films was far too dull to indulge.)

It was sort of nice. Maybe it was messed up to spend his free time watching _How to Train Your Dragon_ on Netflix with a ghostly member of the Greatest Generation rather than outside at a restaurant or bar or… whatever people Levi’s age did for fun. But it never felt wrong in the moment. Levi would look away from the laptop’s glowing screen to see Eren enraptured by whatever was happening, the colors of the movie washing over his translucent form like watercolor paints, and it felt normal. Or, if not normal, it at least felt good.

Levi did not allow himself to dwell on what that might mean.

=====

After Eren reminded Levi not-so-subtly several times, Levi left the apartment on Sunday to make a grocery store trip. He didn’t make it far though. He was stopped in the hallway by the sight of Ymir, clumsily trying to unlock her door with her left hand. Her right hand was wrapped in a wet dish towel and held close to her torso. Levi looked at the damp spot on her shirt spreading out from the towel and then the grimace twisting her face.

“Do you need help?” he asked.

Ymir looked up in surprise, dropping her keys to the ground. Levi picked them up before she could bend over. He clinked through the keys on her ring, selecting the one that looked most like his own apartment key. “This one, right?”

“Yeah,” Ymir said, a little breathless. Levi fitted the key into the lock and turned, to no avail. “It’s tricky, you’ve gotta kind of tug on the handle too,” Ymir added. Levi turned the key again, pulling the door handle towards him, and the door unlocked with a loud clank.

“Thanks,” Ymir sighed, shoving the keys into her jeans pocket when Levi returned them.

Levi gestured at her towel-wrapped hand, which was still pressed against her body. “You want help with that too?”

“Please,” she said, gesturing for him to follow her inside. Ymir immediately went to the kitchen sink and turned on the cold water. She held her injured hand under the faucet and directed Levi to fetch a first aid kit from the bathroom medicine cabinet. “I thought—well, hoped— it was just a first degree burn,” she said, voice raised to be heard from across the apartment. “But this is definitely a second degree.”

She showed him her palm when he brought the kit over. Her palm was marred by a massive red blotch. It stretched from the base of her index finger down to the opposite side of her wrist, at least two inches wide at its fattest point. Levi imagined he could feel the heat still rising up from the ruined skin—though maybe that wasn’t his imagination.

“You sure you don’t need to go to the ER or something?” Levi asked. “I could drive you.”

Ymir shook her head. “It’s just second degree. The location is pretty fucking inconvenient though. The blisters are gonna be a nightmare.”

Levi washed his hands thoroughly and then began to carefully clean the burn. Ymir held still, mouth twitching he pressed too hard. “So how did this happen?” Levi asked, more to distract Ymir than out of actual curiosity.

Ymir looked askance. “I was, uh, working on… a thing and… you know.” Levi raised an eyebrow and she huffed. “I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell Historia, okay?”

Oh fuck, what sordid bullshit was Levi getting himself into? But before Levi could tell Ymir to forget he’d asked, she said, “I had an accident while I was smelting. Stupid mistake, really, but I’m rusty.”

“…Is smelting some kind of kinky sex thing?”

“What? No!” Ymir said, laughing. Her laughter was cut short when she accidentally twisted her burnt hand in Levi’s grasp. She sucked in a sharp breath, then explained. “Smelting is metal working. Extracting metal from its ore.”

Okay, not so sordid after all. Levi prodded Ymir towards the sink to gently rinse the soap off her hand and asked, “Why were you smelting?”

Ymir stuck her hand under the running water. “Well, you know I used to major in fine arts, right? My concentration was sculpture, especially metal stuff. Casting and welding and everything else.” Soap suds gone, she turned off the water and allowed Levi to begin patting her hand dry with a clean cloth. “Anyway, I’m working on a ring—almost done, actually. I got an old friend of mine to get me access to the school equipment so I could make it.”

“A ring for Historia,” Levi clarified.

“Don’t tell her,” Ymir said. “I’m planning to surprise her right after graduation.”

“An _engagement_ ring.”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s not going to have a diamond or anything. I don’t have the money for that, that’s why I’m making it myself in the first place. Plus, Historia appreciates that sort of thing. But—yeah.”

Levi was beginning to get a weird sense of déjà vu. Perhaps it was his lot in life to constantly be surrounded by happy couples. Where were all the lovers who fought constantly and the spouses who quietly resented each others?

He remembered Mike coming to him— so nervous he seemed more like a kid than the full-grown giant he was— and hesitantly telling Levi his plans with a tacit request for approval hanging off of his every word.

Of course Levi gave his blessing. What else was he supposed to do?

“Hey, are you okay?” Ymir asked.

Levi looked up from her hand and nodded. He dug into the first aid kit for some antibiotic cream and came up with only a tiny sample pack. He tore it open and began spreading it carefully over the burned skin. “I suppose it’s still a bit early for congratulations,” he said. “But congratulations, really.” That was the right thing to say at a moment like this, wasn’t it? Without any of his own emotional responses to guide him, Levi sometimes felt like an android trying to calculate the best possible responses to pass as human. “And don’t worry, Historia won’t hear a thing from me.”

“Thanks,” Ymir said, still watching Levi closely. Her eyes stayed on him as he rooted around for a non-stick bandage and gauze. There was plenty of gauze, but only one bandage in a crinkled wrapper. He position the bandage over the burn and Ymir held it in place with her other hand as he wound the gauze around it loosely. After a couple moments of this awkward silence, Ymir finally cleared her throat. “Have you heard anything from Dr. Hange?”

Levi accepted the subject change without comment. “Yeah. I’m pretty sure they’re going to stop by sometime soon.”

Ymir snorted. “Good luck with that. They’re a whirlwind. Most interesting professor I’ve ever had, to put it mildly.”

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Levi asked. “Historia seems to think it’s a load of crock.”

“Yeah, she isn’t too big on anything that can’t be proved beyond a doubt. Me though…” She shrugged. “Maybe none of that stuff is real, but I sure wouldn’t want to mess around with it if it was, you know?”

Levi made a noncommittal noise. There didn’t seem to be anything remotely threatening about Eren. Eren was all outdated clothing and misplaced concern and quick smiles, not rattling chains and groans and blooding dripping down the walls. The most threatening thing he’d done so far was shatter a few light bulbs. And he’d felt so bad about that incident that he found each and every tiny glass shard and pushed them into a pile—an endeavor that he’d admitted drained him so much that he’d thought he might be dying all over again.

Levi finished wrapping the gauze around Ymir’s hand and tied off the ends with a little knot. She flexed her fingers, testing the bandage job. “That’s not too tight, is it?” he asked.

“No, it’s perfect. Even if I swell up, I should be fine. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Levi said, putting everything back into the first aid kid.

“No, really. You’re an all right dude. You should hang out with us more.” Ymir’s mouth crooked up into a rueful smile. “Though I suppose you’re probably not interested in hanging out with some college kids. We probably seem like babies to you.”

Levi wasn’t interested in hanging out with anyone, but age had nothing to do it with. “Not really. I miss my early twenties.”

Ymir wrinkled her nose, eyebrows furrowed beneath the brim of her usual snapback. “Why? It’s terrible. I’ve got no idea what I’m doing 90% of the time. Feels like every week I’m saying, ‘I’ve just gotta make it through this week.’”

“Don’t get me wrong, it was pretty shit for me too.” Levi definitely didn’t miss living paycheck to paycheck or fighting with Erwin about dropping out or the constant dread that any day now someone would take offense at his very existence and fire him, kick him out of his apartment, beat him, rape him, whatever. “I’ve definitely got things more together now… at least some things, anyway.”

“What do you miss about it then?”

Levi pressed on the first aid kit's lid until it closed with a loud snap. “Back then, I could still imagine things being different. Better.”

Ymir's brow creased. “And now you can't imagine things getting better?” she asked slowly.

When she said it like that, it sounded so pathetic. Like he had zero hope or something. Levi shrugged and got up put the first aid kit back in bathroom before she could make him explain himself more. “I've gotta head out,” he told her when he emerged. “I'm going to the store; I'll pick up some more burn cream and bandages for you.”

“You don't have to. I can tell Historia to get some.”

“I thought it was supposed to be a secret.”

Ymir grinned and wiggled the fingers of her bandaged hand. “I'll just tell her I burned myself at work in the bakery.”

“Whatever. It's not a big deal. I'll be back in a bit to drop it off.”

“Well, okay then,” Ymir acquiesced. Levi nodded and went to see himself out, but Ymir stopped him. “Hey, if you ever need to... talk or whatever, I can listen.”

Levi's face went stiff. His own features seemed foreign; he couldn't quite figure out what he should do with his mouth or eyes or brow. Ymir's face was a blatant display of concern. The sight of it made a heavy clump of dread sink into his guts. He couldn't let people here get worried about him.

“Don't worry about me,” he told her.

Ymir smiled. She made it seem easy, even though her eyes were still bright with concern. “Okay. I'm serious about the listening though. Just let me know.”

Levi considered telling her that he'd been dealing with his own depression since she was in diapers, but thought better of it. Instead, he kept his mouth shut and left. Ymir's gaze followed him out the door. He felt it on his back the whole way down the stairs and out to the parking lot.

Levi got into his car, stuck the keys in the ignition, and pressed his forehead against the steering wheel. He turned the conversation with Ymir over in his head-- over and over-- until the words made his stomach twist and churn. He shouldn't have said anything. Ymir already thought he was pathetic enough without him spewing out everything wrong with him onto her lap.

He wrote a text to Erwin and Mike: _“remind me to never open up to people.”_

His thumb hit Send before he fully realized what he was doing. Too late. Mike replied almost instantly with a single question mark, like a dog cocking its head sideways.

Erwin's response took a little longer. He called when Levi was standing in the health and beauty aisle, reading drug information on the back of antibiotic cream packages. Levi almost didn't pick up. But he knew from experience that if he didn't, he'd only be spurring Erwin to call three more times.

“Did something happen?” Erwin asked once Levi answered.

“Not really.” He'd already gotten over his brief feelings of melancholy and foolishness and reset to his default setting of void.

“You sounded upset in your text,” Erwin pressed.

Levi tossed a package of bacitracin into his shopping cart. It bounced and landed beside the nonstick bandages. “Just upset at myself,” he answered. There was no point trying to evade the subject, not with Erwin. “Said more than I should've to someone.”

“You're not in any danger from them, are you?”

Levi rolled his eyes. “No.” Sometimes Erwin seemed to think that Levi at thirty-one was just as vulnerable as the fifteen year old “Leslie” he'd first met in high school. Even at fifteen though, Levi had been more than capable of defending himself. Erwin would deny it up and down all day long with a cool demeanor and impeccable reasoning, but he was way too overprotective.

“What's the problem then? What did you mean?”

Levi pushed his shopping cart out of the aisle and headed towards the soup section. “I mean that I'm pretty sure she's got me on a mental suicide watch list now or something.”

Erwin ignored his flippant answer and instead dove right down into the heart of the matter. “Is she right to do so?” he asked, voice low and intent. Levi knew that tone all too well. If Erwin was in the store with Levi now, that tone would've forced Levi to meet Erwin's eyes and answer with the full truth.

But he wasn't there, so Levi was spared. “Come on, you know I'm not like that.”

Erwin didn't respond right away. He was doing that trick where he'd stay silent in order to make the other person spill their guts. But Levi had already done enough soul-bearing to last him for a month, so he didn't say anything either. Instead, he loaded up his cart with a cartoon of ramen noodles and several different flavors of soup, including a can of Manischewitz matzo ball soup that he was probably going to regret.

With his shopping to occupy him, he managed to win the silent match. Erwin relented with a sigh. “You're not like that, no. But you're not exactly the picture of perfect mental health either, Levi.”

“Wow,” Levi drawled, stretching out the word. “Somehow I'd managed to forget this basic fact of my existence. I mean, it's not like I've been dealing with it every day of my fucking life for nearly two decades or something. Thanks so fucking much for reminding me.”

“I'm not trying to say I know better than you,” Erwin said. Levi heard him combing his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated. “I'm just... I'm concerned, Levi. I wish you hadn't moved so far away.”

A wisp of guilt began to rise in Levi's chest and up his throat, but he swallowed it back down. “Ease up on the hair, you're going to go bald,” Levi told him. “And I doing fine. Relax a little.”

“I'll relax if you are honest with me,” Erwin said. “You're not just holed up alone in your apartment and not talking to anyone, right? And emailing your supervisor does not count as talking.”

“I told you I was talking to the neighbors,” Levi reminded him. “They're nice. And I— this guy has been coming over.” Eren was more like a roommate than a visitor, but Levi didn't want to even begin explaining that his apartment was haunted.

Erwin picked up an insinuation that Levi had not intended for his words to carry at all. “Who have you had over?” Erwin asked. His tone was level, but it bordered too close to demanding for Levi's taste and that— _that wasn't fair_. Erwin didn't get to act like that.

Levi made his voice steely and cold, fingers clenching tight around his phone. “That's really none of your goddamn business, isn't it?”

Erwin went silent again. Levi held his ground, standing firmly in place next to the canned vegetable. Finally, after a mother and child, two frat boys, and an old woman had all gone by and stared at Levi's stony face, he heard Erwin take a deep breath on the other end of the line.

“I... I _am_ sorry, Levi, really,” Erwin sounded. He sounded gutted—or as close to it as Erwin ever got—and Levi immediately felt like an ass. Erwin didn't have anything to apologize for. Well, at least not to Levi.

“You shouldn't be,” Levi said.

“But I am.” Erwin paused. When he spoke, his voice was even and smooth once more. “I've never meant to hurt you. I never want to hurt you, Levi.”

Levi really, really wished they weren't having this conversation while Levi was in the middle of a busy supermarket. The old woman was still in the aisle, peering at him curiously. “I know,” Levi said. He did know. This was Erwin— Erwin, who did his damnedest to get Levi into college, who helped arrange the funeral for Levi's _bibi_ because Levi couldn't get himself out of bed, who took a week off of work to take care of Levi when he was recovering from his top surgery.

He dug the palm of his fee hand into one of his stinging eyes. “Listen, I've got to go. I'm kind of in the middle of grocery shopping.”

Erwin let him go, murmuring a soft goodbye, and Levi hung up. He crammed the phone into his pocket and tipped his head back to stare up at the store's bright fluorescent lights. His eyes still stung. He wasn't quite crying—Levi hadn't properly cried in a long, long time—but it was close enough that he struggled to breathe. He just had to wait it out. In a minute or so, the feeling would be gone.

“Are you all right, son?” Levi blinked, looking down from the lights and at the old woman. Her short, gray hair hung close to her face on both sides like wing tips and the lines around her eyes were creased heavily with honest concern.

“Yes,” he said. He was worn out, like a rag that'd been wrung dry too many times, but he was as all right as he ever was these days. “I'm fine.”

The woman didn't seem convinced, but she smiled at him anyway and patted him on the arm before wheeling her cart away.

Levi stared at the place where she'd laid her hand upon him. Aside from quickly shaking hand and the clinic procedure of cleaning Ymir's wound, he could not remember the last time another person had touched him. The last person had to have been Mike—Erwin was so careful about touching him, too careful—but when? Had Mike hugged him before he'd left Detroit?

Levi stood in the supermarket aisle, thinking and thinking until he began to ache, but he couldn't remember.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi could learn a thing or two from Eren about expressing yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to seaofteeth @ AO3 / titanteeth @ tumblr for making me realize I had a moral obligation to write in a Netflix and chill reference.
> 
> ...This chapter gave me so much struggle and strife, but I'm done with it, no more. Time to move on with my life.

_More fanart from awesome people! The lovely[nyatche drew Levi and Eren](http://nyatche.tumblr.com/post/139816596792/a-fanart-for-giving-up-the-ghost-by-zhedang)\-- thank you! Also, I posted my [GUTG writing music playlist](http://zhedang.tumblr.com/post/140096087446/me-im-gonna-write-gutg-me-but-what-if-instead-i) if you want to check it out._

=====

Levi emerged from his bedroom one morning to discover Eren looking distinctly pleased with himself. He squinted down at where Eren sat on the floor and grumbled in a sleep-scratchy voice, “What?”

Eren’s mouth stretched in an effort not to smile. It failed miserably. “Go look in the kitchen,” he said.

Levi shuffled towards the kitchen and was struck by the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee. He stopped in front of the coffee maker and stared at it, dumbfounded. “How the fuck did you make coffee?” he called down the hall.

Eren popped into place beside him on the counter, still grinning. “I’ve been watching how you do it.”

It wasn’t the process itself that Levi was concerned with though, it was the physical logistics. Eren would have had to get water into the pot, pour it into the coffee maker, put the pot back on the plate, get a filter from the cabinet and place it into the coffee maker, get the can of coffee grounds out and open it, spoon coffee into the filter, close the coffee maker’s lid, and turn it off. It was all simple enough steps for any able-bodied person to perform, but _Eren didn’t have a body_.

“How long did this take you?” Levi asked, looking around the kitchen. Eren had even put the coffee grounds back into their cabinet and set the spoon he’d used down in the dirty side of the sink.

Eren shrugged and bit his lip. It was rather unfair that he could make sheepish look handsome. “A few hours, maybe?” His long, floppy bangs fell over his face and he brushed them back. “Oh, but I waited until fifteen minutes ago to hit the switch, so it should still be fresh, right?”

“…Right.” Levi stared down at the pot of hot coffee that Eren had spent _hours_ preparing for him. Eren had said that just pushing glass shards around was extremely draining, so he could not comprehend the effort Eren must have exerted to accomplish this—nor why he would bother when Levi could do it himself half asleep in under a minute. “Thank you, Eren.”

That brilliant smile returned, broader and brighter than ever, and Levi had to look away. He distracted himself by taking a clean mug from the drying rack and pouring a cup of coffee. “You don’t have to make me coffee though,” he said.

“I wanted to,” Eren insisted. “Besides, I’ve been practicing! Moving stuff around isn’t as hard as it used to be. Look.” He reached towards the silverware drawer and narrowed his pale eyes. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then the drawer rattled slightly under his gaze and inched open. Eren turned towards the dish rack then and concentrated upon a single fork. The fork wobbled slowly through the air like a deflating balloon before finally dropping into the silverware drawer with a soft clack.

Once the fork was in place, Eren relaxed and looked towards Levi eagerly. “See? That would’ve taken me at least ten minutes two weeks ago. And I probably would’ve had to go away for a bit.”

“Go away to… what, recharge?”

“Yeah, I suppose. I don’t really know how any of this works.”

Levi sipped from his cup of coffee. It tasted better than usual somehow. But he still couldn’t get over the image of Eren exhausting himself, putting literal hours into a single, simple task. It wasn’t like Levi had told him to do it or even suggested it, but it still sparked a flare of guilt in him. He wasn’t worth that kind of effort. “Thanks,” he said again. “But seriously, don’t wear yourself out on my account. I don’t even get why you did this.”

Eren frowned, head dropping into that strange, confused tilt. “I did it because I like you,” he told Levi.

“…You like me?” Levi repeated. He couldn’t keep the edge of incredulity out of his tone. “I’m not even nice to you.”

For a long moment, Eren just pinned him with that disconcerting stare that Levi was certain went right through him. Then Eren’s color-less eyes flicked up to meet his and very deliberately looked away just as quickly. He said, “You’re a much better person than you think you are.”

Eren spoke with simple confidence, like he was just repeating the day’s weather forecast or reporting on how much milk was left in Levi’s refrigerator. His voice was soft and low, but the words were too loud—too fucking _earnest_ — in the quiet of the morning. Blood rose to Levi’s cheeks and neck, his skin heating. Levi busied himself by drinking deeply from his coffee. He mumbled around the mug, “You’re just saying that because I’m the only one here. You’d like anyone who could talk to you.”

Eren just smiled at him—not his usual bright grin, but a more sad lift to his lips. Levi looked away, muttered his thanks one final time, and escaped to his laptop for work.

=====

Levi woke up to coffee every morning afterward. He didn't comment again on the new routine, but he made sure to say thank you each time. And something else— Levi didn't know quite what, but _something_ — shifted.

Eren still watched more Netflix than could possibly be healthy, but it was no longer an all-day marathon. He'd watch a couple of movies while Levi worked, but more and more often he drifted away from the cell phone and over to where Levi sat with his laptop, watching Levi's fingers tap away at the keyboard and page through reference texts. Perhaps the ghost was simply becoming bored with the non-stop films. But Levi suspected that the real reason for the change was that Eren believed he might be able to get away with being more of a pest now.

The thing was that he was right. It was hard to be annoyed by someone who seemed fascinated by everything you did and said. Harder still to brush off someone who said that he liked you so matter-of-factly. Even for Levi.

So when Eren inevitably began pointing at random Arabic words and asking, “What does this say?” Levi didn't have it in him to ignore the ghost.

“Esophagus.”

“Some sort of obscure stomach disease thing, I've got to look it up.”

“...That's just 'because.'”

Then Eren started asking, “Why does it run backwards?” and “How do you tell where the letters start and end?” and before Levi knew it he found himself writing out the entire Arabic alphabet and explaining the different forms the letters could take and the sounds they made.

Copying out the alphabet made him start talking about crabby Mr. Chalabi , from whom he'd taken lessons every day after school for five years until the old man hurt his back slipping on ice and could no longer loon over Levi as he wrote. Mr. Chalabi stories becomes tales about Mrs. Osseiran— who made the best hadji badah in Detroit, bar none— and the al-Amin twins who lived a block away and taught Levi how to skateboard. (A deed for which they received a thorough tongue-lashing from their mother when Levi fell and broke his wrist.)

Eren absorbed all these stories with the utmost attention, waiting until Levi finally wound down to ask, “On your father's side, it is just your grandmother and an uncle, right?”

Levi stilled, looking at the ghost askance. Talking about people from around his old neighborhood was one thing. Talking about his family was completely different. “...Yeah. And his wife and their daughters. Don't talk much to any of them.” Not since his _bibi_ 's funeral anyway. His _amm_ contacted him once or twice a year-- to check that he was still alive, Levi assumed. He usually invited Levi to come celebrate Eid al-Fitr with him and his family, but it'd been a long time since Levi had last gone.

Eren propped his chin up on his hand. “What about your mother then? You don't ever talk about her.”

Levi looked away from Eren, down at all the papers he'd scattered across the floor in his effort to introduce Eren to written Arabic. Outside, the train roared past. Each blare of its horn sent a throb through his temple. “I don't really know anything about her family,” Levi said, trying valiantly not to sound curt. He rubbed his forehead. “They never— I never met any of them. And my mom died when I was nine, so.”

Usually Levi's dead mother was an instant conversation killer, but Eren didn't even twitch. Considering that Eren had grown up in an orphanage, Levi supposed he shouldn't be surprised. “What happened?” Eren asked.

The train was gone, but the headache remained. Levi started picking up the papers, careful not to meet Eren's eye. It was true— he didn't often talk about his mother. “She killed herself,” he said.

This was the part where people who didn't know Levi well served up cloying sympathy and people who did know Levi— knew him well enough to understand what a mess he was— zipped their lips and let their eyes do the talking. Levi knew what they thought. _That explains a lot._ Or even, _Apple doesn't fall far from the tree._

A peculiar sensation like dry running water brushed along Levi’s arm and he jumped. “Did you just—” He cut himself off when he caught sight of Eren’s face creased with frustration. Eren was scowling down at his hands, clenching his fingers into bony fists and then relaxing. “What are you doing?” Levi asked.

“I want to hug you,” Eren explained. “But...” He spread his arms out wide on either side of himself, grimacing.

Oh. A lump formed in Levi's throat, but he just swallowed it down and resisted the illogical urge to apologize. “It was a long time ago,” he said dismissively. “Besides, my _bibi_ always took good care of me. I couldn't ask for any better.”

It was a point of pride for her, a way of making up for her son's disgraceful behavior. From the time she tracked down Levi and his mother to the day she died, his _bibi_ did her best to ensure he had everything he needed— whether it be something as simple as new shoes or something as foreign to her as Hebrew classes so he could feel closer to his mother's heritage. (Never mind that his mother couldn't read a lick of Hebrew and was far from devout.) Even when Levi came out to his _bibi_ , she smiled, patted his hand, and told him, “I don't know what to do, so just tell me what you need.”

“She must've loved you a lot,” Eren said.

“Yeah,” Levi agreed, sighing. He was already ten kinds of done with this conversation. “I've got to get back to work.”

=====

Even though Eren's fascination with Netflix had waned, he still enjoyed watching movies with Levi at night. That evening was no different. He appeared beside Levi on the sofa, stretching out to rest his spectral feet on the coffee table beside the laptop, and then leaned over to watch as Levi texted Mike.

“ _movie?? and I’m not watching air bud, so stop”_

Mike had fallen into their nightly routine too because his replies always came fast. The message flashed onto Levi's phone screen in under a minute. “ _ive got a few, but first you gotta tell me about this guy you’re seeing”_

Eren raised an eyebrow. Levi refused to acknowledge the flush rising up to his cheeks as he texted back, “ _what”_

“ _dont front, erwin let it slip”_  
  
Doubtful. Erwin never let things “slip.” If Erwin mentioned his suspicions to Mike, it was most definitely for this exact purpose: to get Mike curious enough to ask Levi and possibly glean more information. Before Levi could text Mike to tell Erwin to fuck off, another message appeared: “ _besides youre clearly netflix & chilling with someone”_ The text ended with several winky face and thumbs up emojis.

“ _give me some fucking credit, if I was seeing someone I’d take him on a real date”_

“ _fine fine”_ Mike acquiesced. And then, after a moment, he sent, “ _you haven’t seen stardust yet, right?”_

Levi tapped out _“thx”_ before dropping his phone and pulling his laptop towards him.

“Aren’t we Netflix and chilling?” Eren asked. “Chilling means hanging out, right?”

“Yeah,” Levi said, squinting as he typed into the search bar. “But Netflix and chilling means fucking with Netflix on in the background.”

Eren’s face twisted in distaste, but Levi never got to find out just what part of the concept he’d taken offense to.

Someone knocked at the door, knuckles rapping against the cheap wood loudly. They both turned to look at it. Levi had cooked dinner, so it couldn’t be takeout delivery. Maybe Ymir or Historia?

But when Levi opened door, he found a stranger out in the hall, half buried behind an armload of equipment and notepads.

“Hi!” the stranger chirped, shuffling the cumbersome stack to stick out a hand. Levi shook it and they grinned widely. “Dr. Hange, it’s nice to meet you. You said in your email that you’d be free around this time?”

He... he _had_ , but that'd been ages ago. He'd assumed that the professor would call or at least email ahead before showing up. All of Levi’s expectations, it turned out, were wrong. He wasn’t sure exactly what kind of person he’d been picturing when he imagined Dr. Hange, but it definitely was not the person standing before him

Dr. Hange was taller than him by a few solid inches, broad-shouldered, and possessed hips so narrow that they sent a pang of envy right through Levi. Dr. Hange’s long hair hung loose and seemingly un-brushed, aside from when they pushed it out of their bespeckled face and tucked it behind their ears with a fast sweep of their hand. They looked too young to be a professor, but they didn’t look like one of those guys who chased spooky noises around on cable shows either.

“Nice to meet you,” he returned, though not nearly with the same degree of enthusiasm. “I’m Levi Ackerman.”

Dr. Hange chuckled. “I figured. It was either you or the ghost, and you are way too alive to be dead.”

Levi was dearly tempted to say something about being way too dead to be alive either, but he held his tongue. He didn’t have the energy to pull it off as a joke. So he just invited Dr. Hange inside. When they squeezed past him with their heap of supplies, Eren popped beside Levi, sitting on top of the nearest box with his eyes wide and pale.

“Levi,” he said urgently. “Did you just say—” But then he stopped. He turned to consider Dr. Hange, then looked back at Levi with that familiar tilt to his head. “Did she— he— did that person say ghost?”

Levi didn’t answer; he couldn’t, not with the professor right there. Dr. Hange dumped their things down atop Levi’s largest moving box, catching a palm-sized notepad that almost fell to the floor. “I’m guessing you just moved here, huh?” they said.

He wasn’t counting the days anymore, but it’d been about a month. Levi wasn’t about to tell them that when the apartment still looked like an advertisement for a packing service though. “Yeah,” he said, going around Dr. Hange to sit on the couch by his laptop.

“You said in your email that you lived alone, but does anyone else come by who might’ve heard or seen anything a haunting sign?”

Eren was still sitting by the door, his color-less eyes narrowed and icy. Levi swallowed, mouth dry. He’d meant to mention Dr. Hange to Eren, but it’d slipped his mind.

No, that wasn’t true. He just hadn’t wanted to broach the topic. After all, how the fuck did you tell the ghost who made you coffee and kept you company all day and said that he _liked_ you—how did you tell a ghost that you’d invited an exorcist to visit?

“Levi?” Dr. Hange said. He jerked his head around to look at the professor. They had followed his line of sight to the same box where Eren sat, but they looked right past him to the wall. “Do you see something over there?”

“No,” he answered. He scrubbed at his face in an attempt to wipe the guilt off of it, then gestured at his open laptop. “Sorry, you kind of caught me in the middle of something. And, uh, no, I don’t have visitors often. It’s just me here.” Dr. Hange was still staring in Eren’s direction, so Levi cleared his throat. “How did you want to do this?”

“We-ell,” Dr. Hange said, drawing the sound out as they slowly turned their head back to Levi. “I’m gonna get started with gathering some readings. Might take me a bit, so don’t mind me. Pretend I’m not even here.”

Levi nodded and Dr. Hange immediately became distracted with sorting through their pile. Eren appeared beside him on the couch and hissed, “Who is that?”

He couldn’t say anything with the professor barely five feet away, so Levi opened Microsoft Word and typed, _“They are a professor at a local university. They also study ghosts.”_

Eren read the two lines, brow furrowed. His fingers dug into his legs. “No one-- no one just _studies_ ghosts,” Eren said, voice rising as his face filled with fury. Energy crackled in the air. Levi thought he felt something rattling, but it may have just been his insides. “They’re an exorcist. You called an exorcist. You—”

“—Do you feel that?” Dr. Hange asked excitedly. Eren stopped short, glaring at the professor. Then, with one final sharp glance at Levi, he vanished from view. The buzzing that’d been reverberating throughout the room went with him and Dr. Hange frowned.

“No,” Levi said. He sank back into the couch, wishing he could disappear just as easily as Eren. “I don’t feel anything.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi is in pieces because at least he's holding them together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it's been forever. This chapter was completely written from scratch since there wasn't really a corresponding version in my rough draft. Also, it was tough to write. Also, I was busy. You know how it goes. Hopefully April will see more frequent updates.
> 
> Minimal editing because I am frankly sick of working on this chapter and I just want it out of the way at this point.
> 
> (Why yes, I do mean Mr. Eisenhardt as in Max Eisenhardt as Erik Lehnsherr. Have you ever read "New Beautiful Things Come" by Raven?)

“Dude, are you all right? You’ve been staring into space for _forever_.”

Levi startled, turning his head. Dr. Hange was packing up their things, gaze never leaving him even as their hand groped about to find the next piece of equipment to add to their stack. 

Levi started to speak, but his throat was too tight. He swallowed heavily, then cleared his throat. “Are you done?”

“Yep,” Dr. Hange said brightly, nodding their head. Their hair was even more mused than when they’d arrived. They must have been messing with it as they worked. “Unless I can sleep over and get some night-time recordings?"

Levi was pretty sure the professor was just joking, but they sounded hopeful. “Uh, I don’t--” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Dr. Hange assured him, laughing. “I’ve got more than enough data to analyze right now. But maybe some other time? The more data I can get, the better.” 

“Maybe,” Levi hedged. His eyes were sore. Discreetly, he brushed his hand over his cheeks. They were dry. “What do I owe you?” 

“You want to pay me? I can’t take your money! If anything, I feel like I should be paying you. Do you have any idea how rare it is for me to find a legitimate, active haunting? Usually, I only get pranks or duds. The only thing I need from you is--” Dr. Hange stopped, looking down at their arms full of equipment, then shuffled over towards where Levi sat on the couch. “Uh, could you reach into my back pocket? Sorry, I should’ve done this earlier, but I was all excited.” 

Levi delicately slipped his hand into Dr. Hange’s pants pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. It was some sort of consent form. 

“All I need is your signature,” Dr. Hange explained. “That basically says I have your permission to use any data I get from your case in my research and that I can publish my findings, blah blah blah. Your identity will be obscured, if you prefer.” 

“You’re doing a study?” Levi asked, reaching across the coffee table for a pen to sign it. 

“Of course! Just in my free time, unfortunately-- I don’t have any kind of funding, so it’s slow going.” 

“What for though? What is it on?” 

Dr. Hange blinked at him, surprised into silence. It didn’t last long though. “Well, to prove that ghosts are real. Scientifically and conclusively, once and for all.” 

“But… if you can come into someone’s apartment and take some readings and say, ‘Aha, yes, there’s a ghost,’ then why isn’t it already proven?” Of course, up until Eren’s appearance, Levi hadn’t believed in ghosts either. 

“There’s several factors behind the scientific community's dismissal of ghosts,” Dr. Hange said, launching into what was clearly their lecture mode. “First of all, analyzing data for signs of spectral activity is more of an art than a science. Every haunting is different, so you have to be open to your imagination to see the evidence for what it is. Second, hauntings are very rare and most of them are not especially strong. It is hard to get solid data from these incidents and most of the time no data is even recorded because the person being haunted calls in a trigger-happy priest or witch before a researcher like me even catches wind of it. Third, most of the people who are sensitive enough to ghosts to know they exist are not considered credible. So--” 

“--What do you mean ‘not credible?’” Levi interrupted. 

“Too young, too old, too ill, or too unhinged,” Dr. Hange supplied readily. Their lips curved into a sharp, humorless grin. “You’ll never guess which category my colleagues believe I fall in.” 

Levi snorted. He supposed he probably fell into the same one. 

“I’ve been collecting evidence for years, gathering every bit of data I can, but all I really need is a breakthrough case,” Dr. Hange declared. “A haunting strong enough and clear enough that it is indisputable.” 

They should’ve looked ridiculous, standing in the midsts of Levi’s cardboard box sea with their arms filled with a lopsided pile of gadgets. But Dr. Hange’s stance was firm and their eyes were lit with passion behind their glasses. 

Levi looked away, picking at a piece of fuzz on the couch. He probably should’ve felt bad for the many lies of omission he’d dealt to Dr. Hange already in their short acquaintance, but his chest was nothing more than a gaping hole, his mind a black void.  “Well, good luck with that,” he told them, folding the release form back up and stuffing it into the professor’s pocket. 

“I’ll start looking over my data from today as soon as possible and I’ll let you know what I find,” Dr. Hange said, walking carefully towards the door with their things. “And I’ll almost definitely be back later to record some more data. Hopefully soon, but summer semester is always so hectic. Could you get the door?”

Levi saw the professor out and made sure they got down the apartment stairs okay before returning to his apartment. He locked the door behind him with a loud clack, then leaned against it. His head ached and his limbs felt sore and stiff. Dr. Hange’s unexpected visit had drained him dry and all he wanted to do was curl up in bed, but there was something he had to do first. 

With a sigh, he lifted his heavy head and looked into the living room. “Eren,” he called. “Are you-- it’s safe to come out. They’re gone. Eren?”

He waited, but no ghost appeared atop any of the boxes. Levi pushed himself off the door and trudged through the living room slowly, as though he would find Eren hiding behind the couch or something. He concentrated, trying to sense the strange prickle he got whenever Eren watched him from somewhere unseen, but there was nothing to feel. 

Levi stopped in the middle of the living, fingers curling into fists. “Eren,” he tried again, raising his voice as loud as he dared. He didn’t want Ymir and Historia hearing through their shared wall. “Hey, Eren, I should’ve told you about the professor. I should’ve-- I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry, Eren.” 

There was no answer. Levi waited until the apartment was pitch dark, illuminated only by the dim light of the streetlamp near his window. When Levi’s eyes began to burn, he trudged to his bedroom, fisted his pillow and blanket, and dragged them out into the living room where he collapsed onto the couch. Even as he laid down, he forced his eyes open, searching the corners of the room for any sign of Eren’s pale eyes, his silly, floppy hair, his easy smile. 

It was no good. Eventually, he slipped into sleep. 

===== 

Levi dreamed about his mother and woke up thinking about every sharp thing in the apartment. The kitchen knives. The scissors. The tiny blades in his safety razors. His hands shook. 

Hidden beneath his covers, he called his supervisor and told her he was sick and couldn’t work. It wasn’t a lie and yet a small sense of victory still unfurled in his chest when she bought it. Levi tried carefully not to think about the last time he’d called in sick. Very carefully. It didn’t work. 

He focused on just breathing instead. In. Out. The heat beneath the blankets became punishing, but Levi didn’t dare draw them back. He couldn’t look at the empty apartment without— 

He’d made a promise. To his _bibi_ , to Erwin. He’d made a deal with himself when he moved and that meant he had to try, had to try and try until he was absolutely spent. Until he really was running empty. 

His fingers were still clenched around his phone. They were getting sweaty, so it took him two attempts to navigate to his contact list. Erwin. He couldn’t be alone right now, Erwin would— 

No, no. He couldn’t call Erwin now. He’d scare him. Erwin would probably hop in his car and invade the apartment in a matter of hours. That wasn’t necessary. Levi wasn’t going to do anything drastic. He wasn’t. 

Even still, Levi tapped out a text with his shaky fingers. _“could you call me when you get off work?”_

_“Yes.”_ Erwin sent another text barely a moment later. _“I can call now if you need me to.”_

Levi buried his face into his pillow, his breath hot against cheeks. He was being pulled in too many different directions. His pride, battered as it was, did not want to give in and admit how badly he needed help. His heart wanted to give in and call Erwin for entirely different reasons. The rational part of his mind wanted to abandon the foolish course he’d set himself on and confess to Erwin immediately the real reason he’d moved away. And his depression-- well, better not to dwell too much on exactly what it wanted. 

Outside, the train thundered down the tracks. Levi listened to its clashing and rattling and focused on his breathing. When it had gone, Levi made up his mind and sent _“no thanks”_ before throwing off the blankets. He practically sprinted to his bedroom. He dressed himself in the first clothes he found, then went and rapped on the neighbors’ door. 

As he waited for an answer, he counted up the hours in his head, calculating how long he had until Erwin would call. Ten at the most, but knowing Erwin it was probably more like eight. Hell, he might even call during his lunch break. But ten hours at most. He could keep it together that long. He just needed to stay out of the apartment and-- 

Historia opened the door, her eyes rimmed red. Levi latched onto this detail, relieved to be thinking about anything besides himself. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

Historia sniffed, her puffy eyes narrowing. “You’re the one banging down my door.”

“Have you been crying?” Levi deflected.

She scowled at him, folding her arms over her chest. Levi looked her up and down, taking in the plain, dark colored slacks and purple button-down. Purple really wasn’t her color and Levi had never seen her wear dress slacks, so he asked, “Are you going to work?” 

“N-- yes,” Historia said. Her already blotchy face turned redder. “I mean, yeah.”

“Don’t you work at your college’s garden?” Levi definitely remembered this coming up at some point. Historia’s parents sent her a monthly allowance that covered most of her expenses, so Historia usually only worked about fifteen hours a week. Her packed course schedule didn’t allow for much else. “Those don’t look like gardening clothes.” 

“What’s it matter to you?” Historia demanded, her eyes watering with fresh tears. She scrubbed at her face, mumbling “Fuck, fuck,” as her eyeliner smeared. 

“You just don’t look very okay,” Levi said. 

“Well, you don’t either,” she snapped back. 

Levi didn’t want the conversation turning back to himself, so he said, “Is there anything I can do?” 

Historia snorted, her nose gurgling with snot from all her crying. “Ugh,” she muttered. “No, not unless you wanna come bus tables for the breakfast and lunch shift.”

She was clearly being sarcastic, but it sounded perfect-- public, busy, enough of a distraction to hopefully drown out the noise in his head. “Sure.” 

Historia laughed, then abruptly stopped. “Wait, for real?” 

“I’ve got the day off,” Levi said. Historia still looked skeptical, so he added, “I’ve been a busser before. I mean, not that it requires loads of experience, but...” 

Historia laughed again, shaking her head. “Yeah, sure. Fuck, okay. Let’s see if he’ll have you.”

And so Historia fixed her eyeliner, helped Levi pick out an appropriate change of clothes from his moving boxes, and then they were on their way to a small but popular kosher deli in the heart of downtown. “The waitstaff isn’t very big in the first place,” Historia explained as Levi drove. “And it’s been getting smaller because the new manager is such a raging dick. Hell, I’d quit too, except-- Anyway, apparently two of the servers called in sick, so it’s going to be pretty much just me and Mr. Eisenhardt on the floor today. And I really, really do not want to out there alone with him.”

Levi understood how she felt within five minutes of meeting the man. Mr. Eisenhardt was a short-tempered perfectionist who expected those around him to meet his exacting standards at all times. He demanded to know why Historia was (three minutes) late, but didn’t listen to her answer. When Historia explained to him who Levi was and why he had come, Mr. Eisenhardt flicked his eyes over him, snapped off a few questions about his job experience, then put him to work with a full complement of duties as though Levi had worked for him for years. 

He watched Levi near constantly the first hour that Levi was bussing, waiting for Levi to make some numbskull mistake or reveal a devastating character flaw. But by the time business got into full swing and Mr. Eisenhardt could no longer spare Levi such a large fragment of his attention, he seemed to decide that Levi was passable enough for the day’s staffing crisis. This stamp of approval apparently meant that Levi got his own share of the barking that Mr. Eisenhardt had previously reserved for Historia and the kitchen staff. 

Historia was right-- he was a terror to work with. But it was good to keep his hands busy. It was good to keep his mind occupied. It was good to keep himself for being alone.  And so when they closed up the deli after lunch and Mr. Eisenhardt paid him under the table with a fistful of bills and a takeout box stuffed with cheese blintzes, Levi almost felt as though he should hand it all back. 

Instead, he thanked Mr. Eisenhardt and gave the money to Historia the second they got into his car. 

“Are you serious?” she demanded. 

“You’re not getting the blintzes,” he told her. His own attempts at blintzes always turned out shitty, so it’d been a while since he’d had a good one. Mr. Eisenhardt’s smelled delicious. 

“Levi, I can’t take this.” 

“I don’t need any extra money,” Levi said as he carefully edged out of his parallel parking spot. “And _you_ clearly need the extra money for something if you’re putting up with that guy.” 

Historia sighed, but didn’t dispute the point. “You know, he once told me I couldn’t have my phone on me when I was on the floor because it wasn’t kosher.” 

The corner of Levi’s mouth lifted for a moment. “He was totally fucking with you.” 

“I know. I went home and looked it up. Kosher ain’t got shit to do with cell phones.” She turned and stared out the car window. “I don’t think he’s a bad guy though. He’s just really high-strung. I can be a jerk when I’m stressed out too. Like this morning.” 

There was an apology in there, though Historia didn’t say it. Levi accepted it anyway. “S’okay,” he told her.

“I’m--” Historia paused, then turned around to face Levi again. He was stopped at a red light, so he spared her a glance. “You can’t tell Ymir about today. Or this job at all. She thinks I’m at a Renaissance Art class during my shifts.” 

“...All right,” Levi agreed, though his mind was kicking into overdrive. Was Historia saving up money so she could move out and skip out of town on Ymir? Or maybe she needed the cash for something she knew Ymir wouldn’t approve of, like a drug habit. Surely Historia wasn’t also--

“I want to buy Ymir an engagement ring. A nice one, since she doesn’t have a lot of nice things.” 

Levi could not fucking believe it. Only his promise to Ymir kept his face straight. “That sounds like a good idea,” Levi said. Somehow he managed to get the words out without them sounding too stilted. “I bet she’d love that.” 

Historia huffed, but she was smiling. “Well, she’ll probably complain a bit about me spending so much money on her, but she deserves it. She works so hard-- you know, she got this awful burn on her hand at work!” 

“Yeah, I, uh, heard about that.” Thank fucking god they were only a block away from the apartment now. He was not a good enough liar for these kind of charades.

“I should have enough saved up by graduation, but everything will so busy. So I’ll probably propose after the ceremony. But you have to keep it a secret, okay?”

Damn, it kept getting worse. Levi flexed his fingers against the steering wheel and focused on the road. “Don’t worry. I won’t say a thing.” 

===== 

By the time they made it up the stairs to their floor, Levi’s feet were aching from hours of standing. He entertained the notion of soaking in a warm bath briefly as he said goodbye to Historia, but when he unlocked his door and stepped into the empty apartment, the thoughts twisted into an image of his mother’s long dark hair, wet with blood. 

His blanket and pillow were still bunched up on the couch. Levi collapsed onto it, burying his face. How many more hours until Erwin would call? It couldn’t be long now. He was tempted to check the time, but it would probably be more torturous than reassuring. Maybe he could just take a nap until Erwin called. Levi hadn’t slept very well. 

The hairs on Levi’s neck stood on end. He lifted his head, then turned over onto his back. Eren was perched on the couch arm opposite him, his translucent hands folded in his lap like a schoolboy about to be scolded. 

Eren didn’t speak, so finally Levi asked, “Where were you?” 

Eren’s fingers twitched, but otherwise he was unnaturally still. “Here. I’m always here.” 

“Why didn't you come out then? I--” _I was calling for you. I wanted to apologize. I couldn’t trust myself to be alone._ Levi didn’t know what he’d intended to say, but he couldn’t bear to utter any of them.

“I was angry,” Eren said. His voice was flat-- dead. It didn’t sound like him at all and Levi wasn’t sure how to respond to this new, more haunting Eren. But then Eren shivered, flickered, and finally met Levi’s eyes. When he spoke again, it was with the rises, falls, and accompanying expressions that Levi had grown used to. “When I wasn’t angry anymore, you were… I couldn’t tell if you wanted to be left alone or if you wanted company. By the time I realized you needed company, you were running out the door.” 

Levi chuckled darkly, hiding behind his hand. It was almost exactly what Erwin had said when he brought Levi back from the hospital after his car accident-- and it had been an _accident_ , regardless of what Erwin suspected. Erwin had been hovering even worse than usual. This was years ago, back when Levi was still capable of cooking up and maintaining a bad temper, and he’d been even more snappish than usual. 

Finally, Erwin huffed, “Look, I can’t always tell whether I should be respecting your space or whether you can’t be left alone.” 

Levi shot back with, “I’ll make it easy for you then, shitbrains-- if I say leave me alone, then leave me the fuck alone,” and threw a mug of black tea to the floor. The mug broke and the tea left a faint stain on the rug that had once been Mrs. Smith’s favorite, but Erwin had been more upset about the stitches Levi had torn in the process. Erwin hadn’t cried, but it was the closest Levi had ever seen him get to it.   

Apparently, after all this time and all the medications and therapies and diets and treatments Levi had tried, he really hadn’t changed at all. 

Eren looked like he dearly wanted to know what the hell Levi found funny, but didn’t dare ask. His fingers curled into fists in his lap, and then he lifted one hand to scratch the back of his neck in a decidedly human fashion. “I should tell you...” he began, but the words trailed off. He sighed without any breath, then forged onward. “I’ve been thinking-- for a while now, years, maybe _decades_ \-- that, well… I’m probably not supposed to be here. I mean, it’s not natural. I’ve been so lonely and there’s no _reason_ for me to be here. So maybe… maybe I should get exorcised.”

He looked so young. Eren had been twenty-four when he died; he'd told Levi this, casually, as if it was just an age and not achingly, unfairly early demise. Twenty-four was too young to die and yet-- 

Levi hadn’t asked Dr. Hange why ghosts existed. Was it unfinished business, like in the movies? Was it just plain luck of the draw? He should have asked them. He wished that he’d asked them, because maybe then he’d have a reason to tell Eren-- a reason for him to be here. 

But no, that wasn't right. That wasn't right at all, was it?

“Even if you don’t have a reason,” Levi said, “that doesn’t mean you should get exorcised. You don’t-- you don’t need a reason for living.” It came out all wrong-- too loud, too sharp. Levi’s own words cut into him until he was laid bare. Eren stared at him with his pale eyes wide and for a moment Levi thought he saw a flash of himself reflected in them.

Levi swallowed around the lump that had risen in his throat and made himself finish what he’d started the night before. “And I’m sorry. When I contacted Dr. Hange, it was before--- well, before. I don’t want them to exorcise you. I don’t think they even want to, they seem really fired up about studying you and they can’t study you if you’re dead-- uh, exorcised.” He was rambling. Levi snapped his mouth shut.

Eren regarded him with that strange tilt to his head. His eyes narrowed until the colorless irises were nearly out of view. It was his piercing, x-ray stare that usually made Levi want to squirm and turn away. This time though, Levi breathed deeply, welcoming the vulnerability Eren’s gaze created.

It was good-- so good-- to be seen.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Eren said finally, slowly. “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have stayed away so long.”

Levi shook his head, but didn’t have it in him to argue.

For a while, they both just sat on their opposite ends of the couch, watching one another. Then Eren leaned forward on his perch, vanished, and reappeared in a blink on the coffee table, settling just a few inches from Levi’s head. “Hey,” he said, a little awkwardly. “Yesterday, um...”

“Yeah?”

Eren finished in a rush. “You said your name was Levi Ackerman. Ackerman, right?”

“...Yeah,” Levi drawled. “Because that’s my name.”

Eren’s mouth quirked up into a reluctant smile that Levi didn’t understand at all. Maybe that was why he couldn’t look away. Eren licked his lips and Levi tracked every moment of the motion. “Well... It’s probably just a coincidence, but... that was Mikasa’s name. Mikasa Ackerman.”

=====

When Erwin called a little later, Levi blinked at the phone in surprise. Somehow, he’d completely forgotten his desperation that morning.

Eren had sunken into the couch, eyes locked on the laptop screen where _Men in Black_ played. It gave Levi an excuse to take the call outside, though he’d never bothered to be so polite before. Eren’s eyes cut to him briefly when he stood, but bounced away just as quickly. Things were still too raw for poking and prodding at each other.

Levi went to the apartment’s stairwell and sat down before answering. He’d taken too long to pick up because the first thing he heard was Erwin’s barely restrained sigh of relief before he said, “Hey. How are you?”

“Fine. Better.” He still hadn’t changed out of the clothes he’d worn to Historia's job. He tugged at a loose thread that was poking from a seam. “Didn’t mean to make you worry. I just-- I want to ask you a favor.”

“Anything,” Erwin promised, easy as that.

“I need you to look up some people for me.”     


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi goes out for brunch and the conversation turns to very not-suited-for-brunch topics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Fastest GUTG update ever! Amaze! Minimal proofing/revision, feel free to point out mistakes.
> 
> PLEASE NOTE: This chapter discusses a sexual predator, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. There are no graphic details-- various characters are discussing/recalling events, and most things are talked around rather than about. However, please tread cautiously if these are sensitive topics for you. I am happy to answer any questions on my tumblr: http://zhedang.tumblr.com/

When Levi woke the next morning, he was relieved to be greeted by the smell of coffee. He could smell it from his bed, rich and warm. He hoped it meant that he’d really been forgiven.

Usually Levi would lie in bed for a couple of hours since it was Saturday, but instead he wandered out into the kitchen. Eren was sitting at the table with one of Levi’s Arabic grammar books open in front of him. He looked up at Levi as he approached and graced him with a small smile before focusing on the book until a single page flipped. 

Levi poured himself some coffee and leaned against the counter to watch Eren. The ghost’s eyebrows were pressed together in concentration as he trudged through the text. It was partly in English so there was something for Eren to read, but it couldn’t be that interesting to him. It was  _grammar_ . 

“I could pick up some books for you,” Levi offered. Eren lifted his head, brows lifting with surprise. “I don’t have many books besides reference stuff for work, but if you told me something you’d like to read, I could get it.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” Levi insisted. It had to get boring being alone all night. Since Eren’s ghost powers didn’t work on touch screens or trackpads, Levi couldn’t leave his phone or computer out for him to mess with. But moving books around and turning their pages was apparently within the realm of possibility. Besides, Levi couldn’t help but think that he didn’t deserve Eren’s forgiveness-- or his coffee. He had to do something to properly make up for his latest fuck up. “What kind of book would you like to read?”

Eren folded his arms and thought. “Something about recent history would be good. I kind of have an idea of what has been happening, but it’s not really clear. If not that, maybe Harry Potter?”

Levi snorted into his coffee mug. The movies weren’t on Netflix and he sure hadn’t told Eren about it. Apparently even dead people knew about Harry Potter. “Anything else?”

Eren lifted one hand to his mouth and nibbled at a nail. Levi had never seen him do it before, so he couldn’t help but stare a little. Did Eren’s fingernails even grow? Would biting do anything to them? And maybe it was just Levi’s imagination, but it looked like there was more color to Eren’s transparent face than before. His lips definitely looked pinker, at least.

“Maybe...” Eren said. “A book about… LGBT things?” He said the acronym carefully, looking to Levi to make sure he got it right. Levi nodded in approval. “Other than that, I can’t think of anything else. I don’t read fast anyway, not like Armin, so I don’t need a lot of books.”

“Okay,” Levi said, committing the short list to memory. He’d have to find a bookstore nearby.

Eren grinned-- his first real smile since the fiasco with Dr. Hange, with his eyes crinkling at the corners and everything. Levi must not have drank enough coffee yet because the next words out of his mouth were, “So what’s your deal anyway? You like guys? Girls? No one?”

Smooth, Levi. Real smooth.

Eren blinked, slow and cat-like. “Um. Well, I guess the word is bisexual? I never had much of a preference. Not that it really mattered for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean people weren’t exactly lining up to date me.”

Levi lowered his coffee mug to give Eren a long once-over. His long bangs flopped all over his face in the most ridiculous ways, but it gave him a sort of boyish charm. There was no color to his eyes, but they were nicely shaped, as was his nose. He had strong jawline and a completely arresting grin. Levi couldn’t be certain since he rarely saw Eren standing, but he must have been taller than average, with broad shoulders and a trim waist. His fashion sense didn’t seem too odd, though Levi knew jackshit about what kind of looks were in during the 1930s. Eren could be a little annoying and intense at times, but he had a good sense of humor and a kind demeanor. “I’m not seeing the problem here,” he concluded out loud. “You seem like a catch to me.”

Eren chuckled lowly. “You’re only saying that because you’ve never seen my legs.”

“Let’s see them then,” Levi said. Eren just blinked at him again, even slower than before. “Come on, roll up your pants legs. Unless you don’t want me looking at them. You don’t have to show me. Shit, that was probably really fucking rude, wasn’t it?”

“...I don’t mind. Just...” Eren trailed off, then shrugged. He popped up onto the table so Levi could get a better look, then bent in half to deftly fold the cuffs of his trousers up to his knees. First one leg, then the other. Finally, he sat up straight again and spread his hands in a sarcastic “ta-da” gesture.

Underneath the worn fabric of his trousers, Eren’s legs were… well, thin. Atrophy, Levi’s brain supplied, first in English with the Arabic word following close behind. He saw it often enough in the medical documents he translated. They weren’t quite as thin as the legs of some paraplegic people Levi had met, but they were close. Eren’s feet, still encased in his shoes, seemed bent at the ankle in odd angles and his knees looked somewhat swollen. Overall, they were skinny and way more asymmetrical than most people’s, but… well, they were legs.

“Still not really seeing the issue here.” Eren glared at him and Levi held his unoccupied hand up. “I’m not saying you’ve got gorgeous legs or anything, just-- they’re only legs. Just one part of the rest of you. You’re more than just a pair of legs.”

Eren scoffed. “I appreciate the sentiment, but the ‘issue’ is a lot more than just how my legs look. If you go out with me, then you’re going to be seen with me. I can get around fine with crutches, but my limp is really bad. Very noticeable. People stare. And I get worn out fast and I can’t work a lot of jobs, so supporting a family is out of the question. And when I'm having a bad day, I get pissed off easy and yell. And-- it's not just how they look, all right?” 

“I see where you’re coming from, but... shit, dating _anybody_ has issues. Anyone dating me would have to put up with all my bullshit. You’ve seen me,” Levi said. Eren frowned, mouth silently forming the word “bullshit,” but he didn’t interrupt. Levi forged onward. “Erwin’s had plenty of girlfriends dump him because he’s married to his job. Even Mike-- he’s damn near perfect, but he’s really passionate about a lot of stuff and spreads thin fast. I know people have broken up with him because they got tired of feeling squeezed in with everything else  on his priority list.”

“That’s not the same though,” Eren said, his legs swinging from his table top perch. “You being sick, maybe, but that other stuff is just personality problems.”

“I know it’s not the same, but--” Levi dragged his hand over his face, not sure anymore how to properly explain. “Look, I’m just saying you’re a good guy and you shouldn’t have to feel like it's too much trouble for people to date you.”

“I know that,” Eren insisted, his pale eyes bright. “I shouldn’t have to. But people-- not everyone is as enlightened as you or whatever. It doesn’t matter what I think when it’s what everyone else thinks that’s the problem.”

Levi grumbled, “I’m not enlightened. I just know that people suck. Plenty of first hand experience with people sucking.”

The corner of Eren’s mouth rose up in a reluctant grin. It was enough to defuse the tension from the-- not the argument, it wasn’t an argument. Then he sighed, fidgeting with the bulge of his rolled up trousers. “Have people really dumped you because you’re sick?”

The tension took up residence in Levi’s gut. It was a fair question, but Levi couldn’t help but be wary whenever his romantic history came up. “...I’ve never really been in a long enough relationship for my depression to become an issue. Me being trans usually becomes an issue first.”

Eren wrinkled his nose in honest confusion. “Why?”

“Plenty of dudes out there that don’t want anything to do with a dude who has a vagina.”

“Why don’t you try girls then?”

“I don’t like girls. Besides, plenty of girls are shitty about it too.”

“Oh.” Eren turned this information over in his head a few times, fingers drumming on his bare knee. “Why don’t you only date guys like you then?”

Levi snorted. “That’s a tiny dating pool you’re throwing me in. And I have tried dating some trans men. Cis men too. But… well, it never works out for one reason or another.” The reason was almost always Levi. Not because of his depression-- he was good at masking his symptoms when he needed too-- but because he wasn’t really committed to dating. His heart just wasn’t in it.

Eren’s furrowed brows went deeper, his mouth following with a small frown. “Well, I don’t care about that. Or you being sick.  _ I’d _ date you, and if I’d date you then someone else must want to too.”

Something small but warm shifted in Levi’s chest, gentle as a baby bird. He realized with some surprise that he was smiling a little-- honest to God smiling, nothing sharp or self-deprecating about it. In the same moment he realized it, it slipped off his face like it’d never been there. Gone in the wind like smoke.

He scratched awkwardly at the shaved part of his head. “Thanks. I’d date you too if-- well, you know.” Levi gestured broadly up and down at Eren’s translucent form hovering ever so slightly above the table. “If you were alive and date-able.”

Eren smiled, bright and broad, and the warm thing in Levi’s chest spread its wings. 

=====

Apparently I’d-fuck-you conversations were more awkward than I-tried-to-have-you-killed conversations because a new kind of tension filled the kitchen afterwards. Levi was almost relieved when someone rapped their knuckles against his door.

“How do you feel about brunch?” Ymir asked, bouncing on the balls on her feet.

“Brunch is good,” Levi said. “Not as early as breakfast. Tastier than lunch.”

“No, I mean brunch right now? I’ve got a serious craving for the home fries at this little place about ten blocks away and Historia wants their eggs Benedict. But there’s, like, a torrential downpour outside _aaaaaaand_ Historia says you have a car,” Ymir said brightly. She was full-on grinning like Levi had never seen her do before. “So would you give us a lift and come eat with us? We’ll pay for you and everything.”

Levi leaned backwards so he could see a corner of his living room window. Sure enough, the glass was slick with water. He hadn’t even noticed. Well, he’d been pretty distracted by the coffee and Eren. “Yeah, okay,” he said. He hadn’t have a decent brunch or breakfast in weeks. Not since the morning of his move, when Mike made him the fluffiest pancakes known to mankind, served with fresh-made strawberry compote. “But what’s got you in such a good mood? Are these home fries really that good?”

Ymir’s eyes flicked towards her apartment door, then she leaned forward and lowered her voice. “I finished it yesterday,” she said, fingers of her good hand curling into the rough shape of a ring. “So I’m all ready to go after graduation.”

“Ah.” Levi wondered when graduation was. He hoped it wasn’t too far off because it was getting harder and harder not to accidentally spoil both of their surprises. When he’d moved out to Philadelphia, he’d come to be alone. Yet somehow he’d wound up with a dead roommate and an accidental entanglement in his neighbors’ Gift of the Magi rom-com mess. It was probably better this way, even if it wasn’t what he’d wanted. “If we’re heading out now, I need a few minutes to get dressed first.”

Eren had overheard the whole conversation, so there was no need to explain where he was going. Even still, Levi eyed Eren carefully to make sure he didn’t seem… bothered by Levi’s departure so soon after their rather intense conversation. He didn’t. His trouser legs had been rolled back down at some point and he cast a smile in Levi’s direction when Levi emerged from his bedroom in fresh clothes. He wished him a nice time as Levi walked out the door.

Levi sensed-- deep in his bones or maybe right on the surface of his skin-- that something between them had shifted again. He still didn’t know what.

=====

Despite being a trio of mostly functional adults, they only had a single, purse-sized umbrella between the three of them. Historia claimed it for the sake of her hair since she'd spent far more time on it that morning than Ymir and Levi combined. With the rain coming down sideways, they were soaked by the time they got into Levi’s car and they were sopping wet when they finally made it from their parking spot to the restaurant. The only thing dry was Historia’s hair.

Levi wouldn’t let them pay for him. They were broke college students and he had more than enough money sitting in his bank accounts to eat out whenever he pleased. Besides, he suspected that the bills Historia brandished when trying to claim Levi’s bill had come from Mr. Eisenhardt’s under-the-table payment. Levi wouldn’t take it. Eisenhardt owed him nothing and neither did Historia.

After their food arrived (Levi wound up with a breakfast burrito almost as big as his head) and they began to gorge themselves, Ymir asked after Dr. Hange. Levi told her that the professor had been by.

Historia didn’t look up from her plate, where she was trying to scoop up some egg yolk with her fork. “So did Dr. Hange exorcise the ghost?” she asked. Her tone was indulgent, as though she was asking a child whether or not the Scooby gang had managed to solve their latest mystery. 

“I don’t think it needs to be exorcised,” Levi said. “It hasn’t really been doing anything bad.”

“If there was a ghost in our apartment, I wouldn’t care if it was doing anything bad or not. It’s gotta go,” Ymir said, grimacing. She looked towards Historia. “RIght?”

“If ghosts were real and in our apartment, I definitely wouldn’t want them around watching us fuck,” Historia replied. Ymir blushed so hard that the pink blared through her brown cheeks.

“If you value your privacy that much,” Levi said, “You might want to consider fucking quieter.”

Ymir turned downright red. “ _Anyway_...” she cut in emphatically. “You might want to have it exorcised just to be on the safe side. I mean, you look kinda awful. Like you haven’t been sleeping much.”

Levi snorted into his humongous burrito. If anything, he slept too much. He tended to turn in early and sleep as late as possible, averaging around ten hours each night. While excessive sleep was definitely better than not enough, he knew he was walking a thin line. It wasn’t right to feel so exhausted, so uninterested in being awake to face the world. “That’s nothing new,” he assured Ymir. “I’ve been a wreck almost as long as you’ve been alive.”

“You shouldn’t say that kind of stuff about yourself, you know,” Historia said. Levi shot her skeptical look that bordered on disdain. “I’m just saying. The more you say it, the more you think it’s true, even if you’re joking. You’re not a wreck.”

“Whatever.” Once, this kind of nettling bullshit would’ve made Levi get all prickly and defensive, but Levi didn’t have the energy for it much anymore.

“I’m serious. I think you’re great.”

“You barely know me.”

Historia sighed and smeared more yolk over her plate. “If nothing else, you’re a hundred times better than the pervert that lived next to us before you.”

Ymir groaned. “Ugh, that guy was such a gross creeper.” She slapped her palm down on the table. “He used to always be leering at us, especially Historia. I swear he memorized our schedules so he could try to catch us leaving and chat us up. Always saying creepy shit-- I even caught him recording a video of Historia once with his phone.”

“What’d you do?” Levi asked, fascinated by Ymir’s sudden anger. It was amazing how some people could feel so much so fast.

“Smashed it. Complained to the landlord about him too, but of course nothing ever happened. Fucking men,” she sneered.

Levi wondered if she was counting him in that distasteful group. He wanted to stick up for men, but couldn’t do it in good conscience. He knew firsthand just how awful some men could be. It was why he tried to be conscientious of how he took up space, how he interacted with women. Perhaps he was too short and too obviously worn down to cut a very intimidating figure, but he still remembered how scared he used to be in his early years. How scared he still was, on the rare occasions that he felt anything at all. 

He wondered, suddenly, at Ymir’s vehemence. Was she just protective of Historia? Or had something happened to her like something had happened to him? He couldn’t ask. It wasn’t exactly brunch conversation.

Historia dropped her fork to her plate with a loud clatter. “It’s all moot now anyway,” she said. “About three months ago, he fell down the apartment stairs or something. Got pretty banged up from what I heard. Moved out not too long after he was released from the hospital.”

Levi wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to this information. From what little he knew of the guy, it sounded like just desserts. But maybe falling down the stairs and landing in the hospital was worth some sympathy. Levi didn’t want to give a sexual predator any of his sympathy, but maybe that was overly callous of him. How would a human being react to this? “That’s… bad?” he guessed.

Historia rolled her eyes. “I don’t care if this makes me a terrible person, but when I heard about him finally leaving, I went out and bought a bottle of champagne.” She wiped her hands with a paper napkin in a gesture that looked oddly dainty for her. “Anyway, like I was saying: you’re kind of weird, but you’re a major improvement.”

“Thanks, I suppose.”

=====

When Levi got back, he thought for a moment that the apartment was empty. Eren was nowhere to be seen in the living room. Levi called for him, but there wasn’t any answer. Well, it was nothing to worry about. Eren probably just went away to recharge his ghost batteries.

But when Levi went to kitchen to put his burrito leftovers in the fridge, Eren was there. He was working on the book again. But instead of turning pages as he read, he had the book floating a foot off the table, pages flipping one way and then the other as though they were being rippled by the wind. Eren’s face was so creased with concentration that it looked thunderous, his pale eyes flashing like lightning. As Levi watched, the pages went faster and faster until they were little more than a white blur. The paper flapped nosily like a trapped bird. He still hadn’t noticed Levi standing in the kitchen and that unnerved Levi more than his terrible, strange expression and the uncanny display of power.

Levi found his voice. “What are you doing?”

Eren’s head yanked around as though Levi had pulled it himself. The book shot away, flying sideways until it collided against the wall with a loud slap. Eren’s head jerked towards the noise, his eyes widening. Still staring at the book, Eren stammered, “L-Levi?”

“Yeah. What are you doing?”

“I...” Eren finally tore his gaze away from the book. “I was just flipping the pages. I didn’t… Sorry. For throwing it. I didn’t mean to do that. Couldn’t control it.”

Levi crossed the kitchen and picked the grammar book off of the floor. He examined it, but it didn’t seem any worse for the wear. Not that he would’ve really cared if something had happened to it. “It’s fine,” he told Eren. Eren immediately relaxed, slouching backwards in his chair. But as Levi turned the book over in his hands, a thought pushed itself to the forefront of his brain-- a thought that was both completely unbelievable and entirely too believable.

Levi  set the book down on the table and asked, “Do you remember the guy who lived here before me?”

Eren did that familiar, crooked head tilt. “Yes. I think his name was Rod? I didn’t like him. He was...” Eren trailed off, grimacing as he searched for the right word. “Foul.”

“Historia and Ymir told me a little bit about him. They seemed pretty creeped out.”

Eren nodded easily. “I’m not surprised. He felt awful.”

_ Felt. _ Levi remembered Eren’s crystal clear memories of Kennedy’s assassination, 9/11, the goddamn Kit Kat jingle. What had he said? That he picked up things from the tenants, the things that occupied their minds? “...What do you mean ‘he felt awful?’”

“He thought about them a lot. Especially Historia. He…  _ liked _ that she was so small, that she looked so young. He would--” But Eren cut himself off there, shaking his head until his hair fell all over his forehead. He repeated firmly, “He was foul. Rod lived here for nearly six years, but I preferred the place empty than with him in it. Tried to avoid him as much as I could.”

Levi didn’t really want to know the answer to his next question, but he had to asked. He took in a slow breath. Let it out slowly, calmly. “They told me he had a bad accident on the stairs. I don’t suppose you know anything about that?”

Eren blinked, his eyes coming in and out of view like a fish scales flashing beneath the water. Then he sat up, drawing his broad shoulders into a straight line. “You think I did something to Rod? I can’t even leave this apartment! How would I-- what, shove him down the stairs?”

“I wouldn’t really blame you if you did hurt him. It sounds like he deserved it.”  

“Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I didn’t,” Eren snapped. He glared at Levi, arms crossed over his chest in a weak imitation of a shield. “I haven’t hurt anybody. I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

Levi wanted to believe that. He really did. Eren rushed into things and definitely had a temper, but he also curious and thoughtful and eager to please. He made Levi coffee in the mornings, for fuck’s sake.

“...Levi?” Eren said. His voice was small. “You don’t think I’m dangerous, do you? You don’t think I’m going to hurt you?”

Levi looked at him. Really looked. His floppy hair was spilled across his forehead. His shirt was wrinkled beneath his vest. Levi noticed for the first time that there was a patch on the vest right above the left elbow. If Levi really concentrated, he could see what he thought was a shard of color resting in his irises. But then Eren would blink and it was gone.

Did he think Eren was going to hurt him? It was a very different question than  _ Is Eren dangerous?  _ Levi found it also had a very different answer.

“No,” he said. “You’re not going to hurt me.”

The worry on Eren’s face broke as a brilliant, shy smile emerged. The bird-like thing in Levi’s chest stirred again and for a short moment it blazed, so hot and alive that Levi felt as though someone had struck a match against his ribs.

But just as quickly as it burned into life, it was smothered and put out. Fast and easy, like a candle flame extinguished in a gust of wind. Even still, thin tendrils of smoke rose, weaving an ashy trail that smelled of arson.

Levi made himself look away from Eren's beaming face. Eren wouldn’t hurt him, but that didn’t mean Levi wasn’t in serious trouble. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a subplot I totally didn't originally plan for but couldn't resist occurs (it starts with a Mi- and ends with a -kasa)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang oh dang, it's been a long time since I last updated. I've been busy (and depressed, whoo...) but I was determined to update before the end of the month, so here we are. It's not my best work, but I'm posting anyway because I am ready to move on with my life.
> 
> Updates will likely continue to be slow because 1) I'm in the process of moving and 2) I'm about to begin pursuing physical transition. So! Yeah! Busy, busy, busy. But do not fear: updates may be slow, but the fic will not be abandoned.

More amazing fanart!!! [nayawata kindly drew Levi and a spooky transparent Eren.](http://nayawata.tumblr.com/post/143605500637/click-the-full-image-ereri-ghost-fic-by-zhedang) (Be sure to click full screen view!) Thank you so much!

Also, a reminder that you can follow me on [tumblr](http://zhedang.tumblr.com/) for daily AoT posting or on [twitter](https://twitter.com/zhe1dang3) for the most up-to-date information on why I am not posting.

* * *

 

The day was just barely creeping into the afternoon, but Levi was already exhausted. Two heavy conversations with Eren and eating out with the neighbors was his limit for social interaction. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for as long as his body would let him, but things still felt too fragile. He didn’t want Eren to feel brushed off so soon after their latest… well, it hadn’t been an argument. Their latest _discussion_.

Usually, his solution would’ve been to put on Netflix and pay just enough attention to follow the bare bones of the plot in case Eren wanted to talk about it later. But even just the effort of getting his laptop, going to Netflix, and picking something to watch was too much at the moment.

So instead, Levi flopped down on the couch and asked Eren to tell him about the other tenants. It was a topic that Eren could carry all on his own without much input from Levi. And besides, Levi was kind of curious. 

Eren took to the task with fervor. He settled down beside Levi and worked his way backwards. Before Levi was Rod, but Eren didn’t have much more to add about him besides what Levi had already heard. Before Rod, there was a college student. He relished in the freedom of getting out from under his parent’s roof, even as he panicked before every test. Eren was pretty sure he’d stayed for two years before graduating and moving away.

Before the student, there’d been an old woman who lived with four cats (two more than the apartment’s policy allowed, Levi noted dimly, though maybe the rules had been different then.) She always thought about pleasant things-- even when she stayed up late into the night missing her husband, the warm tenor of her thoughts never shifted. She’d been in the apartment for three years before dying peacefully during an afternoon nap. Eren had wondered if he might encounter her spirit when she passed, but no dice.

Before the old woman, the apartment housed a newlywed couple. Both halves worried endlessly that they’d made the wrong decision and both left as soon as their six-month lease was up.

Before the couple, a pregnant woman lived at the apartment alone. Stress plagued her endlessly, but when she returned from the hospital with her newborn, she seemed at least a little bit happier. The baby was sickly though and the woman’s faint happiness didn’t last long. She lived there for two years, leaving shortly after her baby went back into the hospital and didn’t return.

On and on it went, a long parade of tenants who’d had no idea that they were never alone in their most private preoccupations. According to Eren, none of these tenants could see or hear him in the slightest. When Levi asked him what was so different _now_ , Eren shrugged.

“Maybe it’s not me who’s different now,” Eren suggested. “Maybe you’re the one who’s different.”

Levi wasn’t sure he liked that idea. His entire life, he’d been marked by how different he was to everyone else. Too Arab to be white, too white to be Arab. Too Jewish to be Muslim, too Muslim to be Jewish. Definitely not one of the girls, but never really just one of the guys either. Healthy and functional enough to get by, and yet deeply and profoundly fucked up. He straddled so many boundaries, but belonged nowhere. No matter where he went, no matter which box he tried to fit himself in, he was always _different_.

“How do you get this stuff from people anyway?” Levi asked, deliberately steering the conversation in another direction. “Do hear it in your mind, or do you just _know_ , or what?”

Eren’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “I don’t… hear it, not exactly. I sort of… Well. Don’t freak out, okay?”

“Okay?”

Eren twisted his hands together in his lap, fingers working themselves into loose knots. “I can kind of look into people. Look into them and see… I guess it must be their soul.”

Somehow, this didn’t surprise Levi in the least. Perhaps it should’ve. Despite his familial claims to two  religions and the odd dual spiritual upbringing he’d had, he’d never really believed in any kind of afterlife. A year ago, he’d been certain that there was no such thing as a soul.

But that was all before Eren. Eren’s existence didn’t necessarily prove that any kind of religious afterlife was real, but it did prove that there was at least the possibility of some sort of _after_. Some part of Eren had to still be around. It certainly wasn’t his body and his mind seemed unlikely. So why not his soul? And if Eren had a soul, then surely so did everyone else.

Eren watched Levi uneasily, waiting for some kind of reaction-- though Levi had no idea what. Finally, Levi raised one eyebrow. Eren rushed to explain, “I don’t want you to think I’m reading your mind or something. It’s not like that.”

“What’s it like then?”

“It’s really... general. I can only pick out specific things if the person is really consumed with it. And usually, I can’t even look too much. Souls are like...” Eren trailed off, brow furrowing as he struggled for an adequate analogy. “They are kind of like the sun,” he decided. “You can see the sun, but you can’t really look at it without hurting yourself.”

His own soul must be pretty damn dim then, Levi thought, because Eren looked right into him all the time. Maybe his was weak because he felt so little, _lived_ so little. If other people had souls like the sun, then Levi’s had to be a gaping black hole. It made him feel like a melodramatic middle schooler to think so, but how else could it be?

Levi cleared his throat. He did not look at where Eren sat beside him, instead addressing the cardboard boxes that still filled the room. “What do you get from me then?”

Eren shifted his weight, fingers twitching even as they clung to one another. From the corner of Levi’s eye, he saw Eren turn to look at him and then look away just as quickly. “You’re… you’re lonely.”

Levi snorted. It was the sort of thing any five-dollar physic glittering with costume jewelry would divine after asking him just a few question. _Do you live alone?_ Yes. _Where do you work?_ At home. _Are you seeing anyone one?_ No. Nobody needed special powers to guess that Levi was probably lonely as fuck.

“Listen,” Eren said. He let loose one of his hands and reached towards Levi’s knee. Levi shuddered as that dry water sensation slipped through him. Eren snatched his hand back, muttering an apology. His fingers ran through his own hair instead. “What I mean is… a lot of people who lived here were lonely. But you… your loneliness is strange. It’s…” He trailed off, sighing in frustration. “I don’t know how to explain it. ”

There was that tiny fragment of color in Eren’s eyes again. It gleamed and sparkled in the midst of his otherwise washed out features. But no matter how long Levi dared to stare, he couldn’t quite determine the hue. He couldn’t quite--

Eren met his gaze, the shard of color glistening. “I think that might be why you can see me.”

Levi turned away. A bitter taste almost like blood filled his mouth as he laughed once, sharp and short. “What, so you can keep  me company? Because I’m so fucking lonely that even ghosts feel sorry for me?”

Eren didn’t respond to the bite behind Levi’s words. Instead, his head tilted in that familiar, uncanny way. He looked right into Levi and his lips lifted into a soft smile. “No,” he said. “Because we’re the same. More than anything, I’m lonely too.”

=====

Erwin texted him late that night.

Levi had gotten his second (third?) wind and managed the energy to set up Netflix, so he was seated with Eren on the couch. They sat so close that if Eren had been flesh, blood, and bone, his leg would’ve been pressed along Levi’s in one solid line. As it was, Levi kept getting that unsettling, not-quite-water sensation. It was far from comfortable, but he didn't want to hear Eren apologize again. So Levi stayed where he was-- at least until his phone buzzed on the window sill.

Levi stretched out one arm to grab at his phone, yanking the charger cord out of it to bring it near him. He thumbed through to the most recent text, thinking it to be one of Erwin’s usual good night messages.

But instead it said, _“I found the info you wanted. Too much for text, check your email.”_

“What is it?” Eren asked, noting Levi’s sudden stiffness. He glanced down and saw how close their legs were and began to scoot away. 

“Nothing,” Levi replied automatically, raising one hand to stop him. “Just… just something for work.”

Eren nodded, already turning back to face the laptop screen. Levi stared at the text for a long moment, then checked to make sure Eren was focused on the movie. He was, but Levi still tilted his phone screen so that Eren wouldn’t be able to see it before opening his personal email.

Sure enough, there was an email from Erwin sitting at the very top. Levi tapped it and was immediately slammed with a giant wall of text. He withheld a groan-- Erwin was always so _thorough_ \-- and began scanning the lines for the details he really wanted.

He found them. Armin Arlert-- dead, years ago, passing away peacefully after a long career in academia. And Mikasa Ackerman--

No date of death. In its place, there was an address.

=====

The next day, Levi told Eren that he was going to the bookstore and he didn’t know how long he’d be gone. He would actually go to the bookstore, but it was second on his list of things to do.

First, he went to the nursing home.

He hadn’t quite believed it when he first saw the street name, the city, the goddamn zip code, but the short drive confirmed it: all this time, Mikasa had been just five miles away. Well, not all this time. If what Erwin had dug up was correct, she’d moved into the home just a few years ago. But from what Eren had told him about Mikasa, he could easily believe that she’d never left the city. That she’d always stayed close to the place where Eren had died.

Levi had called the home earlier, slipping out into the hallway where Eren wouldn’t overhear, and confirmed the visiting hours listed on their website. No appointment was necessary, but he still had to fill out a short visitor’s form at the front desk.

The receptionist glanced over his form when he handed it back and very visibly stilled. “Ackerman? I didn’t realize Ms. Ackerman had any family in the area.”

“I moved here recently,” Levi said, the words slipping out before realizing what he’d implied.

“Well, it’s certainly kind of you to visit,” the reception said. “She’s a sweet dear, but she doesn’t get many visitors. Are you her grandson?”

“No, she’s my, uh… great aunt?” It emerged more like a question than anything else, so Levi hurried to add, “It’s complicated.”

Fortunately, the reception didn’t seem to care who exactly he was; he was a visitor and that was all that mattered. She handed him a temporary badge to stick on his shirt and then directed him to Mikasa’s room.

Levi walked down the halls uneasily, nodding politely to the staff members and residents he passed. The place smelled a bit like a hospital, enough to put him on edge. When he found the door marked with M. ACKERMAN, he rapped his knuckles against it softly, then more loudly when there was no answer. Finally, she called for him to come in.

The room was brimming with potted plants.  The pots lined the window sill and the floorboards, creating a border around the entire room. Some were flowers, some were herbs, some were heavy with berries or peppers or little tomatoes. It smelled like soil and, inexplicably, sunshine. In the middle of all the leaves and stems was a wizened old woman tending to the plants with a small plastic watering pail. She was turned away from him, so all he could see was the hunched curve of her shoulders and her white hair twisted into a short braid at the base of her neck.

“Hello,” Levi said, announcing himself. She didn’t turn around him. “Are you Mikasa Ackerman?”

“Last time I checked,” she said, still pouring out water. Mikasa shuffled a step over, moving on to the next pot.

“My name is Levi Ackerman.” He waited, but this garnered no reaction. So he tried, “I’m your great-nephew.”

“Don’t have one,” she grunted, but she finally turned to look at him. Her face was lined deeply with wrinkles, her cheeks hollowed out. But her eyes were bright and sharp as they flicked over him. “Look a bit like Clark though. You one of his grandkids?”

“I don’t know,” Levi admitted. “My mother’s name was Kuchel Ackerman. She died when I was young, never spoke about her family much.”

“I don’t know a Kuchel. But then, I never knew much about the Ackermans either. Sorry, kid.”

 “That’s fine,” Levi told her. He’d long ago reconciled himself with the knowledge that he’d never really know that branch of his family-- hadn’t really cared to get to know them anyway, based on what little information his mother had let slip. “I’m actually here to see you for a different reason.”

Mikasa looked him over again with her sharp eyes, then nodded. She put the pail away and crossed the room to a lumpy armchair. Levi watched as she lowered herself into it slowly, stiffly.  She seemed to be in good condition for her age, but she was still over one hundred years old. It struck Levi suddenly, as he dragged over a chair for himself, that Eren was supposed to be like this. If he was twenty-four when he died in the late 1930s, then he must’ve been born in-- what, 1914, 1915? And yet, to Levi’s eyes, he appeared half a decade younger than himself, barely any older than Ymir and Historia.

“You looked troubled,” Mikasa said. “Sit down, my neck is too sore to be craning.”

Levi sat, wondering where to begin. After a few moments of silence, Mikasa murmured, “If you’re not gonna talk, I’m going to sleep. I’m overdue for my afternoon nap.”

“Sorry,” he muttered, sighing. “It’s just-- it’s a bit strange.” She raised an eyebrow expectantly, so Levi just forged ahead. What did it matter if she wound up thinking he was off his rocker anyway? “When you were younger, were you friends with a man named Eren Yeager?”

“Eren?” Mikasa repeated. As her lips shaped the syllables, her eyes became wide and bright. “Eren. Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in… years, to say the least.”

“So you  did know him.”

“Knew him? He was my family. Me and Eren and Armin. When I was growing up, those boys were--” She broke off, her voice cracking. “Those boys were all I had in the world.”

Levi nodded. “You grew up together in a group home run by the Catholic church. Eren and Armin were already there when you arrived one winter. You were nine, they were eight. You didn’t have any warm clothes, so Eren gave you his scarf and Armin gave you his mittens.”

Mikasa's eyes went wider, her mouth spread open now with a question on the tip of her tongue. Levi waited, but she said nothing so he went on. “When Eren and Armin were twelve, they both got sick. First Armin, then Eren. They were both bedridden with terrible fevers and you weren’t allowed to see them. Armin was all better after two weeks, but Eren--”

“--Where did you hear all this?” Mikasa demanded. Her small hands were fisted atop the chair’s arms, veins protruding from her dry skin. “Why did you come here?”

Levi filled his lungs with a deep breath, then leaned forward in his seat. Carefully, he held her gaze and said, “Eren told me.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which there are answers and then there are no easy answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's been a while. Just a short chapter while I try to get back into the swing of this fic. More on its way later this month hopefully.

It took some convincing.

First, Mikasa. Saying she didn’t believe him was putting it mildly. She cursed him in inventive turns of phrase and threatened to boot him from her room for trying to trick an old lady. “I don’t know what you’re playing at, boy,” she boomed. “But don’t you dare think I won’t lay you out flat right here.”

Levi believed her. With her hunched back, Mikasa wasn’t much taller than him. Her bones seemed spindly under her thin skin and she coughed so loudly after her pronouncement that Levi was surprised a staff member didn’t butt in to check on her. But he believed her. Mikasa had fire in her eyes and steel in her limbs. Not to mention he’d heard all of Eren’s stories about her. She would lay him out flat.

“I’m not bullshitting you,” Levi insisted, raising his voice to be heard over her coughs. “A while ago, I moved into this apartment and-- well, Eren was there. His ghost, anyway.”

“There’s no such thing,” Mikasa said. Her face was flushed red from her anger, the coughing, or both.

“I would’ve said the same thing a few month ago,” Levi admitted. And then, while she was still listening, he told her everything. The first, creepy signs of Eren, his eerie appearance, and the way he seemed determined to be Levi’s friend. And his stories-- everything he’d ever mentioned to Levi about his life before his death. Armin’s love for old books and the tiny hoard that he treasured. Mikasa cutting her hair short and layering her clothes so she could get work down by the docks. Eren’s childhood feud with a horse-faced boy named Jean, which dragged on for years and only ended because Jean pulled some strings and got Eren hired as a projectionist at his uncle’s movie theater. Levi went on and on until eventually Mikasa sat down again and just stared. And stared.

“He really told you that?” she asked, her voice a rasp. “He’s really--?”

“Yeah.”

And so began the second phase of convincing: getting the nursing home staff to let Levi take Mikasa back with him. Fortunately, Levi’s services were not required much for this part. Mikasa did most of the work, arguing with two different nurses and a doctor while they hemmed and hawed about her health, where she was going, and who exactly was this Levi? 

Eventually, Mikasa demanded to know whether she was being held prisoner and they were forced to admit that no, she was allowed to leave any time. Levi quietly pointed out that he had a car so Mikasa wouldn't be subjected to the strain of public transport. Finally, they let Levi sign Mikasa out-- but only after securing a promise from him that he would bring her back in one piece before the sun set. So, Levi carefully helped Mikasa get ready to go, carefully drove the five miles to his building, and carefully led her inside, up the elevator, and down to his door. Mikasa accepted his assistance with grace, though she occasionally seemed to just be humoring him.

But when Eren locked eyes on Mikasa and crossed the room in a blink to stand before her-- tall and pale, his colorless eyes blown wide-- Levi felt the old woman’s knees buckle. She might've fallen to the floor if Levi hadn't locked his arm around her back. Eren stuttered apologies and Levi took Mikasa to his couch to sit down and collect herself. 

Once she got over the shock, Mikasa and Eren just gazed at one another, mouths hanging open ever so slightly. Eren looked like he might have been crying if he was capable of it. Mikasa was, tears budding at the corners of her eyes and streaking down her dry cheeks.

“Oh, Eren,” she said. “What has happened to you?”

=====

Levi left them alone. It made him a bit nervous, what with all of the nursing home’s admonishments, but Mikasa insisted that she’d be fine and, well, she was a grown woman. More than grown. Besides, it was just an hour. He figured they could use the privacy for their reunion.

And Levi didn’t want to be a witness to it. Just thinking about it made his hands twitchy, made him want to dig his phone from his pocket and call Erwin to tell him-- what, exactly? Levi didn’t know, but he suspected the answer was everything.

So he went to the bookstore just two blocks away to get the books he’d promised Eren a couple days ago. The Harry Potter books were easy enough. Levi found the first three and stacked them in his arms. The recent history book and LGBT book were a little harder. Levi found the history nonfiction aisle and stared at the rows and rows of paperbacks, hardbacks, actual school textbooks. It occurred to him that he should ask for help. He didn’t even know where to begin to look for LBGT books. Was that social studies? Psychology? In here, with the history books?

Levi let his eyes wander over the hundreds of spines, barely registering the titles. He couldn’t get what Mikasa said out of his head. The words, the tone, the tears shining like daggers. 

_ What has happened to you? _

Erwin had said the same thing when he came for Levi in the hospital. Not after the beating-- it was pretty plain what happened then. But after the car accident. Middle of the day, driving down an empty highway, drifting off the road and into a tree at nearly 70 miles per hour. No alcohol or drugs in his system, no preexisting condition like epilepsy or diabetes to explain the lapse of control away. Except the depression and Erwin knew about that.

It took weeks to convince Erwin that it hadn’t be on purpose. That was the truth. Levi had just-- fallen asleep. Or maybe passed out would be more accurate. Erwin might’ve torn this excuse to bits if the hospital record and his own observations hadn’t backed it up. Levi was underweight, dehydrated, sleep deprived. He shouldn’t have been driving alone. 

But it wasn’t on purpose.

All that was after though. Before all that, when Levi first woke up after surgery and found Erwin at his bedside-- wearing the same clothes from the day before, his hair disheveled and his jaw in need of a shave--Erwin just asked, “What has happened to you?”

Erwin didn’t cry, but Levi still couldn’t look in him the eye. He hadn’t known what to say, then or later. Except “It’s not your fault,” which Erwin didn’t listen to anyway. Maybe because he knew-- either subconsciously or just with a small twinge of suspicion-- that it was something like a lie. But that wasn’t fair of Levi. It really wasn’t Erwin’s fault. He couldn’t help how he felt. Neither of them could.

=====

It took a little longer than an hour to finally make all his purchases and walk back to the apartment building, but Mikasa looked no worse for it. The tears had stopped, at least. Levi stood aside, awkward, as the two old friends made their goodbyes.

“I can bring you again,” Levi told Mikasa when they were in his car. “I work from home. My hours are pretty flexible.”

“I would like that,” Mikasa said. Her head rested gently against the passenger window, face still a bit puffy from the crying. She sighed. “All these years… and he’s been in the damn place he died the entire time.” Mikasa turned, shifting stiffly in her seat. “We only stayed there for maybe a week, you know. The winter was really bad that year and Eren kept getting sicker. Jean, the boy who was sweet on me, his uncle owned the apartment building. He snuck us in there so we’d be out of the cold, at least until the worst of the season was past. Eren was too sick to work, so he was there alone when… the fire.”

“What happened?” Levi asked. “It wasn’t arson, was it?”

Mikasa shook her head. “Nothing like that at all. One of the other tenants, apparently they started a fire to warm up their room more and it just got out of hand. Most everybody made it out of the building all right, but not Eren.” 

Mikasa paused long enough that Levi turned away from the traffic to check on her. She was staring straight ahead, wrinkled fingers wrapped tight around her seatbelt, knuckles white.

“Are you all right?”

“I always thought it was the worst possible thing that could’ve happened to him,” she said. Her voice cracked in the middle, the words wet. “There was nothing Eren hated more than being alone. First his parents and-- after what the polio did to his legs, he always worried about being left behind, about me and Armin moving on with our lives without him. To die alone like that-- I don’t think there could’ve been any worse death for him. And then to spend so many years up there all alone even after--”

She began crying again, the tears wringing out from her lined eyes. Levi looked away politely, focusing on driving as she wiped her face. “I’ll keep him company,” he told her. “And you can too since you can see him like me.”

He didn’t know if she heard him. She didn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride.

=====

Eren was in an odd mood when Levi returned to the apartment. Melancholy and maybe thoughtful, but not exactly sad. Levi watched as he flicked through the history book Levi had bought him, his pale eyes narrowing as each page slowly turned. He didn’t seem like he wanted to talk, so Levi left him to his thoughts. 

Instead, Levi collapsed on his couch, opened Netflix on his laptop, and started watching the first happy-looking movie he saw. Eventually, Eren drifted over. He sat beside Levi, close enough that he’d be leaning against him if he had a solid form.

“You okay?” Levi asked after a few more moments of silence.  

“She’s lived an entire life,” Eren said. “She’s so old now.” He paused, perhaps waiting for Levi to respond. When he didn’t, Eren went on. “I should be that old. Or dead, like Armin. It never should’ve happened like this.”

Levi’s mouth suddenly felt dry. Something deep in his chest crumbled. He made himself swallow. “...Maybe not. Maybe it happened this way because it was supposed to. There has to be a reason you’re like this.”

Eren peered at him, that unflinching, soul-deep stare. Levi did his best to return it, gazed straight ahead until all he could see was his milky reflection in Eren’s eyes.

For once, Eren was the first to blink, He looked away, down at the cartoon playing across the computer screen.. “Maybe,” Eren said. “But I don’t know what the reason could be.”

=====

The nursing home called in the morning.

“I didn’t-- she seemed fine when I left her,” Levi told the woman on the other end, pushing himself up from his pillow. 

“Oh, honey, no one is blaming you. She passed away in her sleep-- not unusual at her age,” the nurse said. “I was with her just before she went to bed and she seemed real peaceful. She was probably just ready to go. I’m just giving you a call to let you know, in case you want to come to the funeral.”

They talked briefly about the arrangements. Mikasa had the entire thing planned out it seemed, but Levi could only half-listen to the details. The rest of his mind was filled with roaring, like a train hurtling down its tracks. By the time Levi got off the phone with the nurse, he could feel the train rumbling in his bones.

He laid back down in bed. Closed his eyes. Breathed.

When he opened his eyes again, Eren was perched on his nightstand.

“Sorry to barge in here, but you weren’t answering me,” he said. “Are you okay? Did something happened?”

Levi just stared at him, wondering how to break the news. And kept staring. Slowly, Levi sat up and leaned forward until his face was scarcely a foot from Eren’s. It had to be a trick of the light or-- hell, maybe Levi was dreaming.

But then Eren frowned. “What? What is it?” He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes-- his brilliant, shining, vibrant eyes.

“...Your eyes,” Levi said. “They’re gold.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which life goes on after death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short one, but heyyyy this one came pretty fast, amiright?
> 
> A great deal of this was written while I anxiously refreshed the election results page every five minutes. As a near-lifelong Floridian, I apologize for the struggle and strife my state has caused the nation.
> 
> This entire election has been very stressful for me. As a transgender American living in a time when trans issues are getting more attention than ever before, the idea of a Trump/Pence White House makes me very concerned about my near future. Hopefully, by the time most of you are reading this, we will be looking forward to a Clinton presidency instead. (And while I'm in the business of wishes, I'd love a Democratic-controlled Senate as well.)

Levi had a special policy about funerals: he didn’t attend them. Not for Erwin’s mother, or for the guy he used to hang with who ODed, or for the coworker who whittled away from cancer. Not even for his _bibi_ \-- he couldn’t bring himself to leave the house for weeks after she passed. The one and only funeral he’d ever attended was for his mother. He’d been a little kid and didn’t have much say in the matter.  It was a mistake.

But Eren was tied to the apartment, so Levi went to Mikasa’s funeral in his place.

There was no memorial service. According to the notes Mikasa left behind about her final wishes, she found them sappy. Instead, they all went straight to the cemetery. It was relatively small, tucked in the heart of downtown. Many of the tombstones were weathered, their engravings near erased by the hands of time. Some death dates caught Levi’s eye as he walked along the rows. 1882. 1913. 1901. 1934.

Levi tried not to picture what bodies must look like after so long in the ground. Embalming and burial had always creeped him out. Mikasa seemed to agree. She’d asked to be cremated.

Levi didn’t recognize anybody at the ceremony, not that he’d expected to. There was one older, blond man who looked like he might be Armin’s son, based on the pictures of Armin Erwin had sent in his email. He thought about approaching the man and asking him, but couldn’t figure where he wanted the conversation to go. Express his condolences? Ask him questions about Armin? Tell him about Eren.

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t talk to anyone there. He just watched and listened so he’d be able to tell Eren everything later-- if he wanted to know.

Not many people came. Levi expected that, since the nursing home staff mentioned she didn’t have much family. Most of the people there were elderly, friends of Mikasa’s from over the years. There was no priest or anyone like that. The funeral director acted as a sort of host, but most of the talking was done by the attendees. One after another, they stood up and shared something short. How good Mikasa was at cards. How Mikasa once climbed up a tree to bring a little boy down. How well she grew her plants. How tirelessly she worked, even long after most people would’ve retired. How loved she was.

Levi couldn’t help but wonder whether anyone would manage to think of something nice to say about him at his funeral.

When the talking was done, the small box containing Mikasa’s ashes was placed into a little compartment in the columbarium. As everyone else began lining for one last look, Levi slipped away.

=====

Mike called him on the drive back to the apartment. Levi answered the phone with a too sharp, “What is it?”

“Whoa, little man, where’s the fire? I know you want to be left alone, but--”

“No, sorry, you’re fine.” Levi loosened his grip on the steering wheel before his hand cramped. “Now just isn’t a good time.” He wasn’t about to explain that he just came from a funeral because that would blow open a huge can of worms he didn’t want to deal with.

“Should I call back?” Mike asked. And, damn him, he was always so fucking understanding.

Levi sighed. “I answered the phone, didn’t I? So--” He paused, tried to relax. “Hi, hello, what is it?”

He could hear the grin in Mike’s voice, could practically see that goofy smile of his. “I really miss you, you know that?”

For the life of him, Levi couldn’t imagine why. He changed the subject. “What’s been going on with you?” he asked and listened as Mike regaled with tales about the dogs from work and a story about Erwin waking up extra early and accidently brushing his teeth with hair gel. His anecdotes took Levi all the way through his commute and Mike was still going on long after Levi parked outside the apartment building and killed his engine.

The chattiness really was weird for Mike. This time though, it didn’t feel like a ploy to keep Levi on the phone longer. It felt more like Mike really did miss him.

A horn blaring startled Levi out of his thoughts and interrupted Mike mid-story. “Was that a train? That was loud!”

“Yeah, it’s always like that. My place isn’t far from the tracks.”

Mike laughed. “I’m surprised you moved there. You were always complaining about the trains back home.

It was stupid-- just a throwaway comment, Mike didn’t know anything, he couldn’t-- but it still sent Levi’s heart racing. “Yeah, well,” he muttered. “Hey, I just pulled up to my building and I gotta get back to work, so--”

“--Actually, I did have a reason for calling you,” Mike said. “I wanted to warn you: Erwin’s plotting.”

Levi stopped in the middle of unbuckling his seatbelt. “Erwin’s always plotting.”

“Yeah, and right now he’s plotting to make a trip out your way. I caught him looking at airline tickets.”

Of course. Levi massaged his temple. “I don’t suppose you know a way I could stop him?”

“Probably not. He’s worried. And you know how he gets when he obsesses over something.” Mike paused. Levi heard a noise that he knew to be Mike scratching at his chin. “I think I convinced him that he can’t just show up unannounced though.”

“Thanks,” Levi sighed. Knowing Erwin, the best he could hope for was some advance warning.

“I’ll try to stall him as long as I can. Unless-- you really are fine, right? Or fine enough?”

“I’m fine enough, yeah.” Levi finally unbuckled his seatbelt and popped his car door open, ready to make his escape.

“Okay. I’ll see what I can do then. But Levi?”

Levi stopped again. “What?”

Mike hesitated, weighing his words. “...I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

A surprised chuckle slipped out of Levi. “Me too,” Levi said before he could think about it. And as he hung up and began the climb to his floor, he was a bit surprised to realize that it wasn’t a lie. 

=====

Ymir caught him coming down the hallway and pressed a stiff envelope into his hand. “Hey, man. Save the date and all that.”

Levi looked down at the card in his hand and frowned up at her. “What?”

“Well, I tried to find you on Facebook, but apparently you’re a ghost. So there’s your invitation. Feel honored. We only ordered a dozen of those; the rest are going to Historia’s family.”

Still frowning, Levi slipped the card out of its envelope. It was one of those fancy invitations companies charged out of the nose for, with little gold foil stickers and fancy typography. The information was for Historia’s impending graduation, with Ymir’s details squeezed into the margins in surprisingly neat handwriting.

“...I’m invited to your graduation party?”

“Uh, obviously?” Ymir fiddled with her snapback, centering its brim on her forehead. “You don’t have to come, but it seemed kinda rude to have it right next door and not invite you.”

“This says you’re having it at some hotel conference room though.”

“That’s the upscale reception for Historia’s fussy family.” Ymir snatched the card from Levi’s hand, flipped it over, and returned it. “I wrote about the party for our friends and cool relatives on the back.”

Sure enough, more of Ymir’s neat handwriting detailed the party with what seemed like an excessive amount of exclamation marks. The date was about a month away.

“...Thanks,” Levi said, since that seemed appropriate. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it though.” He didn’t know what condition he’d be in three days from now, never mind a month.

“No worries, seriously. Annnd now that that’s taken care of, I’ve got to get to class.” Ymir saluted him and continued down the hall.

Levi watched her go. He carefully tucked the invitation back into its envelope. Finally, he faced his door, took a deep breath, and went inside.

Eren was nowhere to be seen. That was no surprise. Ever since the morning his eyes went from nothing to gold, Eren had been kind of scarce. Maybe he was trying to dodge Levi’s questions-- he insisted he didn’t know why his eyes changed, but the way he averted his gaze made Levi suspect that he was holding something back. More likely, he was sad about Mikasa and trying to cope in his own way. He pretty much shut down when Levi told him the news, withdrawing into himself. Whatever the reason, Levi hadn’t seen much of Eren the last couple of days-- and when he did see him, Eren was quiet, subdued.

It should’ve been a relief, but for some reason Eren’s absence registered with Levi more as… disappointment.

Levi looked around the silent apartment, still teeming with his unpacked boxes, and the weight of the day slowly sank onto his shoulders. A funeral, bad news from Mike, a party invitation-- the last few hours had been more action-packed than Levi’s average week. It drained him.

He tossed the invitation onto the mail pile on his coffee table and collapsed onto his couch. He’d taken the entire day off for the funeral, but now Levi found himself wishing that he’d made it a half-day so he’d have some work to distract himself with. For a short moment, he considered the cardboard boxes spotting his floor. If Erwin and Mike were coming soon, he’d have to deal with the boxes eventually.  But now that he was sitting down, Levi found that he didn’t have the energy to get back up.

Reaching one arm out, he dragged his laptop across the living table and went to Netflix. It was still the most reliable way of summoning Eren. He put on the first TV show that appeared in the recommendations section, then stretched out and laid his head against the nearest couch pillow to settle in.

Tired as he was, it didn’t take long to fall asleep. 

=====

Levi woke in increments. First, he realized that the sharp pain in his neck meant he definitely wasn’t dreaming. Next, he cracked his eyes open and was near blinded by the glowing screen of his laptop. Netflix wanted to know if he was still there. Finally, he heard his name and craned his sore neck to find Eren hovering over him.

“Levi,” Eren said again. “It’s late. You should eat dinner. You didn’t eat before leaving, remember?”

Levi blinked. He scrubbed at his eyes-- maybe he was still dreaming after all. But he could feel the indentations on his cheeks from the pillow’s rough fabric, could taste the dull flavor of a long sleep in his mouth. Eren watched him from his perch on the couch’s arm, a small, concerned frown tarnishing his handsome face. Finally, Levi couldn’t take it anymore.

“Eren,” he said.

“What?”

“You’re solid.”

Alarmed, Eren looked down at himself, taking in what Levi had already seen. Levi just kept staring. Eren’s skin was a light shade of brown, his hair darker and thicker than Levi had originally guessed. Levi always imagined that the shirt beneath Eren’s vest was white, but it was really more of a light tan. He could actually see the navy needlework securing a patch to the front of Eren’s vest, could spot the nearly washed out stains on his trousers.

And his eyes-- not just the startling gold Levi had seen before, but a yellow as unblemished and radiant as the sun.

Levi took in the whole of Eren for the very first time and realized the man had been warmer and more beautiful in life than he had ever allowed himself to imagine. Suddenly, amazingly, he almost felt like crying.

Eren looked up from examining his hands, meeting Levi’s gaze with an expression of open wonder lighting him from the inside out. They stared at one another, momentarily rendered silent. Then, with a visible gulp, Eren reached towards Levi’s face.

Levi held still, watching Eren’s hand approach with his heart rattling away in his ribs. He didn’t breathe until Eren’s touch passed right through him. Levi shivered. Eren’s expression fell and he pulled his hand back with a frustrated sigh.

“Not so solid after all,” he muttered.

“But-- you _look_ \--” Levi held up the scratchy couch pillow that'd been buried beneath his head just moments before. “What about this?”

Lips pressed thin in concentration, Eren reached for the pillow. His hand passed through it just as easily as it had for Levi. Eren shook his head. “Not solid. It's the same as before.”

“Do you think other people could see you? I mean, besides me and--” Levi let the sentence drop.

Eren shrugged, not seemingly nearly as excited by the prospect as Levi had thought he'd be.

“Wait, more importantly, how did this even happen?” Levi demanded.

“I don't know,” Eren said. “I didn't even notice anything was different until you said something.” He pressed one of his hands to his own chest, staring down at it. Then he blinked and looked up at Levi again. “You need to eat something for dinner,” he reminded him.

Levi's stomach rumbled in agreement, so he pushed himself off the couch and stumbled towards the kitchen. Eren followed, popping into place on the counter beside the refrigerator as Levi stuck his head inside and examined his rather uninspiring options.

“Levi?” Eren asked.

“Hm?”

“Do you think… could you tell me about the funeral?”

Levi closed the fridge door and took in Eren’s drawn face, still not used to all the color. All the life. The difference was astounding. He thought he had a clear picture of Eren before, but now he knew that had been little more than lines, shapes. Now, he could see the sadness dragging down Eren’s brow, the resignation pressing his lips tight, the loneliness clouding his eyes with almost-tears that would never be.

“Yeah,” Levi said. “Yeah, of course. Anything you want to hear.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everyone's favorite professor returns and things get rather derailed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear folks, let's not even discuss the despicable thing that occurred in the wee early morning hours of November 9th. Let's just shut out the world for a few minutes and enjoy some queer ass fanfiction. We can fight when we're ready.

“I think you should call that Hange person.”

Levi peered at Eren over his mug of morning coffee. “What?”

“It’s been awhile since they came by, hasn’t it?” Eren said. “They said they’d be back in touch, right? You should call them.”

From his perch on the kitchen table, Eren swung his legs back and forth like a little kid. His face was earnest. Levi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“And why exactly,” he asked, “do you think I should be talking to them? You were pissed when they came before!”

Eren’s eager expression faltered and Levi mentally kicked himself. It was just barely a week since Mikasa’s funeral and Eren had only just started to act a little like his old self again the day before. He’d actually been in a good mood when Levi woke up this morning and Levi had already gone and ruined that.

“I just…” Eren said, fingers twisting in his lap. He frowned. “Well, maybe Hange will know why I look different now? Or-- they must be sensitive to ghosts if they are studying them, so maybe they’ll be able to see me? I could help them with their research.”

Levi’s instinct was to say no. The fewer people he had involved in his business, the better. And based on his first and only meeting with the professor so far, they were the type who would eventually stick their nose too far in. He needed to keep his exposure to Dr. Hange as minimal as possible.

Not to mention-- and Levi was all too aware that this ran completely counter to his need to be left alone-- Dr. Hange might decide that Eren needed to be exorcised. Levi… didn’t want that.

But Eren was staring at him with his big, gold eyes and it was so much harder to say no to him like this, when he looked so close to living.

“Fine,” Levi grumbled. He slurped down his coffee. “But it’s gonna have to be an email since I don’t think I have their number.”

But when Levi signed into his personal email, he was greeted with half a dozen emails from the professor, dating from two weeks ago to just yesterday. Wary, Levi skimmed them. He didn’t understand most of it-- too much jargon-- and he couldn’t tell if the tone was excited or frantic. But Dr. Hange had signed off the last two messages with their phone number and CALL ME!!! screaming off the screen. 

So Levi did just that. Dr. Hange answered the phone with a voice that Levi thought was far too groggy for nine o’ clock on a Wednesday morning, but they shot into overdrive once Levi identified himself.

“Levi! Dude!” the professor near-shouted. “I’ve been trying to reach you!”

“I notic--”

“I should’ve just gone straight to your place, but I’ve been so bogged down with work. I could come now though! I can be there in about--” There was an unidentifiable crashing sound on the other end of the line.  

“...Are you okay?” Levi asked.

“I can be there in an hour! Is that all right?”

Levi told them that was fine and to please be careful. When he hung up, Eren-- who’d evidently heard the whole thing-- asked, “Are you sure that person is really a professor?”

Fifty-three minutes later, Dr. Zoe Hange, professor of physics, was kicking at Levi’s door. Levi let them and their armload of equipment inside. They dumped the gadgets atop the same cardboard box they’ve used before. If Hange found it weird that he still hadn’t unpacked, they didn’t comment upon it. They were far too busy talking rapid-fire in technobabble that Levi couldn’t make heads or tails of.

Eren stood unseen right in front of the professor, his arms crossed over his chest. He eyed them up and down as they talked, then turned to Levi. “Are you sure this person is…sane?”

Levi shot him a warning look, but it wasn’t like Dr. Hange heard. Finally, Levi held his hands up to them. “Please, slow down. And use smaller words, I don’t understand anything you’re saying.”

Dr. Hange blew out a puff of air and shook their unkempt hair out of their face. It look like they’d straight rolled out of bed the moment Levi called. Straightening their crooked glasses, Dr. Hange started over.  “I’ve been reviewing the data I gathered when I last visited you. There’s a lot of variance-- some spiking in the readings and what not-- but overall they’re some of the strongest readings I’ve ever recorded.”

“So that’s… good, right?”

“Good for me, sure, and good for the ghost too, I expect,” they said, nodding vigorously. Their hair fell back in front of their face. “I don’t want to alarm you or anything, not until I know more, but you’ve definitely got strong one in here. Has there been any change in its behavior?” In one quick moment, Dr. Hange retrieved their tiny spiral notebook from their breast pocket and flipped it open, pencil poised over the paper.

Eren vanished and reappeared standing beside Levi. “What do they mean about alarming you?” he asked.

“Not really,” Levi said in response to Dr. Hange’s question. The professor furiously jotted down what looked like an entire paragraph.

“Not really?” Eren echoed. “What are you doing? Tell them the truth!”

With Dr. Hange busy writing, Levi glared at Eren. But he compromised. “The presence has maybe felt kind of… stronger? Clearer?”

“Hmm. Well, it’s probably good that there hasn’t been an escalation since escalations are rarely good, but it is kind of weird. 'Course, everything about this is weird, isn't it?” Dr. Hange paused their scribbling long enough to scratch at their head with the eraser end of the pencil. They looked up at Levi. “I’m going to take some more recordings, if that’s all right with you.”

Levi waved his hand for them to go ahead and Hange got right to work. Beside Levi, Eren buzzed with frustration.

“Just tell them everything!” he said. “They’ll believe you.”

Levi checked that Dr. Hange was fully preoccupied before muttering back, “We’ll see what they say about the new recordings. If the recordings are stronger, maybe it’s just that you’re getting stronger.”

“But why--”

“Did you say something?” Dr. Hange asked, looking up from the instrument in their hands.

“No,” Levi said. He turned his back on Eren so the ghost would stop talking to him. 

Eren huffed. In a blink, he was beside Dr. Hange, waving his arms at the professor and shouting at them. “Hello! I am right here! Look at me!”

Dr. Hange’s device made a weird whirring noise and they quickly wrote something down, but otherwise they didn’t notice Eren at all. Eren persisted though, cajoling and screaming as Dr. Hange wandered the apartment. Levi sat on his couch and resisted the urge to cover his ears.

Finally, Dr. Hange began packing away their things. “I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back to you with a proper analysis-- so many exams and papers to grade, you don't even want to know. But if it works out on your end, I’d like to stop by again and get another set of readings. The more reference points I have, the better.”

“That’s fine,” Levi told them, ignoring Eren’s dark stare. “Anytime is good, I’m almost always here.”

“Excellent. Just so you know, I’ve been doing some digging on this building to see if any other supernatural activity has been reported, but nothing’s really come up. The only real stories from this place are about that fire during the Depression. Killed a few people, one of them could be your ghost, but who knows..”

Eren-- who’d been squinting at a ballpoint pen on the coffee table in what Levi supposed was an attempt to lift it up and begin writing-- suddenly snapped his head up. The pen quivered ever so slightly, but Dr. Hange didn’t notice.

“Yeah...” Levi said. “I think the landlord told me something about that fire.”

“According to my research, fires are among the most common deaths for those who go on to be ghosts. Murder is the top by far, of course, but--”

Levi interrupted them. “Why are fires so, uh, popular?”

“Don’t know. My best guess is that it’s just such a horrible way to go. Scary, painful, relatively slow. I mean, if you’re lucky you’ll pass out from smoke inhalation and won’t feel much, but...” Dr. Hange shivered. “Do you feel that? Is that a cold spot or is it just chilly in here?”

Levi glanced sideways at Eren. He was folded up on the couch, his face the palest it’d been since he’d regained his living colors. If it was possible at all, Levi might’ve worried that Eren was about to faint. 

“You all right?” Dr. Hange asked. It took Levi a beat to realize they were speaking to him and not Eren.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Levi said, looking away from Eren. But when he directed his attention to the professor, he saw that Dr. Hange was now staring where his gaze had been locked. Their eyes were narrowed and trained on a spot just a few inches away from where Eren sat, staring back at them with his golden sun eyes. Levi cleared his throat and Dr. Hange snapped their focus back on him.

“Levi,” they said, voice low and intent. “Is there something you haven't been telling me?”

“What?” Even to Levi’s ears, he sounded a touch to rattled. He swallowed and tried again. “No, nothing.”

Dr. Hange’s lips pressed together in a stern line that Levi wouldn't have thought they were even capable of a few minutes ago. “Have you seen the ghost?” they pressed.

“No, that's—”

“Tell them,” Eren commanded at the same time that Hange snapped, “Tell me the truth.”

Levi shut his eyes and scrubbed his face with his palms. “Okay, I have seen the ghost.”

“Just seen it?” Dr. Hange's fingers scrabbled at their breast pocket for their notebook. “Has it-- you-- have you been speaking to a ghost, Levi?” Their voice rose higher and higher until finally they shouted their question at him.

Levi got the feeling he'd just admitted to doing something incredibly reckless, like jabbing a knife into an electric socket or driving while black out drunk. “No-- not like that. I mean-- I've been seeing him around but-- no talking. Nothing like that.”

“What are you doing?” Eren demanded.

Levi ignored him, keeping his gaze firmly fixed on Dr. Hange.

The professor alternated their attention between Levi and a spot a few inches left of Eren. “Levi,” they said. Their words were like stone. “This is important, so don’t lie to me. Has the ghost been speaking to you?”

Eren turned to Levi, alarmed. “They're freaking out-- Levi, find out why they're freaking out.”

Levi did no such thing. Keeping his expression smooth and innocent, he laughed and said, “No, of course not. That'd be terrifying, or annoying at the very least. I would've called you up to get rid of him.”

Dr. Hange did not appear convinced, but it must've been equally evident to them that Levi was not going to budge on the question. They let some-- but not all-- of the tension drop from their shoulders and pressed a pencil to their notebook. “Tell me what this ghost of yours looks like then, if you've been seeing him.”

This Levi did gladly, describing Eren in great detail from the floppy hair on his head to the old, scuffed-up shoes on his feet. Once Dr. Hange finished peppering him with questions and taking down notes, it only took another quarter hour to get them out of the apartment. In the end, Dr. Hange only left after declaring they'd be returning after doing some more research. Levi hastily agreed, eager to get them out.

When he turned back after firmly shutting the door, Eren was curled up on the couch, arms wrapped around his stomach like it ached. The anger had abandoned him; now his face bore nothing but hurt. “Why’d you do that? I thought we were going to try to get answers from them.”

“We will,” Levi insisted. He rubbed high up on his temple, where a sharp headache was quickly forming. “Just-- not now. We’ll see what they say about the new data and then we’ll come clean. I just don’t want to jump the gun on this in case Hange decides to do something… hasty.”

“You mean in case they decide I’m too dangerous and exorcise me,” Eren said. “They already think I’m dangerous and they don’t even know everything about me.” 

Levi made himself scoff. He waved one hand dismissively. “Please. You’re not dangerous.”

Eren bit down on his lip, fingers tightening around his arms until his nails were practically piercing his shirtsleeves. “Then why were they so worried?” he demanded. “Why'd they start freaking out when they thought you were talking to me?”

Levi busied himself with rearranging some of the cardboard boxes Dr. Hange had disturbed during their wanderings. “The professor was probably just excited about having an interesting ghost to study instead of a boring one. They told me before that strong ghosts are really rare. A ghost that can hold a conversation must be pretty strong. So of course they freaked out at the thought of a ghost like you.”

It sounded so good that Levi nearly convinced himself.

Eren still wasn't satisfied though. “Then why not tell them about me? I wouldn't mind being studied.”

“Are you kidding me?” Levi asked, scoffing for real this time. “They'd probably never leave my apartment then. They'd be here constantly with all that equipment, taking recordings or whatever. Dr. Hange wanted to spend the night before, can you believe that?”

Eren narrowed his eyes at Levi. Levi didn’t meet his gaze, but he could feel the hair standing on the back of his neck and knew that Eren was giving him that soul-deep stare.

“...You’re lying,” Eren muttered.

Levi stopped pretending to sort the boxes. “I’m not,” he lied.

“You are!” Eren boomed, his energy flooding the room and snapping around him. The windows rattled so loudly that Levi thought they might crack, but he didn’t spare the glass a glance. He couldn’t look away from Eren’s fury. “You think I’m dangerous too-- why else would you even think that exorcism might be on the table? And you’re probably right! Mikasa-- Mikasa said--” Eren broke off with a groan, tearing at his hair. His fingernails dug into his skull, hard enough that they would’ve broken living skin.

Levi crossed the room and attempted to seize his wrists more on instinct than anything else. He realized partway through the gesture how pointless it was and began to abort the movement, but then Eren swatted out at him, knocking his hands aside.

Eren knocked Levi's hands aside. Not with his weird psychic ghost powers. With his own hands. Levi  _ felt _ it.

Levi and Eren both froze simultaneously. The rolling, furious energy that filled the room dissipated with a soft crackle as Eren’s anger broke. Eren lowered his arms from his head, blinking owlishly up at Levi. “Did I just...?”

Levi swallowed. “I-- I think you did.”

Eren blinked again. In a blink, he was off the couch and standing right in front of Levi. He licked his lips nervously, then stretched one hand out towards Levi. After a moment of hesitation, Levi put his hand out too.

Slowly-- very slowly-- Eren’s hand moved to meet his. It was ridiculous, but Levi could hear his pulse pounding away in his ears. Centimeter by centimeter, closer and closer, until finally Eren’s fingers passed right through his hand.

Levi’s shoulder slumped. Eren drew his hand back and actually growled in frustration. “Again,” he said. “I almost-- again.”

Levi extended his hand once more. Eren stared at it with a laser-like focus, brows furrowed so deeply he’d probably be giving himself a headache if he had a true brain to hurt. He breathed in and out, long and slow.

Then Eren’s hand shot out and seized Levi’s in a tight grip. Eren squeezed Levi’s hand once, twice, then looked up at Levi. His face glowed with triumph even as he began to laugh in disbelief.

“Levi, I, I--” He gasped, his entire body trembling with excitement. “Levi!”

“Yeah,” Levi answered. He was too shocked to say anything else. He squeezed Eren’s hand back. “Yeah.”

“Your hands are so small!” Eren exclaimed, pulling Levi closer to examine his hand more closely. Levi went without any resistance, too distracted with processing the strange sensation of a ghost’s skin against his. The skin was unmistakably solid, but there was something just not quite right about it that he couldn’t yet define.

“I noticed they were kind of small before, but this is-- look, Levi!” Eren said, lining up their palms to compare finger lengths. Levi dimly registered that Eren’s hands were heavily calloused-- from using his crutches, Levi supposed. It seemed weird somehow that a ghost could have callouses though.

“You're way taller than me, what'd you expect?” Levi said. “And really? You can suddenly fucking touch me and the size of my hands is all you can think about?”

Eren laughed again. “It’s too much to process for me to think about anything profound. It's been... it's been almost eighty years, Levi.”

“Well, sorry that my tiny hands are underwhelming for your big moment.”

Fingers tightening around his, Eren shook his head. “I love your hands,” he insisted. Apparently oblivious to how his words made Levi's cheeks ignite, he slid his hand to Levi's wrist and then down his forearm to cup his elbow. Levi could feel Eren’s fingers trembling despite the tight hold he had on Levi.  

“I can't believe it,” Eren murmured. His hand began to inch up Levi's arm to his shoulder, but then he paused. “Is this all right?”

Levi took in Eren’s golden eyes, his shining face. “It's fine,” he decided.

Permission granted, Eren began a careful exploration of Levi's skin. The apartment hadn’t gotten any cooler as summer peaked, so Levi had a great deal of it bared. Eren's fingers traced along Levi's biceps and up to the joint of his shoulder. After sweeping from shoulder to neck, his fingers trailed along the ridges of Levi's collarbone and then further downwards. For a moment, Levi thought Eren was headed for one of his surgery scars, but then his hand stopped right over Levi's heart.

 

Eren pressed his palm flat against the spot where Levi's heart was drumming away and closed his eyes. After a while, Levi closed his eyes too. 

They stood in silence.

Finally, Levi heard Eren shift and opened his eyes. He was surprised to realize how close together they'd come to be. Eren pressed his fingers to Levi's heart once more and then allowed his hand to fall away. “Sorry,” he said. “If that was weird, I mean. It's been too long for me.”

Levi cleared his throat with a small, awkward cough. “I don't mind,” he told him. “I… I’m kind of touch starved too, I think.”

Eren's eyes lit up. “Touch starved. That's a good way to say it. Lately, it's like I've been hungry for it. But I never thought I'd be able to—” His hand came back up, cupping Levi's neck. “To touch,” he finished, voice oddly breathy for someone who didn't need oxygen.

“...Can I...?” Levi fanned out his fingers and Eren nodded eagerly.

“Yes! I mean, you can try, I don't know if you can—” Levi laid his hand on Eren's chest and he immediately shut up.

There was no beating heart or steady breaths to feel. After just a few seconds, Levi left Eren's chest and instead touched Eren's messy, too long hair. Eren leaned down a little so Levi could run his fingers through his hair without standing on tiptoe. It was thick and stubborn, refusing to stay in place when Levi swept it backwards. “You need a haircut,” Levi muttered and Eren chuckled.

“You sound like Mikasa.”

Levi stiffened, remembering what Eren said earlier-- or rather, what he never finished saying when he last uttered Mikasa’s name. But Eren didn’t seem to notice anything amiss and Levi didn’t want to poke that hornet nest again, so he left it alone.

Eren’s fingers pressed gently into Levi’s throat. “Levi,” he murmured.

His hushed voice sent Levi’s heart thudding against his chest. Thankfully, Eren’s hand wasn’t anywhere near it. “W-what?”

“You were supposed to start work ten minutes ago.”

Levi frowned, unable to comprehend whatever Eren was talking about. Then he broke away from Eren’s gaze to squint at the time on the kitchen’s microwave and swore. He flew for his laptop and jabbed at the keyboard frantically to sign in. 

Eren, laughing fondly, settled down beside him close enough for their legs to brush. And Levi-- Levi couldn’t find the will within himself to complain about the distraction. 

What worried him more than anything was that he really didn’t mind at all.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi is an adult and perfectly capable of making his own bad decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I woke up so early today. My eyes are too sore to proofread, but I wanted to get this up anyway. Sorry in advance.
> 
> A note of some interest: this fic is projected to have about 18-20 chapters, so we are entering the close. At the rate I'm going, it should be finished before the end of the year.

Eren, with his newfound abilities, was like a toddler in an antique shop. Anything and everything had to be picked up, examined from all angles, fiddled with, and put back down in approximately the same spot it came from. While Levi worked, Eren combed through the living room with his fingers, then the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom. When Levi wasn’t working, Eren hovered close by, brushing against him and bumping into him at every conceivable opportunity-- always with a silly, completely non-apologetic grin on his face. Levi glared at him sometimes, but only with enough force to make Eren momentarily back off, still smiling. 

The truth was, Levi didn’t mind. Actually, it was kind of cute.

Still, Levi wasn’t used to having someone in his space. Eren had been around all this time, of course, but it was different now that he was actually  _ there _ , in Levi’s way and leaning against him and  _ touching _ . Now more than ever, his constant presence demanded attention and-- although Levi was fine with it-- it still left him drained by the time darkness fell each night. 

He’d fall asleep in the middle of movies, waking up to Eren poking him and then prodding him towards his bedroom. He’d finish washing up the dishes after dinner and find himself yawning. Once, he even nodded off in the middle of translating a particularly dull medical record.

Eren fussed over him. His first suggestion was Levi should sleep more. When Levi pointed out that he already slept eight hours a night, Eren instead turned to some sort of old wives’ remedy involving soaking a potato in a glass of water overnight and then drinking it. When Levi refused that on the principle that it sounded disgusting, Eren pouted and took to commandeering Levi’s laptop whenever possible to jab at the keyboard and scroll through WebMD. (The phone’s touch screen, it turned out, did not respond well to ghost fingers.)

Levi left him to his worrying. He didn’t have the heart to explain that it was just another of his many depression symptoms: low energy stores, inability to adjust well to changes, even just general exhaustion. If he told Eren that this was nothing new, not really, that he was  _ always  _ tired, Eren would just give him that pitying look he hated.

Besides, he felt better after a few days anyway. In fact, he was still wide awake at nine at night when Erwin called.

Levi seriously considered not answering. He could always tell Erwin later that he’d been asleep. He didn’t like lying to Erwin though; he wasn’t good at it and it was stupid to push his luck on bullshit that didn’t really matter.

“Should I go away for a bit?” Eren offered when Levi made no move to address the ringing.

“...No,” Levi said and then he seized the phone and answered it. “What?”

“Hey. I’ve got to go into work early tomorrow morning, so I'll make this quick,” Erwin said. “Would it be all right if Mike and I came on the 26 th ?”

Levi had known that it was coming, even before Mike’s warning call. He should probably count it as a victory that he'd managed to ward the pair of them off for even this long. That didn't stop a dim sense of dread from drizzling upon his head and dripping down until his entire body felt cool. “That's... next week?”

“Six days from now.”

Levi clicked open the calendar on his computer and saw that Erwin was right. Six days. He looked up and around the living room,  counting all of the cardboard boxes-- most of them still unopened. Six days. He could be ready in six days. Theoretically.

He was silent too long. On the other end, he heard Erwin take a slow, steady breath. “If it will be easier for you, I could come alone.” He paused and then added, “Or Mike could come alone.”

Levi knew Erwin well enough to detect the reluctance in his voice when he said that last bit. He was tempted to agree to it, to tell Erwin to stay away and only send Mike if they were so dead-set on checking up on him. Levi wasn't a coward though. He was a lot of things, most of them not especially good, but he'd always taken some pride in the fact that at least he had a spine.

“No, that's fine. You can both come. You two aren't staying here though. There's no room for you two beasts.”

“Of course not,” Erwin said, voice even and suspiciously gentle. “We wouldn't have presumed.”

Levi hated that, the way he'd said it. “Good. Is that all? I’m busy, I got to go.”

Thankfully, Erwin didn’t press Levi on what could possibly have him so busy so late in the evening. He let him go with just a quick goodnight. Levi hung up the phone, wishing it had a cradle he could slam it down into. As it was, he had to settle for dropping it onto the ground, digging the palms of his hands into both of his eyes, and letting out the slow hiss of breath he'd held in.

Eren appeared beside him, sitting close. With a glance and a furrowed brow, Eren sent the phone skittering away across the floor like a hockey puck until it hit the opposite wall. It wasn't as satisfying as the noise a phone made when thrust down into its cradle, but it was still pretty nice. Levi muttered his thanks.

Eren ignored it though. Instead, he held out an open hand to Levi, fingers curled into an invitation. Levi removed one hand from his face to accept it. It was still strange to him how firm yet hollow Eren felt. Almost like a tea cup made of china that would shatter if you held it too roughly.

“Are you going to be all right?” Eren asked.

Levi didn't answer him. He didn't have an answer. After a moment of silence, Eren squeezed his hand and Levi let his head drop limply down onto Eren's shoulder, imagining he could feel the ghost breathe, hear his heartbeat. It wasn't hard to do.

When Levi had gathered himself, he got to work. He made a list of everything that needed to be done before Erwin and Mike arrived. The entire apartment had to be deep cleaned, of course. He needed to make sure his cupboards and fridge were stocked. They'd become very concerned if they noticed he didn't have much in the way of actual ingredients to make actual meals. Erwin and Mike knew him too well to not know what a cupboard full of cereal and Kraft macaroni meant. Not to mention the two of them also ate a lot and-- if he had a lot of good ingredients on hand-- Mike could probably be persuaded to cook.

He'd have to make sure he was completely up-to-date on all his work and be ahead of schedule if at all possible. He needed to research a little more about the nearby area so he wouldn't be put in the awkward position of revealing just how rarely he'd been venturing from his apartment.

And, at the very top of the list, a single word underlined three times: UNPACK.

Levi read and re-read the list, wondering how he had ever thought six days would be enough.

“I can help with some of this,” Eren told him. “Not the shopping or your work, obviously, but I think I can clean some. And if you tell me where to put your stuff, I can probably unpack. As long as it's nothing too heavy or fragile.”

Levi nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose. There was a splitting headache growing beneath his skull. He could feel it throbbing along with his pulse.

“It's not really a lot,” Eren continued. “If you just do some every day, you'll be done in no time.”

“I know you're trying to be helpful,” Levi said. “But please shut up.”

Eren helpfully shut up.

Levi read the list again from top to bottom. Eren was right, it really wasn't a lot. He knew it wasn't a lot. But it was a lot for him and his limited energy. He simply didn't have the motivation to tackle any of the items on the list and probably wouldn't have it until the panic of the eleventh hour set it. By then, it would be too late.

Levi knew what would happen because it had happened before. He would swear to himself that he would get his act together before Erwin came around, but be paralyzed until it was nearly too late. Then, in a frantic rush, he would try to wash the mountain of dirty dishes or shower or finish the project, do whatever he needed to do to convince Erwin that everything was okay. But rushing meant a sloppy job and a sloppy job was never good enough to fool Erwin.

Erwin and Mike would arrive at his apartment. They would see the neglected chores and the terrible diet and the still unpacked boxes and Levi's shame. All their concerns would be confirmed and then Erwin wouldn't rest until he'd convinced Levi to get help, to give medication another shot, to  _ come home _ .Levi

It wouldn't take much for him to surrender. Erwin was very persuasive and Levi had always struggled with telling him no. So he'd give in and go home and lose any measure of distance and solitude that he'd managed to gain here and--

“I'm fucked,” Levi muttered.

“Look, just get started tonight. Just do a little bit,” Eren said. Apparently shutting up had a short shelf life. “The apartment isn't really that dirty and you've already sort of started with the unpacking. If you do a little bit now—”

“I can't do this right now,” Levi announced, cutting him off. “I can't-- I'll try tomorrow, but right now—” He shook his head and stood up to search the kitchen. He didn't know why he'd bothered looking. On his last two shopping trips, he'd decided that it was a bad idea to keep any alcohol in the apartment. It was true, it was a bad idea, but right now he was cursing himself.

Levi went next door. He felt pathetic asking again, but this was a crisis. “I need to get drunk,” he told Historia when she answered his knocks.

She raised one eyebrow, but did not comment. “Well, I'm heading out in half an hour and I'm pretty sure there's only a nasty wine cooler in the fridge.”

The headache was getting worse. Levi massaged both side of his temple, fingers digging in a little too hard. “Then I need you to tell me where the nearest non-shit hole bar is around here. And if Ymir can come with, drinks are on me.” Drinking alone was sad, but drinking with someone else was being social, after all.

Historia grinned a little and called over her shoulder. “Ymir, go get drunk with Levi!”

Ymir came into view, hair hanging loose and face bemused. “What now?”

“Will you come get smashed with me?” Levi asked. “Free drinks.”

Ymir scratched at the strip of midriff bared by her hiked up tank top. “Uh, I'll watch you get smashed, but I'm not getting smashed. I've got a morning shift tomorrow.”

That was good enough for Levi. He waited for Ymir to get changed and then they both headed out into the dark streets. “So I'm guessing it's best that we don't go anywhere where we have to drive,” Ymir said.

“And no place with serious health code violations. And no place with a lot of dancing.” Levi was not in the mood to deal with exuberance of any sort. “I can settle if it’s kind of pretentious and douche-y though.”

Ymir laughed. “All right. I know a place. It's kind of small, but-- well, let's just go.”

So they headed west for a few blocks until they wound up at a hole-in-the-wall that looked more like a coffee shop than a bar, complete with a chalk sign outside that had what Levi suspected was a Lord of the Rings reference on it. Sure enough, the cocktail menu was filled with fantasy-themed drinks. Levi wasn't nearly enough of a geek to appreciate what he was sure was complete brilliance, so he just stuck with ordering successive shots of tequila.

Ymir waited until he'd finished with his fourth shot to say, “So... dare I ask what all this is about?”

Levi squinted at her as she sipped away at her cocktail. He couldn't remember its name, but it was extremely blue. “What does it matter?”

“I mean, you're an adult so you can make whatever bad decisions you want, but if you want to tell me why you're making this one, I'll listen. I won't tell Historia, if you don't want me to. Or anyone else.”

The tequila was doing nothing for his headache. Levi glared at the shot glasses lined up in front of him, feeling strangely betrayed. Ymir slid her untouched glass of water towards him and he accepted it. After he'd taken a big gulp, he muttered, “I got a call from Erwin today. He's coming to visit soon.”

“Who's Erwin?”

“He's my...” Levi couldn't think of the right word. “Friend” wasn't nearly enough to capture all their complicated history, how close they'd been when they were younger and how close they still were, despite everything. Calling Erwin “family” left a sour taste in his mouth though.

“Ex?” Ymir suggested.

Levi grimaced. “No. Never that.” He forced down some more water and then signaled the bartender for another shot. “We... we went to high school together. And after high school, we were roommates for a pretty long time. Erwin's one of the few people left on the earth who actually gives a shit about me, you know?”

“So why does him visiting mean you need to get smashed?”

“I don't want him to see me,” Levi mumbled around the rim of the water glass. “I don't want to see  _ him _ .”

“Why not?”

The fifth shot arrived and Levi swallowed it down. “If he sees me,” he rasped, throat burning. “He's gonna know I've been lying to him about being fine. He already knows, I'm sure, but... he'll freak out.”

“...And if you see him?” Ymir asked.

Levi arranged the shot glass into the row with the others. “It fucking hurts.”

Ymir blinked and murmured a soft “Oh,” before swallowing the remainder of her cocktail.

“What?” Levi demanded.

Ymir eyed him sideways. “...You like this guy, don't you?”

Levi hated that it was that obvious. Or maybe the tequila had betrayed him even more than he'd thought. “That's... yeah,” he sighed. What was the point in lying? “For fucking years. Pretty much since our senior year of high school.”

Ymir's dark eyebrows shut up high. “Aren't you, like, thirty?”

“Thirty-one,” Levi corrected.

“Geez.”

“I know.” Levi had been attracted to other guys throughout the years, but never anywhere near as much as Erwin. He'd dated other people, fucked other people, made long lists of Erwin's many faults. But he'd never managed to completely get over it. Erwin was always around, after all, and it wasn't like he ever became less attractive to Levi. As time went by, liking Erwin just became another brand of suffering that he was resigned to.

“And I'm guessing he doesn't like you back?” Ymir asked, to which Levi shook his head. “Does he know you like him? Wait, is he straight?”

“He knows. And no, he's not.” Levi had clung onto the idea that Erwin might be straight as an arrow for years since it made everything easier. Levi was a guy, no matter what he looked like, so if Erwin was straight, then of course he didn't like Levi. Nothing to be done about it, no fault of Levi's. But then Levi introduced Erwin to Mike and the two of them got on like a house on fire. “He just... doesn't like me like that. Never has.”

“That sucks, man.”

Levi barked out a laugh. “I know.”

Ymir propped her chin up on one hand and used the other to collect Levi's shot glasses and arrange them into a pyramid. “Well, I wish I had some sage wisdom to give you, but I've never had a problem with getting over people.”

“I've been working on it,” Levi said. He knew he couldn't carry on the way he'd been doing forever. He didn't have family anymore, not really, so at the end of the day, Erwin and Mike were the only people he could count on. He didn't want to feel the way he did, not when it contributed to him feeling miserable (which he really did not need help with) and not when it made things awkward with Erwin and Mike. But, like his depression, it wasn't something he could just force away by sheer will.

The bartender came around and talked Ymir into another cocktail and a replacement glass of water. Levi ordered his sixth shot. Things got fuzzy after that, but eventually Ymir declared Levi sufficiently smashed and cut him off. Levi wasn't in fighting shape to argue with her, so he let Ymir guide him out of the bar and onto the pavement.

Levi felt buoyant and light, even as he leaned heavily against Ymir. They stumbled along the blocks-- most of the stumbling was Levi's fault-- and Levi wasn't entirely certain they were headed in the right direction. Ymir seemed confident though and was only sort of tipsy, so he let her lead the way. If they wound up terribly lost, Historia would surely come find them. She was nice like that. 

And Ymir was nice too, coming to drink with him even though she probably had better things to do than hang out with some old guy. And now she was helping him back to the apartment with one arm thrown around his shoulder. It was such a simple touch, so casual, and yet Levi couldn't help but focus on it, even through his drunken stupor. First that elderly woman at the grocery store and now Ymir. There was Eren too, of course, but he didn't know if Eren counted since he was a ghost.

“You know,” he told Ymir. “You're the second since I left home. Just the second. Human, anyway, The second. So pathetic. That's pathetic, right?”

“Second what?” Ymir asked.

“Any why are you so nice to me? I haven't done nothing. Nothing to deserve.” He tipped his head back to look up at her as sternly as he could manage with the world swimming around him. “Why? It’s weird.”

“Do I really need a reason to be nice?”

“Everyone has a reason.”

Ymir sighed, tightening her grip on his shoulders when he tripped a little on a crack in the sidewalk. “If I tell you, you'll think I'm a jerk.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. “...If you tell me why you're nice... I'll think you're a jerk?”

“Maybe? I don't know!”

“You should just tell me,” Levi told her. “I probably won't even care. I don't care about very much anyway.”

Ymir ran her free hand over her face and muttered something to herself. “Okay, fine. So, like… you're transgender, right? I’m not way off base?”

For one baffling moment, Levi wondered how she’d known. But then he remembered her staring at his surgery scars the first night they’d met. That plus his height probably clued her in. “Yep,” Levi replied, popping the P sound.

“Well-- it's like this. In middle school, I had this friend, right? And looking back, I'm one hundred percent sure that he-- she?-- this friend of mine was trans. But I didn't really know anything about that stuff back in middle school and-- well, I was kind of terrible in middle school.”

“Everyone's terrible in middle school,” Levi said very seriously. “I was such a-- such a shit in middle school.”

Ymir did not appear reassured in the slightest. “Anyway, this friend, they were going through some rough stuff and I wasn't supportive at all. I think I might've made things worse some of the time. Basically, what I'm saying is that I was the worst friend ever. And then I moved and I never heard anything from them after that.”

“So…” Levi said.  “You're being nice to me because I'm trans and you wanted to make it up to your friend.”

“I guess so? Does that make me a jerk?”

“I don't really care.” Levi wasn't in a position to be turning down any measure of kindness. “You should find them and apologize if you feel that bad about it though.”

“I've looked on facebook and stuff, but I think they must've changed their name. Or-- well, to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if they kil-- if they are dead. They were pretty depressed, when I knew them at least. They'd talk about it sometimes...”

This was the sort of statement that Levi knew was supposed to elicit some sort of emotional reaction, but he was too drunk to figure out the appropriate one and fake it. He concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other instead.

“That's not why I'm being nice now though,” Ymir said suddenly. “It was, at first, but you're a good guy. Now I’m only nice because I like you. Historia too.”

Levi just nodded, not sure he really believed it.

Somehow, they made it to the apartment building and up the stairs without incident. Levi fumbled with his key but managed to unlock his door on his own. After waving off Ymir's concerns about whether or not he'd be all right, he headed to the kitchen and filled up a tall glass of water. It took him a couple minutes and a dozen curses to get the Tylenol open, but eventually he was able to shake out two pill and swallowed them down with his water.

Levi brushed his teeth, shed down to his boxers, and fell into bed with a grunt. He had to work tomorrow and he'd certainly hate himself when morning came, but that was a problem for the Levi of the future.

“You're drunk.”

Groaning, Levi turned his face away from his pillow to peer at Eren on the nightstand. “As a skunk.”

Eren stared down at him with that weird head tilt. “Is your alarm set for tomorrow?”

Levi nodded into his pillow, then hesitated and reconsidered. “I dunno.”

“I'll wake you up if it doesn't go off,” Eren promised.

That was awfully helpful of him. Eren had been trying to be helpful earlier and Levi had snapped at him. He squinted at Eren in the dark, trying to discern his features. There wasn't enough light to work with though and Levi's vision was swimming anyway. “Are you mad?” he asked.

Eren leaned forward, moving out of the deepest shadows. That was definitely a frown Levi saw on his face. “About what?”

“I snapped at you earlier. I was... I was...” He couldn't think of the right word. Drinking made working up the nerve to apologize easier, but it also made finding the right way to say it harder. Levi gave up on explaining himself and cut to the heart of the matter. “I shouldn't have done that.”

“Don't worry about it, Levi,” Eren said. Levi thought the frown might be gone, a suspicion that was lent some credence when Eren reached out to brush Levi's bangs out of his eyes. “Just go to bed. You have to wake up in a few hours.”

Levi sighed, then buried his face into his pillow so he wouldn't nuzzle against Eren's palm. Touch starved, he thought. That was why Ymir's arm around his shoulders felt so good earlier. Eren's fingers carding through his hair felt even better. “Are you going to stay in here?” he said, voice muffled against the pillow.

Eren’s hand settled lightly on the back of Levi's neck. “If that isn't too creepy for you. I don't want you to throw up in your sleep and choke.”

“Not that smashed,” Levi muttered. He rolled onto his side anyway though, making sure his head was well-positioned on the pillow. It struck him suddenly that the mattress was awfully big for just one person, especially when that one person was Levi. He debated with himself for a few moments before deciding that he really was drunk as a skunk and therefore allowed to engage in some atypical behavior. So he patted the empty space behind him and told Eren, “C'mon.”

“What?”

Levi thought it was rather obvious. “If you're gonna stay in here, you might as well lie down. If you want to.”

Eren's head tilt became even more pronounced. Levi hadn’t thought it possible. “...I don't sleep,” he said slowly.

“I'm not saying sleep, I'm saying--” Levi groaned and cut himself off. It didn't matter how much tequila he'd drank and how touch starved he was. He wasn't going to ask a ghost to cuddle with him. Not in so many words, at least. “Never mind.”

Eren frowned, then disappeared. When he reappeared, he was lying beside Levi, a chaste distance between their bodies. “You better not forget you asked me to do this and call me a creep when you wake up,” Eren warned.

“Won’t,” Levi muttered, already struggling to keep his eyes open. He scooted over so that he could feel the line of Eren’s form pressing along his back. Eren didn’t put off any heat, but still… it was nice. “Okay?”

Eren raised one hand and laid it on Levi’s waist, touch as tentative as a butterfly. “I’m okay if you are,” he said, whisper-soft.

Levi nodded and finally let his eyes fall shut.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi makes some progress despite the universe trying to fuck him over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ: This chapter deals more heavily with suicidal ideation than any previous chapter. Nothing is acted upon, but there's a lot of discussion about it.

Levi woke up late the next morning and immediately dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He clung to the toilet with clammy hands as he threw up.

When he finally lifted his head out of the toilet and flushed it’s disgusting contents away, Eren was sitting on the counter. Despite his solid appearance, the mirror behind him cast back no reflection. Eren peered at Levi from his perch. “Are you okay?”

“Too much tequila,” Levi mumbled. Way too much. What the hell had he been thinking? With shaky knees, he pushed himself off the floor and went to the sink to wash out his mouth. When he’d rinsed and spat three times, he added, “Some Tylenol’ll fix me up.”

This turned out to be a lie. While the Tylenol did dull his hangover headache enough to stare at his laptop screen for work, it still persisted well into the evening. Levi’s stomach felt weird too. He was reluctant to eat both lunch and dinner, but he choked his meals down anyway to avoid alarming Eren. Getting ready for company was absolutely out of the question though. Levi crawled into bed early and hoped that he’d feel better the next day. There was still time, after all. Five days left.

=====

When Levi first began to sneeze, he wrote it off as aggravation from all the dust that was being whipped up into the air as they cleaned. Eren didn't seem too concerned either, instead teasing Levi mercilessly about how soft and high-pitched his sneezes were. But in under 24 hours, a painful dry cough had developed to accompany the sneezing and Levi was running a fever.

“ Do you have any medicine?” Eren asked, leaning over Levi's bed where he'd curled up to shiver beneath his blanket.

“ I don't think so,” Levi said. His throat itched and he coughed several times, drawing his knees up closer to his chest. “If I do, it's in the cabinet behind the bathroom mirror.”

Eren disappeared to go check, but came back empty-handed after a couple of minutes. “Maybe Historia and Ymir have some?” he suggested. “I could-- wait, no, I couldn't...”

“ I can make it next door, I'm not dying,” Levi grumbled. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and draped his blanket over his shoulders, unwilling to leave it behind. Then he trudged out and over to their door to rap against the old wood.

Ymir answered and took command of the situation before Levi could do more than cough twice and sniffle rather pathetically. “Do we have any cough or cold medicine?” she called over her shoulder to Historia.

“ Uh, just my allergy meds,” Historia said.

Ymir was already ushering Levi back into his apartment. “Could you run to CVS and pick some stuff up then? I'll text you a list.”

Once Ymir had Levi back in his bed, she made him list out his symptoms, which she transcribed to Historia on the phone. “We've got tea, but we're out of honey. You got any honey?” Levi shook his head and Ymir shot another text off to Historia. “What about soup and stuff?”

“ I've got soup. And tea.”

“ All right, good. You want some? I'll heat it up for you real quick.”

Levi nodded, feeling all of ten years old. Ymir headed for the kitchen and Eren appeared, sitting on the bed next to Levi's legs.

“ Soup,” Eren said, shaking his head. “I should've thought of that. I can make soup too. Probably. Getting the can open might be tricky.” He frowned in the direction of the kitchen, then scooted closer to Levi. “Your neighbors are very kind.”

“ Yeah,” Levi said, keeping his voice low. Just because Ymir couldn't hear Eren didn't mean she couldn’t hear him talking to him.

Brow furrowed in concentration, Eren cupped his palm against Levi's forehead. His hand on Levi's temple felt nearly solid, though there was no warmth to it. “I think your fever is getting worse,” he murmured.

Levi coughed hard, dislodging Eren's hand. “I'll be fine. Probably picked up some virus at the bar the other night. I get sick easily when I'm stressed out.”

“ You have so much tea!” Ymir yelled from the kitchen. “What kind do you want?”

Levi pushed himself up on his elbows a little so he could raise his voice properly. “Peppermint.”

“ Okay. There’s chicken and rice soup, you want that?”

“ Yes, please.” Levi dropped back down onto the mattress, muscles aching. “I better not have the fucking flu,” he muttered to Eren. “I'll get Erwin sick; he's a sponge for germs. Erwin's always such a whiny baby when he's sick too. Poor Mike will have to put up with him.”

Slowly, as though Levi might object, Eren lowered himself down onto the mattress. “At least you won't get me sick,” he said, settling alongside Levi. “I had my fill of being sick when I was alive.”

They laid there for a while, listening to Ymir puttering around in the kitchen. After a particularly long coughing fit, Levi rolled from his back to his side, hoping to find a position that didn't make his lungs seize up. Eren rubbed Levi briskly between his shoulder blades. “You're going to be okay,” he said, his words oddly soft. “Just need to rest up for a while.”

“ I know,” Levi said. He sniffed to suck some snot back up. “But I've got to get ready for Erwin and Mike.”

With one final pat, Eren's hand traveled from Levi's back to his waist. “What’s the worst that could happen if they came and you didn't have the apartment all perfect?”

“ The apartment doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be...” Levi trailed off. How could he explain  _ it just can't be obvious how depressed I am _ to Eren, who came from a time when lobotomies were still considered a good idea? “I just need the place to look put together so Erwin and Mike won't worry even more about me. If they came and saw how it looks right now, they'd try to convince me to come back home.”

“The place isn’t  _ that _ messy.”

“ It’s not really about the mess,” Levi said. “It’s about… they know me really well. Especially Erwin. So if they see the place looking how it looks now, they’ll know that I haven’t been doing well.” The unpacked boxes in particular practically screamed out how reluctant Levi was to put down roots, how ambivalent he was about being here. 

“ Wouldn’t it be better for them to know? Don’t get me wrong, I understand not wanting to worry your friends.” Eren’s thumb was rubbing a small circle just above Levi’s hip bone, so casual that Levi might have thought he didn’t realize he was doing it if not for the fact that Eren had to focus to touch anything. Levi swallowed and tried to concentrate on what Eren was saying instead of the heat rising in his chest. “I hated making Mikasa and Armin worry about me. But everything was always better with them around to help. And if I tried to hide an illness, they’d just be more upset when they finally found out.”

Levi started to say something, but barely got more than a breath out before his body was racked with coughs. Eren held him firmly, keeping him steady.

“ Whoa, there,” Ymir said, coming into the room with a steaming mug and bowl. Levi immediately attempted to bolt away from Eren, but didn’t make it very far with Eren’s arm wrapped around his torso. He remembered, belatedly, that it didn’t matter if Ymir found him in bed with a strange man because one, it was none of her business, and two, she couldn’t see Eren anyway.

Sure enough, she set down the soup bowl on the nightstand where Eren liked to sit and held out the tea to Levi without commenting on his bed mate. “Here. It’s still pretty hot, but it should be safe to drink. Sounds like you really need it.”

Eren silently let go of him so Levi could haul himself upright and accept the mug. “Thanks,” he rasped. The tea was just cool enough to gulp down, which he did. It felt wonderful on his throat even without any honey.

“ Were you saying something to me?” Ymir asked. “I thought I could hear someone talking in here.”

Levi must not have kept his voice as low as he’d thought. “It was nothing.”

“Oh, okay. Well, the CVS is really close, so Historia should—”

Right on cue, Levi heard Historia coming in, plastic bags rustling in her hands. “I didn’t know what cough drop flavor you like, so I got cherry since that’s what I like,” she called into the apartment. There was a brief pause and then Historia said, “Man, you  _ still _ haven’t unpacked?”

Levi was surprised Ymir hadn’t asked about all his moving boxes still sitting around. Perhaps she was just politer. “I’ve started unpacking,” Levi said, coughing a little from raising his voice. “I’m working on it. Slowly.”

Historia found them in the bedroom and dumped the plastic bags on the bed by Levi’s stomach. Like Ymir, she did not notice Eren still lying beside him. “If you need help unpacking, I could give you a hand,” Historia said. “I was an army brat, so my family moved around a lot. I’m a packing pro.”

Levi was about to say no, but Eren whispered urgently to him, “Let her help. You need help, Levi.”

Struggling to keep his eyes off of Eren, Levi sighed and nodded. “I’d appreciate that. It’s been… overwhelming.”

After arranging to come over the next day after her afternoon class, Historia left with a wave and a “I really can’t afford to get sick right now, so I’m out of here.”

Levi investigated the CVS bag, pulling out a box of extra strength cough syrup. Though sometimes he regretted going off his anti-depressants a couple of years ago—and it probably had been a mistake—he was glad that at the very least he could actually take cold and cough medicine now. The one time he’d mixed MAO inhibitors with cold remedies, he wound up sick as a dog.

He swallowed a dose of the cough suppressant, then gulped down his soup and tea to get the foul taste out of his mouth. Because Ymir was a saint, she washed his dirty dishes while he ate, coming back into his bedroom to retrieve the mug and bowl once he was done. 

Before Ymir left for class too, Levi forced a fifty dollar bill into her hand to give to Historia.

“Dude,” she protested. “The CVS trip was probably twenty at most.”

“Consider it a service fee.”

It took some time, but Levi finally worn her down; Ymir left with the fifty crumbled in her pants pocket. Levi tore open his brand new package of cough drops and popped one in his mouth. Then, with a weary sigh, he checked the time on his phone. It was long past time to get to work.

“What are the chances you could bring my laptop in here without dropping it?” Levi asked Eren. 

Eren sat up and considered the distance between where the laptop sat in the living room and the bed. “Not good.” 

Levi groaned. But eventually-- finally-- he dragged himself out of bed.

=========

Eren spent most of that day and the next puttering around the apartment and experimenting with various chores to see what he could accomplish with his widening range of abilities. Sweeping was beyond him and any type of scrubbing was a complete bust, but he dusted pretty damn well. And so, when Historia came by in the afternoon, the entire apartment was dust-free and smelled faintly of lemons.

Historia worked with a smooth efficiency that was easy to get caught up in, especially since the medicine had given Levi most of his energy back. Together, they worked through one box after another. Levi savored the pleasant buzz of productivity, the sweet sense of accomplishment that came with every box conquered.

Strangely, the hardest part was deciding where exactly everything should go. Whenever Historia would hold up a crockpot or a quilt or whatever, Levi would freeze, thinking of where it should be in his  _ bibi _ ’s house or in the old apartment he’d shared with Erwin for years. After the first hour or so of this though, Historia had a clear enough idea of how Levi wanted things to make most of the decision on her own. Levi let her. 

(The next hardest part was putting away things in high places. Both Levi and Historia were short and Ymir was apparently at work. Eventually Levi worked out a system where he would stand on his tiptoes and hold the item up for Eren to subtly push into place when Historia wasn’t looking.)

Finally, everything was where it belonged-- including the crushed cardboard boxes they hauled down to the apartment building’s dumpster. Historia left him to quietly admire all the wide, open space in his living room. He almost didn’t recognize the place.

“Do you feel better?” Eren asked from his seat on the coffee table.

Levi sniffed to clear his nose. “Not quite ready to go off the meds yet.”

“No, I mean now that you finished unpacking.”

“Oh.” Levi reconsidered the room. It looked properly lived in now, not like some squatter had taken over the apartment. He had the satisfaction of a job well done, but beyond that… he didn’t know how he was supposed to feel. “I guess so, yeah. It’s one less thing to have to worry about, anyway.” 

=====

The nighttime cold medicine Historia bought was almost too effective. Levi took a dose along with his dinner and barely managed to finish washing the dishes before collapsing into bed. Eren was all too happy to follow him under the sheets. Levi could feel his smile pressing into the sensitive skin at the back of his neck. 

They hadn't really talked about this whole cuddling thing, not since Levi was drunk anyway. Levi didn't especially want to talk it out, so he relieved. It didn't want to mean anything. Just two touch-starved people clinging to one another. Nothing wrong with that.

It was weird though, spooning a ghost. Eren didn’t breathe and he didn’t put out any body heat. He was solid, but in a distinctly hollow way. For the casual touching they’d done thus far, it still startled Levi to put his hands upon Eren and realize that there was nothing inside.

Even with all the peculiarities, Levi still thought spooning a ghost was a lot better than laying in a bed all alone.

Eren’s gently massaged the back of his neck when he broke into a coughing fit. It went too long and left him breathless and achy. When it was done, Levi laid his pounding head down onto the pillow beside Eren’s and thought about whooping cough and tuberculosis and all the other illnesses that had ravaged Eren’s generation. He wondered what it’d be like to cough and cough and cough until there was no air left inside of him. Painful and scary, probably, but how long would it take? What would it be like to take that last breath?

“ Eren,” Levi said.

Eren had his face buried into Levi’s hair, so his “What?” was rather muffled.

“Do you--” Levi stopped. He considered not asking at all, but didn't know if he'd ever summon the courage again. “...You don’t have to answer.”

“Okay?”

Levi took a long breath, coughing a tiny bit on the exhalation. “Do you remember dying?”

Eren became very still behind him, so still that Levi would’ve thought he’d vanished if he couldn’t feel Eren’s body pressed along his. When his answer came, it was nothing more than a whisper. “Yes.”

“What...” He swallowed, throat sore. “What was it like? Did it hurt? Or did it... was it just...” Levi couldn't put it into words. He knew what he wanted to ask-- it was a question that had haunted him for years and years-- but actually asking it and receiving an answer felt... dangerous.

For a long time, Eren said nothing. Then, he sat up and pushed gently at Levi's shoulder until he rolled over onto his back. Eren stared down at him, eyes bright and far too sad. “Levi...” he started, but he became lost. Levi could already sense what was coming though and tried to look away, but Eren stopped him with one soft hand on his cheek. “Tell me honestly,” he said. “Do you want to die?”

Levi couldn’t meet Eren’s gaze. He closed his eyes. One would think that after twenty years of talking about this stuff to counselors and psychiatrists it would get easier, but it never did. “I'm not going to kill myself.”

Eren was not moved in the least by his words. His hand pressed down more firmly on Levi’s cheek, his fingers cupped tight along Levi’s jaw. “That's not what I asked you. Do you want to die?”

This was the part where Levi usually either got upset or forcibly changed the subject or talked his way around the answer. No one—not even Erwin—had ever managed to squeeze the answer from him, although Levi was certain Erwin, at least, knew it all the same. But Eren—Eren had eyes made of gold and the kind of inhuman patience that could only be forged from nearly eight decades of unchanging solitude. Eren waited and waited, never blinking, never sighing in frustration, until finally Levi couldn’t stop the truth from slipping past his lips.

“ ...Yeah.”

=====

The day before Levi decided to move, he told his work supervisor that he’d be taking tomorrow off. Nothing major, Levi assured her. Just need a short break. He rarely requested time off, so she agreed immediately despite the short notice. She told him to enjoy himself.

That evening, he went for a drive. At a long red light, he texted Erwin, telling him not to call later like he usually did each night. Levi said he had to wake up early the next morning and would be turning in shortly. This wasn’t anything too unusual, since Levi occasionally translated international conference calls. Erwin wished him a good night.

Levi drove to the outskirts of the city. He stopped his car at an unremarkable location some fifty feet away from the tracks of a cargo train, where the trees and bushes obscured his vehicle from view. He got out of the car and turned off his phone, leaving it on the seat. He put his car keys on top of the roof in plain sight and then walked out towards the tracks.

This wasn’t his first time there. He’d visited before, watching the trains run by. The company that owned it kept all their trains operating on a very strict schedule. A cargo train roared across these tracks at this spot at 8:33 every Thursday. Levi had noted the time on his previous visits, checking both the clock on his phone and on the car radio.

That Thursday was his fourth visit. It was the first time he got out of the car. The first time he walked up to where the tracks stretched across the land. It was 8:31.

He’d read about it online. He’d looked up how fast this company’s cargo trains traveled, how much time it would take to brake and slow down. It was more than fast enough, more than enough time. 

And Levi was far enough from the city core that everything around him was silent. A few birds in the nearby trees, some crickets. Other than that, he was alone. That was where his mother went wrong. His  _ bibi  _ had been just one room away. Levi had been just one room away. She still managed it, despite the interruption, but her mother-in-law’s hands clamped tight around her bleeding arms, her screams for Levi to call 911, had botched what his mother had surely intended to be a quiet exit.

There was little room for error here. Levi breathed in slowly and turned his head to look down to the point where the tracks disappeared into the horizon. 

At 8:32, he heard the train coming. He closed his eyes, waited, breathed one more time, and stepped out of the trees. He went up onto the tracks.

The next day, he was miles away from the tracks, staring at apartment listings online. He hadn’t been saved. No sudden epiphany had stopped him. He’d just heard the train coming and realized that he didn’t want to be found like that—smeared across the tracks or crushed to the train’s underbelly. It was too public, too messy. And he didn’t want some poor schmuck to get in trouble with his boss for failing some useless safety protocol or to have nightmares for weeks. So he stepped off the tracks, got back in his car, and drove home with the train roaring behind him.

If he couldn’t do it in public, a new apartment was the solution. He already lived alone and could easily do whatever he wanted without interruption. However, if he did anything there, then before long someone would come in and discover his body. That someone would almost undoubtedly be Erwin. He didn’t want them to find him. He’d seen what finding a body you once loved could do to a person, had seen what it’d done to his  _ bibi.  _ Knew all too well what it’d done to him.

A new apartment in a city where no one knew him. That was the answer. By the time he was found and Erwin arrived after being called, he would’ve already been cleaned up, made as presentable as possible. That wouldn’t be as bad. He hoped so, at least.

He’d clicked on probably a hundred different listings before it occurred to him just what he was doing. And what the fuck was he doing? Hadn’t he promised his  _ bibi _ , promised her only hours after his mother was put into the ground that he wouldn’t follow her there? Hadn’t he sworn to Erwin that he would take better care of himself, tried to convince Erwin that he could look after himself, even as he recovered from a brush with death that was a direct result of his own negligence?

What the  _ fuck _ was he doing?

He slammed the laptop lid shut and left it that way for most of the day. He paced the length of his rooms up and down like a caged leopard, head empty of everything except  _ What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck. _

Maybe he should’ve called Erwin or Mike and asked for help. Maybe he should’ve dug out  _ amm _ ’s phone number and told him he’d been right about Levi all along, he was weak and sick and needy just like his mother. Fuck, maybe he should’ve checked himself into a hospital.

But what he did instead was open up his laptop. What he did was decide that maybe moving wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

The one thing all his attempts at getting better had in common—besides failing—was that they’d all been in Detroit, in familiar surroundings, with Erwin constantly at hand. And while Erwin sure as hell wasn’t the cause of his depression, a lot of the time having him around still made Levi worse. 

It wasn’t any fault of Erwin’s. Fuck, Erwin had done more for Levi than anyone besides his  _ bibi _ . But when you were already lying flat on your back in the gutter, it didn’t do you any good to be constantly looking up at something you would never have.

So he’d get away from Erwin, at least for a while. Put some space between them and finally get over his damn high school crush. And maybe moving and seeing new things would give him some perspective or a different outlook, help him do something about the bruising weight of his depression.

He made of list of all the reasons why moving was a good idea. He made it partly to convince Erwin and partly to convince himself that he wasn’t just doing it for his first reason, the worst reason that he could never let anyone know.

But, well. If it didn’t work out—if getting some space to clear his head made no difference at all— that original reason still stood strong: at least Erwin wouldn’t be the one to find him.

======

Eren didn’t seem at all surprised by Levi’s answer. He just looked at Levi for a moment with that wide, soul-bearing state. Slowly, he withdrew his hand from Levi’s face and lowered himself so that he was laying on top of Levi, just barely propped up by his elbows. His forehead dropped down to press against Levi’s. 

“Why?”

The whispered word washed over Levi like a kiss. He made himself be firm. “I answered your question. Answer mine.”

Eren pulled back just enough to regard him, his face hard like Levi had never seen it before. “It was horrible. I choked on the smoke until I passed out, but I woke again when the fire began to burn me. The last thing I saw was the skin melting off my hands. I died screaming myself raw.” Eren paused. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

No. Levi looked away.

Eren sighed. Hesitantly, he combed his fingers through Levi’s hair, his touch becoming more confident when Levi didn’t reject him. “Maybe death is a relief for some people. People who have been in pain for too long,” he said. “But it wasn’t for me. I wanted-- very much-- to live.”

“I-- I want that. I want to want to live,” Levi said. He grabbed Eren’s hand, squeezing it hard. “But I’ve tried everything-- the doctors, the medications, the therapies, the fucking diets-- and I’m so tired of trying. I’m  _ so tired _ . Every day I wake up and there’s nothing inside-- no happiness, no sadness, just exhaustion. Whenever I start to think I’m feeling different, feeling better, it gets snatched away. How am I-- how is anyone supposed to want to live like that?”

Levi realized, suddenly, that if Eren had any flesh or bones in his fingers, he would be crushing them. He dropped Eren’s hand as if it burned. Eren let it drop down onto the pillow beside Levi’s head. They were both silent for a while, at least until Levi’s throat began to itch. Eren moved off of Levi’s chest as he coughed, instead curling around Levi’s side like a vine. He held him as he coughed, stroking gently up and down Levi’s spine. Finally, Levi was able to breathe and Eren’s hand stilled on his back.

“I don’t have any answers for you,” Eren said. “But if that’s what you want, don’t you have to keep living? Every day you are alive is a new chance that things might change. If you die, you lose that.”

Eren’s eyes were almost too bright to look at in the dark. Levi did his best to meet his gaze. “I told you already,” he said, “I’m not gonna kill myself.”

Eren took Levi’s hand and—with an expression of utmost concentration— gently spread Levi’s fingers to slide his own in-between. He pulled their twinned hands toward his chest, where his heart should have been beating, and pressed them there. “Don't give up, Levi,” he said, eyes shining gold. “You deserve to be happy and it is awful that you have to fight so hard for it, but I want you to keep trying.”

Levi didn’t think there was anything that he could change just trying. It wasn’t like he could fix his brain chemistry just by wanting to really hard. However, it was an immutable fact that nothing would change if he just gave up. “...All right,” he said. He could promise Eren he’d try. He’d already promised Erwin after all, years ago, and his  _ bibi _ years before that. What was one more promise?

Eren smiled, not his usual beaming ear-to-ear grin, but something much sadder and softer. Slowly, so Levi could pull away if he wanted to, he raised their hands to his mouth and kissed each of Levi’s knuckles. “I wish I knew how to help you,” he said, laying one more kiss on the back of Levi’s hand before letting it go. “So it wouldn’t be so hard.”

His expression was too earnest-- Levi couldn't bear to look at it. He wound his own arms around Eren, squeezing hard enough that Eren grunted in surprise, and pressed his face into Eren's chest. "You help," Levi muttered, so soft he wasn't sure Eren could even hear.

Eren held him tight and didn't speak another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER: Erwin and Mike make their long anticipated appearance (most likely)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which expected and unexpected visitors arrive upon Levi's doorstep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aghhh, I am honestly so tired of looking at this chapter, so! I'm posting it without proofreading! I'll look at it tomorrow when I have life again, sorry.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy what is most likely the last GUTG update of 2016. It's been a long year, but the end is in sight. We're nearing the end of GUTG too-- about four more chapters to go. Thanks for following this fic so far.

Somehow-- miraculously-- Levi got his shit together. He even finished work early enough on the day Erwin and Mike were scheduled to arrive to give the apartment one final cleaning. Eren watched from the couch, clearly amused. “There's nothing left to clean. What are you doing?” he remarked.

“ There's always something to clean,” Levi shot back. In truth, however, he was really just going through the motions to soothe his nerves. “And try not to talk to me too much when they're here, you'll make me look weird if I keep getting distracted.”

Eren rolled his eyes, but agreed.

Levi soon ran out of things to clean and began getting dinner ready. His energy was fast flagging and not in the mood to cook at all, but Erwin and Mike probably wouldn't feel like eating out after spending the day traveling. When he'd gone shopping the day before, he'd had grand ambitions to serve a pot roast-- relatively easy and one of Mike's favorites. But as he stared into the fridge now, the thought of chopping all those potatoes and carrots and onions and celery exhausted him.

“ What's the matter?” Eren asked from the counter behind Levi.

“ What's something good to eat that doesn't involve a lot of effort?”

Eren screwed up his face and thought for a long time. “Hot dogs and beans?” he suggested. “Oh, and when we could get some apples, they were really good baked with some sugar and cinnamon in the middle.”

Levi remembered he was asking someone whose last living memories were of the Great Depression and decided he should stop feeling sorry for himself and get to work. “You think you could chop up an onion?”

Eren could, in fact, chop up an onion. He frowned at the knife for a while before picking it up, wrapping his fingers around it with care. He held the onion with his other hand and-- after a few false starts-- managed to start chopping. It was slow and shaky, but it worked. He grinned at Levi, who pretended that he'd been deeply immersed in his work with the potatoes and not watching the play of emotion across Eren's face.

“ What about the celery though?”

Between the two of them, the chopping didn't take so long after all. Levi was still a bit sick, so he scrubbed his hands clean between each step and made sure not to breathe on anything. When he finished with the celery, Eren perched on the counter and watched as Levi prepped and browned the meat, then combined all of the ingredients in a giant casserole dish for cooking.

“ That should be done by the time they get here,” Levi said as he slid the dish into the oven. The cooking had worn him out, so he flopped down onto the couch to rest for a few minutes. He yawned, then sniffled. “This damn cold needs to fuck off,” he muttered.

Eren leaned against the couch arm to stare down at him. “Why don't you take a nap?”

“ No,” Levi said, the word broken by another yawn. “I need to...” But he couldn't think of what it was he had to do.

Eren's fingers carded through his hair. “I'll wake you up, don't worry,” he promised as his fingers traced the shell of Levi's ear.

Levi shivered, but mumbled his assent. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the strange sensation of Eren's hollow fingers petting his hair until he fell asleep.

When Eren woke him a couple hours later, Levi felt as though he'd slept for a century. Levi blinked up at him, wondering why he was in the living room and not his bedroom. “What's going on?” he asked, the syllables slurring together.

“ Two people are in the hallway,” Eren repeated. “I think it's--”

The knock at the door interrupted him. For a moment, they both turned to stare at the door. Then Levi took a deep breath in, let it out, and went to answer it.

Erwin and Mike stood on the doorstep, looking travel-worn but content. Levi barely got a carefully casual “Hey,” out before Mike leaned down-- way down-- to squeeze him in a tight bear hug.

“ It's so good to see you, little man,” Mike said, clapping him on the back twice before releasing him. Then he sniffed once and asked, “Are you making pot roast?”

Levi stumbled backwards a half step as he was let go. “Yeah,” he said, regaining his balance. “It should be about done, if you want to check it.”

“ Smells done,” Mike commented, brushing past him towards the kitchen as though he'd visited Levi's apartment hundreds of times.

From the couch, Eren watched Mike walk by, then turned to Levi to mouth at him, “Little man?”

Levi ignored him. It was an old nickname, one that Mike had given him just minutes after Levi had come out to him in high school, saying it with such ease that it completely soothed Levi's tangled nerves. Mike had been the very first person Levi actually deliberately come out to as trans and to this day Levi did not think he could've picked a better person.

Erwin seemed caught between hugging Levi too or shaking his hand like Levi was an attorney from a rival law firm. He compromised by reaching out to clasp Levi's shoulder. “You were sleeping?” He phrased it like a question, but it was clearly a statement of fact. He was looking at Levi's hair and Levi realized he must have some serious bedhead.

“ Just taking a nap,” Levi said, making an attempt to flatten his hair.

Erwin's fingers curled tighter around his shoulder. “It is good to see you,” he said quietly. When he said it, it wasn't anything like Mike's greeting. It was more like an affirmation.

The polite thing to do would have been to return the statement, but Levi wasn't sure if it was the truth. He didn't want to lie to Erwin any more than he'd already done. All Levi could do was nod in reply.

“ This smells really good, Levi,” Mike called from the kitchen. Mike was a far better cook than Levi, so it was some pretty high praise. “Can we eat? I'm starving.”

Levi brushed Erwin's hand off his shoulder, not unkindly. “Don't get started without us,” he yelled back. Mike still had the appetite of a college freshman and would easily demolish the entire pot roast on his own if left alone with it long enough.

“ Relax, I'm setting the table! Where's your steak knives?”

That was a good question, considering Historia had been the one to put all the silverware away. Levi went to the kitchen to help Mike, Erwin on his heels. When he stepped into the kitchen, Eren was perched on the counter and pointing at a drawer. Levi pulled it open and discovered where his steak knives had gone.

They'd all eaten dinner together literally hundreds of times and it was easy to settle into old patterns. Mike, ever helpful and always the most eager to start eating, filling up everyone's plate. Erwin getting water for everyone-- no ice for Levi, lots of ice for Mike, and exactly four cubes for himself. The familiarity of it helped Levi unwind. Before long, he found himself grinning at Mike's dumb jokes and the fussy way Erwin picked out all of his carrots to eat separately.

Levi had been worried about seeing both of them together, thinking that it might hurt more. But he was relieved that Mike was there to defuse the tension between Levi and Erwin with his unassuming friendliness. Mike took up so much space in the room with just his presence that there was nowhere for all the complicated bullshit and things said and unsaid to sit down.

“ You should get a dog,” Mike told Levi very seriously. “It'd give you a reason to go outside and walk around more. Dogs are a great way to meet people too. And it'd keep you company.”

Levi rolled his eyes. Mike's Operation Get Levi a Dog campaign was years old. “You think dogs are the solution for everything.” 

“ A dog would help with your security too,” Erwin pointed out.

“ I'm perfectly secure,” Levi insisted. “Got a bat in the apartment, met the neighbors, and everything.” He hadn't met all his neighbors-- far from it-- but he could recognize most of them by face no problem and he was sure they knew who he was too. He'd met Ymir and Historia so thoroughly that they surely counted as extra.

Mike jerked his thumb in the direction of Ymir and Historia's apartment. “Are those the college girls you've been talking about? The ones with the weird names?”

Ymir wasn't that odd of a name, but Levi had to admit that Historia was fairly strange. “Yeah.”

“ I like them,” Mike declared. “They're nice.”

“ You haven't even met them.”

Mike shrugged and Erwin explained, “They've been nice to you. You should introduce us to them. I'd like to meet them.”

“ Maybe,” Levi hedged. He always felt awkward introducing people, preferring to keep social circles separate. It started with being reluctant to bring people home, not wanting to explain why he lived with only his grandmother. Since then, it'd developed into an odd way of maintaining his privacy. He hadn't introduced Mike to Erwin for nine years, despite knowing them for roughly the same amount of time.

He especially didn't want Ymir meeting Erwin after what he'd told her about him.

Thankfully, they let the subject drop.

When Mike excused himself to use the restroom, Erwin remarked in a low voice, “You've lost weight.”

“ No, I haven't.” There was no way, not with all the delivery and takeout and junk food he'd ate since moving.

“ You have,” Erwin said, soft but firm. “And you’re sick, aren’t you?”

Damn. Levi should’ve known Erwin would pick up on the slightest sniffle. Erwin wouldn’t drop this subject as easily as he'd let the last one go. “What's your point?”

“ I'm not trying to make a point, Levi,” Erwin said. “Just please take care of yourself. You don't look well.”

“ I sleep, I eat, I get my work done on time. Fuck, I even leave the apartment a couple times a week. What more do you want out of me?”

Erwin frowned, just the slightest twitch of his lip’s right corner. It was the frown he made when he was trying not to sigh aloud. Levi hated it.  “ I want you to not settle for so little,” Erwin said.

“ I'm not-- I'm not  _ settling _ .” Across the room, Eren’s eyes widened at Levi’s volume. Shit, he hadn’t meant to raise his voice. Lower, he hissed, “You think I like being like this? You think I just decided one day, 'Hey, being depressed sounds like a fucking blast, why don't I do that for the rest of my life?'”

“ That's not what I think, Levi, and you know it. I just wish you--- that you’d go to therapy again or give medication another shot or even just get a dog. I want you to try more.”

This was starting to sound like his conversation with Eren. Sure enough, he saw Eren nodding from his counter perch, just over Erwin’s shoulder. Eren, however, had struck when Levi was sick and sleepy; Levi was much less receptive now. Besides, he had plenty of practice arguing with Erwin. Levi glared at both of them. “I am trying. I've been trying every fucking day of my life.”

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. It was the first true sign of his frustration and Levi couldn't help but regard it with a small measure of triumph. When Erwin finally lowered his hand, he looked more tired than Levi had seen him in years. “I'm not discrediting your efforts, Levi. I know that these things are harder for you than they are for me.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “All I'm trying to say is that you deserve more. And you are the only person that can make things better for yourself. I can try to help. Mike can try to help. But at the end of the day, the only person who can make any real impact is you.”

Levi scowled. He knew that what Erwin was saying was essentially true. But, Erwin just didn't--  _ couldn't _ \-- understand how useless such truths were in the face of Levi’s depression. So instead of arguing, Levi just said, “I don't want to fight with you. So just… could you not bring this shit up? I get that you’re worried, but can we just have some normal fucking conversation for a while? I’m sick of talking about how sick I am.”

Erwin regarded him for a long moment. Finally, he said, “I don’t want to fight with you either.”

It wasn’t quite a full agreement, but Levi would take it.

=====

When Mike finally emerged from the restroom-- no doubt he’d been deliberately avoiding the charged conversation-- they started clearing the dishes away and plotting for the weekend. Mike, predictably, wanted to go to the Philadelphia Zoo. (“It’s the oldest in America! You can ride camels!”) Erwin was interested in the National Constitution Center, which sounded dreadfully dull to Levi but he didn’t protest. It wasn’t like he’d explored the city well enough to make more insightful suggestions.

Settling on firm plans for Saturday morning took far too long and it look even longer to semi-politely usher Erwin and Mike out of the apartment. By the time they finally left for their hotel, Levi was drained and a headache was pounding out dull threat in his skull. Exhausted, he collapsed onto his bed without brushing his teeth or washing up at all. He’d just have to do an extra good job tomorrow.

Eren settled on the bed beside him and touched Levi’s temple right where it was throbbing hardest. How he knew, Levi had no idea.“Should you take something for that?”

“It’s fine, I’m just gonna go to sleep anyway.”

Eren hummed, his thumb rubbing languid circles against Levi’s skin. Levi found himself leaning into the touch. Eren’s fingers were cool and hollow, but they eased Levi’s headache away.

“How did you meet those two?” Eren asked. “I can’t imagine what you all would have had in common.”

“High school. Mike was two grades ahead of me, but I had home economics with him. We were partners for some project early on and after it was over...” Levi shrugged. “He just kept talking to me. It’s hard not to be friends with Mike once he decides he likes you.” He still had no idea what he’d done to make Mike liked him though.

Eren thought this over, one cheek pressed against the pillow in a way that would put a kink in his neck if he had an actual body. “What about Erwin?” he asked.

“Erwin was in my grade. Everyone knew who he was; he always stood out.” Erwin had been too outspoken, even for a high schooler, to fly under anyone’s radar. The fact that he was obscenely smart, athletic, and handsome only increased his visibility. In theory, Erwin should’ve been popular and well-liked, but in practice he tended to unnerve people once they spoke to him for longer than a couple of minutes. “I started talking to him because he was tutoring me in English. I'm not too good with essays and shit like that. That's why I stick to translating medical documents instead poetry or novels or whatever.”

“ How'd you two get to be friends?”

Levi had wondered himself for a long time. He didn’t know when or how exactly their relationship made the transition from sitting stiffly in the library after school to Erwin carrying heavy grocery bags up the stairs for his  _ bibi _ , but it somehow happened and it somehow kept growing and changing. “It just sort of happened. We were both weirdos in school, so maybe that’s how.”

Eren stared at him, unblinking. There was just enough light pooling in through the window to make his eyes gleam gold. “He's very protective of you,” he murmured.

Levi snorted. “I've noticed. Overprotective, some much say.”

Softly, Eren smiled. He pulled his hand away from Levi so he could scoot closer. They were sharing the same pillow now, faces close enough that they’d be breathing the same air if Eren was living. He waited a moment to see if Levi would back and-- when Levi didn’t-- he returned his hand to Levi, fitting his fingers to area just above Levi’s hip and below his rib cage. 

“Erwin doesn’t seem like the type to worry without reason.”

He wasn’t. Caught between Eren’s gentle hand and his too-close eyes, something like a confession fell from Levi’s tongue.  “ He's seen me land in the hospital twice. First time wasn't my fault, some assholes roughed me up. Second time was all me though. Got caught up in my head and forgot to take care of my body.” Levi made himself laugh, but it sounded fake even to him. “...This was all years and years ago, but he feels kind of responsible for me, I guess. Thinks since I don’t take care of myself and there’s no one else around to help, he’s got to do it for me.”

“ You take care of yourself,” Eren said. Levi scoffed and Eren amended himself. “Okay, maybe not very well sometimes. But you’re here, aren’t you? That’s what matters.”

“I suppose.”    
Eren stroked a long line down Levi’s flank, just barely skimming over the skin. It sent warm waves coursing through him, like the gentle laps of a calm sea. The touch might’ve been arousing if Levi wasn’t bone-tired. Instead, he found himself sinking slowly into a deep sleep, Eren’s familiar face appearing and disappearing between heavy blinks.

Just before he slipped under, he heard Eren whisper in the dark, “I’m glad you’re here.”

=====

Mike fucking loved the zoo. Levi wasn’t surprised in the least because he was already well-aware of Mike’s unending love for all creatures. But that didn’t make it any less amusing to watch as the giant man flitted from exhibit to exhibit, spouting random animal facts like“Look at those sea otters! They're holding hands so they won't drift away while they sleep!” and “Did you know that elephant shrews are more closely related to elephants than to shrews?”

“ How is that even possible?” Levi muttered, leaning closer to examine the tiny, furry creature that was apparently called an elephant shrew. The elephant shrew twitched its long nose at him as if expressing its own puzzlement.

“ Ah, he's getting away again,” Erwin announced, turning his head to track Mike's retreating back through the crowds.

Although he was considerate in nearly every other facet of his life, Mike was terrible about remembering how long his stride was. His endless legs could carry him far away from Levi before Levi could even take a few steps. Unwilling to jog through the zoo after Mike, Levi stuck with Erwin, who was more mindful about these things. They worked their way through the exhibits at their own pace, Mike occasionally looping back to them to tell them about whichever animal they absolutely had to see in the next area. By the time the sun was high in the sky and they decided they were done with the zoo, Levi was certain Mike must’ve seen every animal at least twice.

They hit up the National Constitution Center next. It wasn’t as boring as Levi thought it would be (not to mention it was air conditioned, unlike the zoo.) Even still, there was only so much history and civics he could take. Erwin became absorbed in reading each and every placard, lingering at displays long after Levi was done with them. So this time it was Levi who struck out on his own, skipping ahead to the more interesting looking displays while Mike cast him wan looks across the room from Erwin's side.

Once, Levi glanced back and saw them holding hands. Erwin's head was bent over a placard and Mike was watching him read with an embarrassingly sappy grin on his face. Erwin looked up at Mike to point out something to him in the placard text, his manners eager, his expression as open and unguarded as it ever got. Any stranger passing by could see how in love they were.

Levi stared unnoticed for a moment before turning away to give them their privacy.

It didn’t hurt after all, seeing them together. 

Yesterday, Levi had been too preoccupied with his nerves and rehashing old arguments with Erwin to realize, but the truth of it thundered through him now. It didn’t hurt anymore.

Levi didn't know if the lack of pain was because he was so depressed that he was beyond caring or because he was actually starting to let go. Either way, it didn't really matter. This was what he'd wanted when he moved away-- or one of the things he'd wanted, anyway.

Levi glanced back at Erwin and Mike again, watching as they leaned towards each other unconsciously, occupying a shared space. Erwin was happy. Erwin was happy with Mike and Levi was... he was okay with that. Truly, genuinely okay.

It'd taken him awhile to get there, but somehow he'd finally arrived. His whole body was strangely light, as if someone had lifted a crushing weight from his chest.

Suddenly, Erwin began twisting his neck around, searching for Levi among the tourists and exhibit staff, so Levi walked back towards his friends. When Erwin spotted his approaching, he released Mike's hand and shifted away from him ever so slightly. But Levi caught his gaze and shook his head. Erwin raised one eyebrow, but took a half step back towards Mike, hand brushing against the other man's.

“ I'm starving,” Levi told them once he was close enough that he wouldn't have to shout. “Are you about ready to go?”

“... That's fine with me,” Erwin said. Levi could practically see the gear in his head turning as he picked apart Levi's expression and body language. He let him do it. Mike began saying something about wanting to cook, but Levi was focused upon the cautious grin slowly spreading across Erwin's face. Levi deliberately shot a smile back at him-- quick and unsteady, but honest-- and Erwin completed his own, broad and bright.

It was the first time in a long time that Levi had been able to put a smile on his face.

“What are you two grinning about?” Mike asked. “I know my cooking’s good, but this is a little ridiculous.”

“Ah, but I’ve missed your cooking,” Levi said. “Come on, let’s go back to the apartment so you can feed me.”

Erwin and Mike chattered endlessly about their other plans for their visit during the drive back. Levi only half-listened, still basking in his earlier realization. He knew the good mood couldn’t last long, so he wanted to savor every bit of it while he could.

The conversation shifted to what they should eat for lunch by the time they arrived at the apartment building and started up the stairs. Mike was interrogating Levi about the contents of his fridge and cabinets as they climbed the stairs when he was interrupted by a familiar voice from up above.

“Levi! There you are!”

Levi craned his neck. There, standing on the landing just over them and looking strangely small with their usual armload of equipment, was Dr. Hange.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi doesn't like what he's hearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is my fifth month on T! Tomorrow is also one month away from my 25th birthday!

The professor waved frantically at Levi from up above. Then they took in Erwin and Mike and stopped. “You said before this was a good time for you, but I guess I should’ve called ahead,” Dr. Hange said.

Levi resisted the urge to seize Erwin and Mike by their wrists and drag them back down the stairs. “No, it’s my fault. I have company over, I should’ve warned you my schedule would be different.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Dr. Hange bounded down towards them two steps at a time. “I’m just glad I caught you! I finished the analysis and-- well, it’s urgent. I rushed right over here.”

“Great,” Levi gritted out, keenly aware that Erwin was absorbing every word and likely drawing at least five different conclusions. Deciding that it’d be best to head off Erwin’s wilder speculations, he gestured between the professor and the two men behind him. “Dr. Hange, this is Erwin and Mike, friends of mine. Guys, this is Dr. Hange. They’re a professor at one of the local universities who’s been… consulting with me.”

“For your translation work?” Erwin asked.

“Translation? God no!” Dr. Hange laughed. “I barely survived high school Latin.” They fished out their wallet and withdrew two business cards, handing one each to Erwin and Mike. “I teach physics at the school and in my sadly very limited free I--”

“--I’ve seen you before!” Mike interrupted. “You were in that documentary about the Baleroy Mansion. Remember, I was watching it the day before we left?” He turned to Erwin, who was still scrutinizing the business card.

“Parapsychology,” Erwin read aloud. He looked up finally, face politely blank. “That’s the study of the paranormal, isn’t it?”   
Dr. Hange frowned, clearly picking up the note of dismissal in Erwin’s voice. They didn’t comment on it. “Ghosts, mostly-- for me anyway. I’m not convinced yet on psychics and whatnot. Levi asked me to come out and check up on a ghost that was giving him trouble.”

The three of them all turned to look at Levi. They waited. Finally, Levi said, “Yeah.” 

Erwin’s face remained impassive, but Mike raised an eyebrow. “Ghost?” he asked. “Is that why you called me in the middle of the night that one time?”

If a bolt of lightning crashed through the roof and into the stairwell, striking Levi dead on the spot, he would’ve called it a blessing. 

“Yeah. Look, let’s get inside the apartment,” he said, not wanting to chance anyone else bearing witness to his torture.

Dr. Hange opened their mouth as though to protest, but snapped it shut. All four of them trooped up to Levi’s floor, Mike asking Dr. Hange curious questions about their work that they answered with an uncharacteristic lack of enthusiasm. Levi could feel Erwin’s gaze burning a hole into the back of his head as he unlocked the front door.

Eren was there, of course, perched on the couch. He peered at Dr. Hange before flicking his gaze over to Levi. “What’s going on?” he asked. “Are they back with the results?”

Levi couldn’t answer with everyone around. Dr. Hange stilled beside him and turned to look in Eren’s direction. Behind their glasses, their eyes narrowed until they were little more than piercing slivers.

Eren froze.

“Should I go ahead and get lunch started?” Mike asked. Levi nodded and Mike ambled off to the kitchen. Erwin stayed in place, arms folded over his chest.

Dr. Hange was still squinting at the couch, exactly where Eren was sitting. Their eyes couldn’t qute lock onto to him.

Levi cleared his throat loudly. “So what’s going on?”

Reluctantly, Dr. Hange looked away. “Like I said, I finished the analysis. Did some more research too. This kind of haunting is rare, so I wanted to be as sure as possible.”

“Of what?”

“You’re in danger, Levi.”

In the corner of Levi’s vision, he saw Eren’s face pale. Erwin’s stare burned harder into Levi’s skull. He should’ve sent Erwin and Mike up to the apartment alone. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, trying not to watch Eren too obviously. 

Dr. Hange pushed a sloppy fall of hair out of their face. “I suspected that this might be the case a while ago, but I didn’t want to alarm you if I was wrong. But the data and the stories I found while researching your place are both pointing in the same direction.”

“Which is?”

“Well-- this apartment has seen an usually high number of deaths. I suppose no one noticed it before since everyone who died was either already ill, quite old, or very young, but-- did you hear about the tenant right before you?”

Fuck, not this again. Eren shrank backwards out of Levi’s periphery vision until he was little more than a dull smudge. Levi ached to turn his head.

“Some guy named Rod, right? The neighbors mentioned him.”

“Did you ever speak to him?” Dr Hange asked. Levi shook his head. “I called him. Rod said he started to feel sick about a year after living here. Headaches, exhaustion, dizziness. It kept getting worse, so he went to see four different doctors, but they didn’t have anything to tell him. Finally, one day he fainted going down the stairs and wound up in the hospital.”

“What’s your point?”

“Rod moved out of here right after being released from the hospital. He told me he’s felt fine ever since.”

“It’s an old building,” Erwin commented. His tone was light, but face might as well have been chiseled in stone. “There could be bad lead paint on the walls or asbestos in the vents. Or maybe this Rod was misdiagnosed. There’s plenty of reasonable explanations.”

Dr. Hange glared. “Look, I’m not here to debate anyone. I’m just reporting the facts as I see them because Levi asked me for help.” They turned back to face Levi and told him, “No other unit in this building has a history like this one does. I’ve read plenty of case studies of ghosts sapping energy from plants to fuel themselves; I even exorcised a ghost that was living off of a hydrangea bush once. It’s not a huge leap to consider that maybe ghosts can do the same with human beings.”

Levi’s skin itched with the need to look over at Eren, but there was no time for even a quick glance. Both Erwin and Dr. Hange were fixated on him. “Then why hasn’t anyone else reported seeing a ghost here? Rod didn’t mention anything about a ghost, did he?”

“It may have been relatively inactive for many years and has only recently taken in enough energy to manifest itself in any way. That would line up perfectly with my data-- the second set I recorded was much stronger than the first, almost exponentially so. Whatever is here is getting stronger.”

Dr. Hange stopped, took a breath, and squared their shoulders. Levi had never seen them look so grave. “And that’s why you’re in danger. You may not feel the effects right away since you’re in your prime, age-wise, and you’re not sick. But if I’m right and the ghost is sapping energy from you, you-- well, you could end up in very bad shape, very fast.”

“All right,” Erwin said. Like a mountain shifting, he finally unfolded his arms from his chest. “That’s quite enough of this nonsense. I think it’s time that you go.”

“Erwin.” Mike’s voice rang out from the kitchen, unusually sharp. “Don’t be rude.”

“Levi doesn’t need his head to filled with this ridiculous fear-mongering. Besides, we’re trying to eat lunch here.”

Mike didn’t argue with that.

Erwin started to usher Dr. Hange towards the door, but they locked their legs and stared Levi down with hard eyes. “You lied to me before, didn’t you?”

“About what?”

“You have been speaking to it.”

Levi didn’t reply.

That was enough of an answer for Dr. Hange. Their lips twisted tight for a moment before finally loosening. “I’ve only known one other case of a ghost that could speak with humans,” they said slowly. “I thought at first that my little sister Marcy just had an imaginary friend she was always talking to. But then it started telling her things that couldn’t have come out of her own head and I realized it must be something more. I tried telling my parents that the garden was haunted, that  _ Marcy _ was haunted, but they didn’t listen to me. Not until she was found lying in the dirt between the tomato rows. Marcy didn’t have a mark on her.” 

No one said anything for a long moment.

Dr. Hange glanced between Erwin and Levi before shaking off Erwin’s hands. They went to the door on their own. “You’ve got my number if you need me.”

Once the professor had disappeared down the hall, Erwin sprung on Levi.

“Ghosts?” he asked. “Do you really think your apartment is haunted, Levi?”

“It seemed like a possibility,” Levi hedged. “There were strange noises at first and then-- you know what, never mind. You’ve already decided you don’t believe it.” 

Now that Dr. Hange was gone, Levi risked a sideways glance over at the couch. But Eren was gone. Fuck.

“I don’t believe in because ghosts don’t exist,” Erwin said, brandishing one massive hand. “If you’ve been hearing or seeing things, it’s far more likely that--”

“--Don’t you dare say that I’m crazy,” Levi snapped. “I know you think I’m totally mental, but don’t you dare fucking say it.”

Erwin stilled, stunned into momentary silence.

“I wasn’t going to say that,” he said, quiet. “Levi, I’ve never thought that.”

He looked genuinely hurt, lips dipping ever so slightly into a frown and brow pinched together. Levi immediately felt like a complete asshole. He was projecting-- Erwin never treated him like he was crazy (sick, sure, but never unhinged.) But Levi didn’t know what to say to take back his sharp words.

Mike, helpful as always, broke the tension. He came out of the kitchen and stepped between, laying a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “I think what Erwin was going to say is that you might be a little stressed out.”

Levi sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “...That’s what the neighbors think too,” he admitted.

Mike patted his shoulder twice, then told Erwin, “And we don’t know for certain that ghosts are make believe. That professor sure seems to know a lot about them.”

“People know a lot about Lord of the Rings, but that doesn’t make it world history,” Erwin said.

“I’m just saying that we shouldn’t totally discount the possibility. Have you ever studied ghosts, Erwin? No? Then I’d say Dr. Hange is the expert, not you.”

Erwin was obviously not convinced in the least, but he let the question of ghosts existing drop. “Have you been ill?” he asked Levi. “Because if you have, you should see a doctor-- ghost or no ghost.”

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” Levi said. “I’m  _ fine _ . There was just some weird stuff going on and I heard that Dr. Hange might be able to tell me something about it. That’s all.”

Erwin’s eyes flicked over him from head to toe, but apparently he couldn’t find anything too horribly wrong with Levi because he let Mike distract him with lunch talk. When the two of them went into the kitchen, Levi slipped away to investigate the apartment. 

Eren was nowhere to be seen.

In fact, Eren did not make an appearance for the rest of the day, not even after Erwin and Mike finally left for the night. Once they were gone, Levi called for him-- quietly so Ymir and Historia wouldn't hear-- but he didn’t emerge. Defeated, Levi curled up in bed alone for the first time in days.

He was so tired that his bones ached, but it took him almost all night to fall asleep.

======

He woke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Levi sprung out of bed and sprinted to the kitchen. There was a hot pot of joe ready to be drank like always, but no Eren. Levi ignored the coffee and re-checked the apartment for any other signs of Eren, but there were none.

“Just get the fuck out here,” Levi commanded the empty living room. “I know you’re still here-- you can’t leave.” He waited a moment, but there was no answer. “You don’t get to fucking make me coffee and then hide away the rest of the day, you asshole. Eren, I need--”

“Sorry,” Eren said from behind him. Levi spun around. Eren was seated on the very edge of the couch, his ten fingers knitted together in a large, loose fist. His face was pale and his floppy hair was all askew as though he’d been running his hands through it.

Something loosened in Levi’s chest at the sight of him. For a moment, he thought his heart might drop right into his stomach. “Sorry about what?”

“Dr. Hange--”

“--Don’t worry about that,” Levi told him. He sighed and sank down onto the couch beside Eren, exhausted without his usual caffeine fix. He didn’t want to chance going back for the coffee and Eren disappearing again.

“But they said--”   
“--Look, I’m not worrying about it, so you shouldn’t either.”

“Why aren’t you worried?” Eren demanded. “Dr. Hange said-- they think I could kill you! All those other people before you--”

“--Could be nothing more than a string of coincidences. Old people and babies die all the time without any supernatural influence. And Rod might’ve been sick with any number of things.”

“But Mikasa...”

Eren trailed off. Levi waited, then asked, “What about Mikasa?”

Eren sniffed-- an odd gesture since he didn’t need to breathe. He scrubbed at his eyes, though there was nothing there. “Mikasa could see me and talk to me. And she died.”

Ah, damn. Gently, Levi said, “She was also really old though. The nursing home didn’t think it was unusual at all.”

Eren shook his head. “But she said… she said she could  _ feel _ me. Like I was pulling her closer. I didn’t understand what she meant, but...” He broke off. His shoulders shook once, twice. They didn’t stop. Without any air in his lungs or tears in his eyes, Eren cried. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he bit out, the words broken between sobs. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Levi couldn’t watch. He took Eren’s chin in his hand, fingers pressing tight to grip his empty skin. “You’re not hurting me. You-- Eren, listen to me.” Levi cupped both sides of Eren’s face, leaning in until his forehead pressed against Eren’s. “You’re  _ not _ hurting me. You’ve been so good for me and even if you were hurting me, I wouldn’t care. I like you and I don’t want you to go, you hear me?”

Eren was still crying. But he dipped his head in a small nod. Levi let his hands drop down so that his arms were looped around Eren’s shoulders and back. Eren turned to tucked his face against Levi’s naked chest. Levi gave in to a long-time temptation and petted Eren’s ridiculous hair, smoothing it back into its usual appearance. 

Eventually, Eren’s shivering stopped. He stayed put against Levi though. “Hey,” he murmured.

“What?”

“You said you liked me.”

Levi’s ears ignited red-hot. “Yeah,” he managed. “You’re… pretty persistent.”

Erem finally lifted his face to look up at Levi. His smile was sad, so terribly melancholy that Levi nearly asked him what was wrong. But then Eren asked, “Would it be weird if I kissed you?” and Levi forgot all about it.

“...That’d probably be pretty weird.”

“Bad weird or good weird?”

That was a decent question, but Levi didn’t let himself think about it too much. He was tired of thinking; it never made him feel any better. Instead, he crossed the meager distance between them and kissed Eren.

Eren tasted like nothing in particular. His lips felt like the rest of him-- solid yet hollow, perfectly room temperature like he was a piece of furniture rather than a person. But Eren spread his lips slightly, making a soft sound of surprise, and kissed Levi back with his usual determined fervor. He didn’t touch Levi-- not until Levi cupped his neck and then Eren’s hands clung to Levi’s bare back, fingers scrabbling against his still sleep-warm skin, desperate, aching.

For the first time in a long time, everything was perfect.

When Levi pulled away, Eren groaned. Levi stroked his neck while he caught his breath; he was out of practice with the whole breathing through your nose thing. “Good,” Levi told him.

“Huh?” Eren’s eyes were heavy-lidded and shining like stars.

“I’d say that was good weird.”

“Oh.” Eren grinned. Levi suspected Eren would be blushing if it was possible. “Good. I’ve never-- you know, I never got to when I… Good. Does that mean we can do it again?”

Levi wasn’t meeting Erwin and Mike until noon, so he skipped his coffee and instead went back to bed. Usually when Levi laid in bed until late morning, it was because he didn’t have the will to get up and face until day. Laying in bed with Eren and exchanging lazy kisses was a much better use of his early hours. 

He got the hang of breathing through his nose again.

If Levi had thought Eren was touchy-feely before, it was nothing compared to now. He sunk his fingers into Levi’s hair and scratched gently at his skull. He traced the lines of Levi’s neck and shoulders with his knuckles. He placed his palm over one of Levi’s top surgery scars. Through it all, he stared at Levi, steadfast and unblinking. Finally, Levi had to ask, “What are you looking at, creep?”

“You,” Eren said. He finally stopped his staring in favor of nuzzling his nose along the side of Levi’s. “Your soul is the most marvelous thing I’ve ever seen.”

The sincerity ringing in Eren’s voice made something hard lodge in Levi’s throat. “Don’t--” he began, but he didn’t know how to finish. 

“I mean it. When I first saw you, I could see all of you so clearly. I knew right away that you were strong and loyal and kind--”

“--I’m not any of those things,” Levi protested. Eren sat up and scowled at him until finally he conceded. “Okay, maybe that’s the depression talking. But I’m not particularly... stronger or nicer than anyone else.”

Eren hummed quietly in disagreement, but he came back down and kissed the corner of Levi’s mouth instead of arguing. Levi allowed himself to be distracted for a few moments, glad for the embarrassing talk to be put aside. But as he ran his fingers through Eren’s hair, working it back into a messy bird’s nest, his curiousity got the better of him.

“What does it look like?”

Eren blinked, hazy gold eyes re-focusing on him. “Mm?”

“My soul. You said before that souls were suns, so bright you couldn’t look at them much. So… what is my soul like then?”

Pushing gently at Levi’s shoulder, Eren scooted back a few inches to get a better look at him. Levi tried not to squirm under his examination.

“Your soul… if others are like suns, then yours is the moon. It has these darker spots, but the whole thing just glows so nicely.” Eren slid his hand down from Levi’s shoulder to press against his heart. “...It’s beautiful,” he said and there was that strange, sad smile again.

Asking had been a terrible idea. Levi rubbed his face as if he could somehow wipe the embarrassment right off of it. “Is it dimmer than everyone else’s because I’m depressed?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” Eren said. “I’ve seen plenty of souls, some happy and some deep in despair. None of them were like yours.”

Levi sighed. “So my soul is just defective, that’s what you’re saying.”

“No, that’s not it. I think...” Eren screwed his face up, his mouth a thin line. “The other souls hurt for me to look at, but yours… it sings to me. It draws me into its orbit. I don’t think I could stay away for very long even if I wanted to.”

“But why? Is it because--” Levi stopped. He couldn’t say it, it was too silly, too arrogant.

“What?”

Levi shut his eyes. “Could we be soulmates?”

“Maybe,” Eren said. “I don’t really know how this stuff works any better than you do, so I can only guess. But I feel like… maybe I was meant to meet you. But even if it wasn’t meant to be, I’m still so glad.” 

He traced Levi’s jawline, then dipped down for a slow kiss. When he drew back and laid his head on the pillow next to Levi’s, gold flames flickered in his eyes. Whisper soft, he said, “I was alone for so long, but then I met you. Thank you, Levi.”

Levi knew he should say something here, but for the life of him, he had no idea what. His emotions, stiff and stagnant as they were, had already been drained dry for the day and it was still only morning. For a moment, he laid frozen with panic, convinced that Eren with his soul-gazing powers would see how hollow and inhuman Levi really was. Or, at the very least, be disappointed with his inability to reciprocate.

But in the face of Levi’s strained silence, Eren smiled with all the warmth of any living being. And somehow, eventually, Levi found himself smiling back.

They stayed there like that, together, as the morning stretched into day.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Eren has his own plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short, but enough to bump us to 60,000 words. The ending is coming up fast, y'all. Only about two chapters left now? I think?
> 
> In other news, my legal name change was granted and I've begun the process of updating my name and gender on my official documents! It's exhausting and expensive, but at least I haven't run into any problems so far.

Something clattered to the floor.

Levi blinked awake at the sound, then winced as he was blinded by the sunlight blaring through his bedroom window. When he could see again, he stumbled out into the living room to investigate the noise.

“Oh,” Eren said. He was perched on the coffee table, hands folded in his lap, a strained smile slapped across his mouth. “I was just about to come wake you.”

“I’m awake.” Levi looked around the living room, but nothing seemed to be amiss. “What fell?”

“Nothing.”

“And what are you doing out here?” Usually when Eren came to bed with Levi, Levi woke up to Eren curled around him like a cat soaking up heat from a computer.

“Nothing,” Eren repeated, still not moving from his perch. “You should take a shower, they’ll be here in about fifteen minutes.”

It took Levi a moment to figure out what Eren was talking about; his head was still fogged up from his accidental nap. Not to mention he had a headache from the sun. Or maybe his cold was coming back. “Erwin and Mike.”

“You said they’d be coming around noon, right? It’s fifteen ‘til.”

Levi squinted at the clock on the far wall and saw that Eren was right. Still, there were more important matters. “Why are you acting weird?”

Eren’s head tilted to one side. In his lap, his fingers knotted together tighter. “I’m acting weird?”

“I’m not stupid.” Eren never dodged questions, never stayed seated far away when he could hover around Levi instead. Levi could only think of two things that could’ve spooked Eren like this and Levi didn’t want to discuss one of them. “Do you-- is this about the kissing? We don’t have to again if you don’t want to.”

Eren’s stilted expression softened into something genuine that wasn’t quite grin and wasn’t quite a grimace. “No, I-- I want to,” he said, the words quiet and true. “I really want to. But you need to get ready.”

“I have time.”

Levi crossed over to where the coffee table was and bent just enough to meet Eren’s mouth. Eren’s lips opened under his with a hungry noise, but he pushed Levi back after just a few moments. “Shower, seriously. You stink.”

“Can you even smell?”

“It’s summer. You sweat. I can infer.”

Eren clearly wasn’t in the mood to give up any actual answers, so Levi reluctantly went to shower. Maybe it would help clear up his headache.

He stumbled when he stepped over the edge of the tub and had to slap his hand against the wall to stop himself from falling. He stayed there like that for a moment, bracing himself to get his balance back and get rid of the black spots dancing in front of his eyes.

Had he forgotten to eat dinner last night? It was hard to think through the headache, but finally he remembered that Erwin and Mike had stayed with him until late into the evening. They wouldn’t have let him get away with skipping a meal.

He had skipped breakfast though-- didn’t even drink his usual cup of coffee. That might explain it. Levi wouldn’t entertain any other options.

“Hey, are you all right in there?” Eren called from behind the door.

“I’m fine.”

“I heard--”

“I’m fine!” Levi straightened up again and started running the water, drowning out anything else Eren might have had to say.

Much as Levi wanted to stand under the spray and let it soothe his pounding head, he was on a deadline. He scrubbed himself clean and managed to get half-dressed before someone started knocking on his door.

Levi stopped pulling on clothes long enough to let Erwin in before retreating back to his bedroom to find a shirt and fix his hair. “Hold on, I’m almost ready.”

“I tried to call you; Mike couldn’t find a parking space, so he’s circling the building.”

“I was in the shower, didn’t get it,” Levi said, settling on a shirt. He fastened the buttons halfway up before realizing he missed one. With a huff, he started over. “Just a minute.”

“No rush.”

Where the hell was his comb? Levi searched his dresser and then his nightstand before Eren suddenly appeared next to him and said, “It’s by the sink.”

Levi crossed over to the bathroom and spotted the comb right where he’d left it yesterday. He passed it through his hair a few times, grimacing at how wet it still was. Whatever. It would dry soon enough.

From out in the living room, Erwin called, “Levi, did you write this?”

“Write what?” Levi asked, exchanging his comb for his toothbrush. He squirted out far too much toothpaste, but got to work on his teeth anyway. When Erwin didn’t answer him, Levi spat into the sink and raised his voice. “Write what?”

“Never mind, the professor must’ve left it yesterday.”

Levi finished up in the bathroom and then wandered out to see what the hell Erwin was talking about. Eren trailed after him, silent.

Erwin was reading something on a rather torn and crumbled piece of paper. All Levi could see was ERWIN written out in shaky letters, but it didn’t look anything like the harried handwriting he’d glimpsed in Dr. Hange’s notepads.

Levi sure hadn’t written it and Dr. Hange was probably out of the running too. Ymir and Historia knew that Erwin was in town and possibly could’ve slid a note under the door, but what could they have to say to him? That left just one suspect.

Levi shot a hard glance at Eren, resisting the urge to turn his head and glare at him full-on. Eren stared back at him. His face, usually so expressive, was closed off.

He had to work hard to keep his voice mild when he asked Erwin, “What is it?”

Predictably, Erwin didn’t give him a straight answer. He just folded the paper up and tucked it into his pocket. “Nothing, just some nonsense. Ready to go?”

No. Levi wanted to swing around and demand Eren tell him just what the fuck he thought he was doing. He wanted-- no, he  _ needed _ to know just what stupid, self-sabotaging thing Eren had done. Levi’s hands prickled, needing to seize Eren’s shoulders and shake him until the answers rattled out his mouth.

Last night, Eren had been devastated, crying as if he was heartbroken. Then he’d been eager to touch Levi, kiss him, practically starving for it. But now, Eren’s expression was hard and unrepentant. He met Levi’s gaze and offered up no explanation.

Fine. Levi would squeeze one out of him later. All that mattered right now was that whatever idiotic move Eren had made hadn’t worked. For once in his life, Levi was grateful for how stubborn Erwin could be about budging his perspective.

“Levi?”

“Let’s go.”

=====

Under different circumstances, it would’ve been a nice day.

Mike wanted a picture with the Rocky statue, so they obliged him. He bounded over the art museum steps like a gigantic golden retriever, spinning around with his arms raised in triumph to beam down at where Erwin and Levi were still trudging up. Erwin snapped Mike’s photo, then insisted they actually tour the museum since they were already there.

Levi wasn’t an artsy person-- none of them were, really-- but it was kind of pleasant to shuffle through the quiet halls of the museum, pausing now and then to stare at a painting or a sculpture. If he concentrated on the little details in front of him, it muffled some of the howling in his head.

When they were done with the Philadelphia Museum of Art, Erwin and Mike turned on Levi to ask what he wanted to do. Levi drew a blank, so Erwin pulled up a list of recommendations on his phone and shoved it under Levi’s nose.

That’s how they all wound up at the Mütter Museum, peering at human skulls, preserved tumors, and a rather gruesome corpse known as the Soap Lady.

Somehow Mike emerged with his appetite fully intact and dragged them to a place that supposedly made the best Philly cheesesteak in all of Philadelphia. Levi was hardly an expert in Philly cheesesteak, but it was pretty good. Still, he had to get Mike to finish off his sandwich. Erwin gave him a look, which Levi waved away.

“I had a big lunch,” he lied. It wasn’t like he could explain the real reason why his stomach was tied up in knots.

He didn’t think Erwin believed him, but Erwin didn’t press it.

When they got in the rental car and started heading back to the apartment, Erwin and Mike were lazy and content. Levi’s throat was clenched tight with anxiety. What was he supposed to say to Eren? He couldn’t just ignore it or brush it aside-- not something this big. Not that he even knew what “it” was exactly. Erwin wasn’t acting any different, so there was no way to tell what Eren wrote.

Levi could guess though. He didn’t like it.

To Levi’s dismay, Mike found a parking spot this time, so Levi slunk up to his apartment with Erwin and Mike on his heels. He took his time going up the stairs, then dallied with unlocking his door. He didn’t know what he’d find inside. A trashed living room? No, too easy to explain away as the work of a frenzied burglar. Maybe a message scrawled across the wall.

But when he finally pushed the door open, nothing seemed out of place. Levi scanned the living room discreetly as Erwin and Mike ambled inside. It didn’t look like any more notes had been left behind for them to pick up, but Levi hadn’t noticed the first one either.

Eren appeared in front of him so suddenly and so close that Levi jumped back. He couldn’t stop the gasp that shot from his mouth, making Erwin turn.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Levi said, trying to not stare at Eren so obviously. It was nearly impossible though-- Eren filled his entire field of view.

Eren regarded Erwin for a moment before his golden eyes slid back over to Levi and stayed. “You should sit down.”

Levi didn’t move. Neither did Eren.

“...You okay, little man?” Mike asked. “You’ve been sort of off all day.”

Eren kept staring. “Sit, Levi. Please.”

Reluctantly, Levi went for the couch. “It’s just a headache,” Levi told Mike. He sank down on the couch, slow and stiff. “I’ll be fine in a bit.”

Eren shifted to lean against couch arm. He reached out to where Levi’s hand laid on his thighs, but froze midway through the motion. His fingers curled in on themselves in a punishing grip.

“I’m sorry, Levi, really.” Eren’s voice wavered, but it didn’t dissolve into breathless sobs like the night before. “I never wanted things to turn out like this. I’m so sorry.”

Levi managed to bite down on the sharp  _ What? _ that wanted to fly from his lips, but he couldn’t stop his head from snapping around to face Eren. The moment his eyes connected with Eren’s, the dull throb of a headache working against Levi’s skull exploded into a piecing, scorching agony that knocked the breath from his lungs.

Fire. It blazed inside his skull and then down his spine, consuming Levi’s nervous system until he was aflame from his fingers and toes.

And as Levi burned, Eren glowed. Levi stared up at Eren standing over him, his skin flushed and his eyes so bright he might’ve been crying. He was brilliant. He was searing. Finally, Levi couldn’t look any more.

Just before Levi blacked out, Erwin and Mike shouted in alarm.

“What is--”

_“What are you doing to him?”_

=====

Levi didn't know how long he was out, but it couldn’t have been for more than a few moments. When he came to, his head still burned but it was nothing like the blazing agony from before. He cracked his eyes open and found Mike looming over him, hands hovering helplessly.

“You’re awake,” Mike said, a rush of air blowing out of him in relief. “Levi, do you need-- are you okay?”

Levi ignored Mike and pushed himself up against the arm of the couch so he can see around his massive frame. Erwin spotted his movement, but didn’t come towards him. He was too busy engaging Eren in a one-sided stand-off. Eren-- who was still aglow but dimming rapidly-- stared at Levi. It didn't seem liked he'd ever stopped. His wide eyes were apologetic, but there was no regret in the set of his mouth.

“What did you do?” Levi demanded. The words came out in a rasp.

“I’m sorry,” Eren said. “I wish I could’ve done this without hurting you.”

“ _ What are you doing? _ ”

Erwin broke in. “Can you hear him? Levi, how long has this been going on?”

“A while,” Levi snapped, then winced as the pain in his head flared.

“Leave him alone,” Erwin commanded. Finally, Eren looked away from Levi, turning towards Erwin. “Leave!”

“Don’t you dare--” Levi began, but it was too late. With a nod, Eren faded from view. Levi snarled. How was he going to get answers from Eren now? Eren would probably refuse to show himself no matter what Levi said now.

Frustrated, Levi turned on Erwin. “He can’t actually leave, you know. He’s stuck.”

“Then we’ll just have to get him un-stuck,” Erwin said, his voice grim. He pulled out his wallet and dug around in it until he withdrew a familiar business card.

Levi’s frustration with Eren went out like a candle dunked in ice cold water. “Hold on. Just what are you planning?”

Erwin already had his phone out. “An exorcism. That professor said it was possible.”

Levi’s legs trembled, but they still managed to propel across the room. He knocked the phone out of Erwin’s hand, sending it clattered loudly to the floor. The screen splintered.

“You can’t just fucking kill him!”

Erwin didn’t bend to retrieve his phone. He stood still, assessing Levi with that infuriating calm of his. “You can’t kill something that is already dead. We’re just putting it to rest.”

“His name is Eren and he’s not a thing,” Levi spat. “He’s a person, you can’t just kill him.”

“He’s a ghost, not a person,” Erwin said. He held one hand out toward Mike, but didn’t lift his eyes from Levi. “Mike, phone.”

Levi spun to Mike and shot him his most venomous look. “ _ Don’t. _ ”

Mike, still on the couch, didn’t move.

Levi turned back to Erwin. “Eren’s a person, a good person. He doesn’t deserve to be treated like a monster.”

“He’s been hurting you--”

“Eren’s been helping me!” Levi shouted, heedless of the way his head throbbed. It was getting better anyway. “He listens to me and keeps me company and makes me coffee in the morning. He--” Levi’s voice cracked, but he forged onward, quieter. “Erwin, you can’t. You said you never want to hurt me. If you do this, I’ll… don’t do this to me.”

Erwin’s stiff shoulders softened, but the thin line of his mouth held firm. “I don’t want to hurt you, Levi. But I won’t let you hurt yourself either.”

The red-hot heat was back, but it didn’t sear his skull this time. Instead, it blazed in Levi’s chest, furious flames leaping throughout his body.

“I’m a fucking grown man, not a little girl that needs your protection! I can make my own goddamn decisions, Erwin!”

“You know you’re not always in the right frame of mind to make decisions--”

“--I’m not suicidal, you fucking bastard!”

Finally, Erwin’s calm broke. “Then explain to me just what you think you’re doing right now! You heard the professor. You know what just happened. You want that ghost to keep sucking the life out of you until you’re gone? That’s suicide, Levi, no matter how you dress it up.”

Levi clenched his fists, just barely holding them back from flying at Erwin’s face. “If I want to die, that’s my own choice. Not yours.”

“Levi--”

“If you call Dr. Hange,” Levi declared. “I’ll hate you.”

For a moment, Erwin faltered. His chest crumbled as though Levi had struck him there. Erwin did his best to keep the pain from registering on his face, but his eyes spoke loud and clear. But then, Erwin’s jaw twitched and he leaned over and picked up his phone. A prod at the screen showed that it was still in working order.

Erwin straightened and locked his gaze on Levi. “Fine,” he said. “Hate me. So long as you’re alive to do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Levi gives something up and takes something for himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, just the epilogue left now. Brace yourself, it's gonna be a bittersweet ride.

Levi could hear them on the other side of the bedroom door. Erwin and Mike kept their voices low, too low for Levi to make out the individual words. He could clearly hear the tone of the conversation though-- the concern, the stress, the bewilderment.

Levi wished they would just leave. That  _ everything _ would just leave. All he wanted to do was fall asleep and forget about it all for at least a little while. But he couldn’t even manage to do that. So he just laid still, one arm over his eyes. Breathed in. Breathed out.

There was nothing else he could do.

He didn’t know how much time passed, but the room became darker. Levi’s skin prickled with goosebumps and he shivered. He craned his neck to see Eren sitting on the corner of the mattress, down by Levi’s feet. Eren looked back. Neither of them said anything.

Eventually, Levi’s neck started to hurt. He let his head drop back to his pillow. Moving slowly so Levi had plenty of time to protest, Eren shifted to lay down. Levi did nothing, so Eren stretched out along his side and pressed his face into the dip between Levi’s neck and shoulder.

Finally, Eren spoke. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” He whispered it into Levi’s sensitive skin and he shuddered again. “I just didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry.”

All the fury had burnt out of Levi long ago. So when he asked, “And what exactly are you doing?” there was no anger-- only exhaustion.    


“Things can’t keep going like this, Levi. The more I stay with you, the harder it is to leave. So I...” Eren’s fingers found Levi’s and twined together. He squeezed gently. “...I need to leave before anything happens to you. I’m wearing you down. I can see it. I know you know it, even if you don’t want to admit. Maybe it’s not so bad now, but it only takes one accident, one spot of bad luck, for everything to fall apart.”

“I don’t care about the risk,” Levi said. The words came out sharp and noisy. He lowered his voice so Erwin and Mike wouldn’t figure out he had company. “I don’t care. You’re worth the risk to me.”

A few weeks ago-- a few days ago, even-- Levi couldn’t have said this aloud. It would’ve been like peeling his skin back-- too painful, too exposing. But it was so easy now, with Eren’s face hidden from him and all of Levi’s most vulnerable spots already laid bare. He could say anything and it wouldn’t matter.

“It’s not a risk,” Eren said. “It’s an inevitability.”

“And it’s my life! I can decide what to do with it!”   


For a moment, that seemed to silence Eren. But then he sat up, leaning forward into Levi’s line of view. His hand still grasped Levi’s. “Whether to live or die is your decision,” he agreed. “I know you make that decision every day. But Levi… shouldn’t I get some say in whether or not I kill you?”   


Something heavy settled on Levi’s chest. Guilt, hard and cold like stone. He opened his mouth, but the guilt pressed down and stole the breath from him. 

Eren’s thumb stroked along the back of Levi’s hand. “I don’t want to kill you,” he said. “Please don’t make me responsible for your death.”    


Levi’s eyes stung. He tore his hand from Eren so that he could swipe it across his eyes, but the stinging wouldn’t stop. His face burned. Levi kept scrubbing until finally Eren’s hand closed around his again to stop him.

“Listen to me--”

“--What was the fucking point? Why did any of this happen if it was just going to end up like this?” Levi demanded. “You said you thought we were meant to meet. You said that you were--” The guilt weighing on his chest burst and suddenly Levi was sobbing, choking out his words. “You were lonely. You were lonely like me.”

“Levi.” Impossibly, Eren was smiling. Nothing like his usual, effortless thousand-watt grin, but a smile all the same. “I’m not lonely.”

“What?”

“You spoke to me. You listened to me. You touched me. I died alone and spent years alone. But I’m not lonely anymore because you’ve been with me.” Eren sighed with no breath in his chest, then steeled his shoulders. “And I… I’ve felt for some time now that means it’s time for me to move on. I feel like I  _ can _ move on now. The only thing holding me here is...”

Eren trailed off. He didn’t say “you,” but Levi didn’t need to hear it.

“What about me then?” Levi snapped. “I’m still-- Eren, you can’t--”

Eren bent over and quieted him with a kiss to his forehead. Levi shut his eyes-- he could barely see through the tears anyway. Eren kissed his brow, then both of his still stinging eyes.

“You have people who are here for you, if you want them,” he told Levi. His voice rasped. Levi wondered if Eren would be crying too now if he was capable. “I wish I could be one of them, but I can’t. I never could be. Levi, you can be sad. You can be angry. But please, let me go. For my sake, if not for yours.”

It struck Levi: his  _ bibi _ ’s funeral. That’d been the last time he’d cried. He didn’t speak the entire day of the burial, not to his uncle, not to his cousins, not to any of the people from the neighborhood. He didn’t even speak to Erwin when it was over and Erwin came to tuck Levi under his arm. But he cried. He cried until he thought he’d surely run himself dry.

Now, he couldn’t seem to stop.

“Look at me,” Eren said and somehow Levi forced his eyes open. He took in the planes of Eren’s face, the slope of his smile, the ridiculous way his hair fell. Eren cupped his cheek. “You’ve got to give me up, Levi.”

Someone knocked on the door. Levi nearly shouted for Erwin to go away, but it was Mike who hesitantly asked, “Levi? Are you-- Do you need anything?”

He realized that he hadn’t bothered to stifle his crying at all.

For a moment, Levi didn’t answer, torn between embarrassment and spite. But then he pushed himself up, wiped his face, and shuffled to the door. He opened it just a crack.

Mike’s gaze flickered over Levi’s no doubt splotchy face, but he didn’t comment on it. He didn’t comment on the fact that Eren was laying on Levi’s bed either, so Levi supposed he was back to being invisible. Mike just said, “Hey. You wanna talk?”

“No.” Levi tried to look past Mike into the living room, but he was too big and Levi wasn’t willing to open the door wider. “Has Erwin... did he call Dr. Hange?”

Mike grimaced and shot a quick glance over his shoulder. “Not yet.”

Levi’s throat was closing up. He took a deep breath and forced the words out while he still could. “Tell him to call.”   


He shut the door before Mike had a chance to reply. He breathed in and out again. Once more. Finally, he turned to face Eren.

Eren smiled. “Thank you.”

=====

Levi stayed in his room, curled up around Eren in bed, but he heard when Dr. Hange arrived just a couple hours later. It was getting late; they sounded tired when Erwin greeted them at the door. All three of them out in the living room kept their voices hushed, so it was easy for Levi to tune them all out when they started going over what the exorcism would entail.

He focused on Eren in front of him instead.

“Are you scared?” he asked. Eren hesitated, long enough that Levi tacked on, “Don’t lie to make me feel better.”

“I’m a little scared,” Eren admitted. “I don’t know where I’m headed after this, if I even do go anywhere.”

“Maybe you’ll be able to see Mikasa and Armin.” Levi was trying his best to find a bright side in all this-- so far, that was the best he could come up with.

“Maybe.” 

Eren had been staring at Levi without blinking for nearly an hour now, the side of his face pressed against the pillow they shared. Levi didn’t think Eren even closed his eyes when he leaned in to kiss him, but he couldn’t be sure since his own eyes always slid shut. If Levi could go an hour without blinking, he’d probably do the same.

“I’ll miss you,” Eren said. “If I’m… you know, conscious enough to be missing people.”

“You’ll miss Netflix more.”

Eren laughed. He didn’t refute it. He didn’t need to. Still, it didn’t sit right with Levi to leave it at that.

“I’ll miss you too,” he said.

Eren smiled his softest smile, the one that made his gold eyes crinkle until they were nothing more than slivers of starlight. “I hope you’re around to miss me for a really long time then.”

“I promised,” Levi reminded him. He needed Eren to remember this, couldn't bear the idea that Eren might leave with any doubt in his mind. “I-- I’ll try my best.”

“I know.” Eren kissed him, his nose nudging along Levi’s. He sighed, then kissed him again, lingering against his lips for a long moment. “...All I want is for you to keep trying, for as long as you can.”

They laid there awhile longer, not saying much-- just looking, just touching, careful and slow-- until finally someone knocked on the door. They didn’t wait for Levi to answer; he’d only managed to prop himself up on his elbow when Dr. Hange suddenly poked their head inside.

“We’re pretty much ready to go out here.”

Levi didn’t say anything.

Dr. Hange frowned and mussed their already wild hair. “You, uh, you need to leave,” they went on. “If the ghost is leeching off of you, you could get hurt if you’re near the haunting site during the exorcism. Plus, it’ll just be easier. A clean break, you know?”

Levi did not know. In his experience, there was no such thing was a clean break outside of snapped bones.  


Eren pressed a kiss just above the collar of Levi’s shirt. “To be honest, I’d rather you weren’t here for it either.”

Dr. Hange twitched at Eren’s voice, but no matter how carefully their eyes scanned the room, they couldn’t lock onto Eren.

Levi cleared his throat, but it was still hoarse from his crying earlier. “Give me a minute.”

“A minute,” Dr. Hange agreed. They shut the door.

Moving sluggishly as if his bones ached, Levi heaved himself off his bed. He was still dressed from going out with Erwin and Mike. His clothes were terribly wrinkled from lying around in them, but he didn’t care. It only took a couple seconds to shove his feet into the shoes he’d kicked aside earlier. With that done, he stood still, lingering.

Eren appeared beside him with Levi’s phone. “Take it,” he said, pressing the phone into Levi’s hand. “So they can call you when it’s done.”

Levi clenched his fingers around the phone, then seized the front of Eren’s shirt to drag him down for one kiss. He didn’t need to pull. Eren went easily, smiling against Levi’s mouth-- smiling, somehow, damn him, damn it all. He didn’t need to pull, but there was a sour, futile tornado tearing through Levi’s stomach and up into his chest and he wanted to spit it out, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t do anything.

Except letting Eren go. Except stepping back, breath coming in quick bursts. He took in the impossible sight of Eren one last time, though he doubted he’d ever manage to forget his handsome face, his too-long bangs, the easy way he smiled-- even now.

He didn’t want to say goodbye, but he didn’t know what else to say either. What was one meant to say about death anyway?

Eren’s head tipped into that familiar tilt. Levi knew he was probably seeing Levi’s conflicting unease, knew Eren could probably untangle the mess of feelings in Levi’s gut better than he could. Sure enough, Eren’s smile softened. His eyes didn’t dim in the least.

“It’s okay,” he told Levi. “I know.”

That’d have to be good enough because Hange was probably about to burst back into the room any second. Levi nodded, slid the phone into his pants pocket, and held his hand out to Eren.

Eren didn’t take it, but he pressed his fingers against Levi’s for just a moment, just as he had that very first time. Then he took his hand back. “Go.”

Levi went.

He didn’t afford himself a glance back at Eren. He threw his bedroom door open and stalked through the living room, brushing past Dr. Hange and refusing to even acknowledge Erwin. Neither of them tried to engage him. Mike followed him to the front door though, not intimidated by Levi’s foul expression.

“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.

“No.” He unlocked the door with a loud clack. “...I’ve got my phone.”

“Okay,” Mike said, backing off. “We’ll call you.”

Levi let the door slam on his way out. He walked down the hallway at first, but the chaos whipping inside spurred him on until he was suddenly running. He hurtled down the stairs, not giving a single fuck at the possibility of falling. His feet landed on solid ground though, so he dashed out into the street, past his parked car, and was careening around the corner when he crashed into someone.

“Whoa, what the hell-- Levi! What are-- hey, Levi!”

The person latched onto his wrist before he could make his getaway. Levi looked, finally. Ymir, he registered. Historia too. Both were dressed like they’d just come from a club or a party. Historia’s makeup was smudged just a bit, but her hair still looked as flawless as ever. Ymir was sweaty, as if she’d been dancing.

It occurred to Levi, at the moment, just how late it was. It was easy to forget that time was moving forward when he was alone with Eren. Time didn’t touch Eren and Levi was too willing to let it slip by him.

Of course, that’d always been a problem of his. 

“Dude, are you all right?” Ymir asked. “You look-- well, you look not all right.”

_ I’m fine. _ The words rose up in his throat automatically, but Levi clenched his jaw. Ymir had loosened her grip, but she was still holding his wrist. Historia’s eyes were on him, assessing but unusually gentle for her.

He unclenched his jaw and made himself breathe. Once, twice, over and over until finally the whirlwind inside him broke apart into wisps.

“I’m not,” he muttered. He spoke to the ground. “I’m not all right.”

The truth hung between them like the odor from something dead-- _dying_. But suddenly Levi could breathe easier, could actually taste the night air and hear the sounds of the city over his pounding pulse.

He couldn’t regret it. 

A touch to his shoulder startled him, but it was just Historia laying her hand on him. “Hey, you wanna go get some coffee or something?”

“...I don’t have my wallet.” Or his keys, he realized. All he had was his phone and the promise that Erwin and Mike would call. 

“That’s okay, man.” Ymir squeezed his wrist. “It’ll be our treat.”

He should have said no. Monday morning was just hours away and the girls likely had class or work. They shouldn’t be spending money on him anyway; they were students with bills to pay, loans waiting for them, savings needed for their future plans.

But Levi was not all right. He was hungry, aching all over, fucking tired, and he’d given up so much already tonight. So maybe, just this once, it would be okay to take.

“That would be nice,” he said. And that, too, was the truth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll see y'all one more time for the epilogue, assuming you don't hate me now.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which people leave, but Levi stays and stays and stays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, posting the final chapter late on a Sunday night when probably everyone is going to bed for work/school in the morning. Oh well. Thanks for sticking with me until the very end!
> 
> (I will look at this chapter tomorrow and be ashamed of all the typos...)

Mike couldn’t miss any more work, so he returned to Detroit on schedule after pressing Levi into a hug so tight he thought his ribs would surely crack.

“Call me, okay?” he said. “If you want to talk or complain about Erwin or you’re just feeling lonely. Call me any time.”

Levi agreed. Mostly so Mike would leave, but partly because he already knew that Mike was a good listener.

Erwin did not go home. He made some sort of arrangement at work so that he could stay in Philadelphia for a while-- Levi did not know for how long because he was not talking to Erwin, except to occasionally curse him out or sneer at him to get his ass back to Detroit or just yell because Levi’s body couldn’t contain his own rage any longer.

To his credit, Erwin bore Levi’s anger without any protests. When Levi cursed at him, Erwin just listened attentively as if they were having a reasonable discussion. When Levi told him to leave, he just shook his head. When Levi shouted and slammed doors so hard they rattled in their frames, Erwin seemed almost pleased.

It took Levi three days to figure out why: Levi had never been able to stay mad at Erwin for this long. He’d never been able to sustain  _ any _ emotion for this long. Irrational rage that simmered for days and boiled over at the slightest provocation may not exactly be healthy, but it was a definite step up from Levi’s usual nothingness.

So on the fourth day, when Erwin approached him with a meticulously researched list of nearby therapists, Levi didn’t ball up the paper and throw it back in Erwin’s face. He didn’t even ignore Erwin. He took the list, sulked off into his bedroom to look the therapists up online himself, and called later that day to make an appointment.

When he went to see a therapist for the first time in five years on the seventh day, he was still angry but the fury was beginning to wear down. He didn’t know what would replace it, when it was gone-- if anything would replace it. Levi tried not to think about it much though because his thoughts only led in one direction lately and that was somewhere he couldn’t go.

On the ninth day, Erwin finally departed for Detroit. Levi drove him to the airport since Mike had returned their rental when he left. Erwin didn’t try to speak to him the entire ride. But when Erwin got out in the drop-off lane, he took his time getting his luggage together, delaying long enough that Levi finally parked the car and walked around to where Erwin was. 

“Have a safe flight,” Levi said. He managed to quell his fuming long enough that the words didn’t come out sarcastic. 

“Can I give you a hug?”

Levi shrugged, which Erwin took for the permission that it was. He leaned over and squeezed Levi around the shoulders-- carefully, briefly. It was just a second or two, but it was long enough for Levi to realize that yes, he was still mad at Erwin, but he didn’t actually want him to leave.  _ Stay a while longer _ was right on the tip of his tongue. Erwin would, if he asked, even if Levi just kept alternating between ignoring him and yelling. Erwin would do anything if he thought it would help Levi.

His lips stayed sealed though. It was time for Erwin to go home. Time for Levi to figure out how to live in his apartment alone, time for Levi to start building an actual life in this city rather than just a last resort bolthole. 

When Erwin straightened up again, he smiled tentatively. “I won’t ask you to call me, since I know you don’t want to right now,” he said. “But please keep calling Mike, okay?”

“...Okay,” Levi agreed.

Erwin’s smile grew just a little bolder. “You’re the strongest person I know. You always have been,” he said-- fact-like, as though he’d conducted a thorough investigation and written a full analysis. “You know that, right?”

“Get out of here before that security guard gets mad at us for hogging the drop-off lane,” Levi said. He gave Erwin a shove, but there was zero chance Erwin hadn’t noticed the hot flush burning up his face. “Go on, move.”

Erwin went, still grinning ever so slightly. He turned back around just before stepping through the automatic doors. “And if you do want to talk to me, you can call any time.” 

“I know,” Levi snapped, temper getting away from him for easily the tenth time that day. Somehow, it only made Erwin smile wider and Levi hated how much he resembled Eren in that moment.

=====

“Were you able to make it to your neighbors’ graduation party?” Maelle asked. Like many of the other therapists Levi had seen, she preferred to open sessions with small talk.

“It turned into an engagement party halfway through,” Levi told her.

“Oh?”

Levi explained how it went down. The whole thing unfolded not long after he showed up, since he deliberately arrived late. Hanging out with Ymir and Historia was one thing, but he wasn’t too sure about contending with a whole mob of tipsy and outright drunk college students. He didn’t even like college parties when he was in college. So his aim was to drop off his gift, make his congratulations, linger long enough to not be rude, and then go.

He was on step three when Ymir suddenly exclaimed, “No fair!” loud enough to be heard over the chatter and music. Levi-- and just about everyone else in the room-- turned towards the corner where Historia has evidently pulled Ymir aside for a now-not-so-private moment.

It only took Levi a moment to realize what had happened: Historia had beat Ymir to the punch.

The rest of the room was left in the dark until Ymir sputtered, “I was gonna-- I have it right here!” and then dug around in her pocket, pulled out a ring, and got down on one knee.

The crowd went wild.

Historia’s cheeks burned pink, but she was grinning broadly as she tried to push Ymir back up onto her feet. “No, I asked you first!”

“You didn’t do the knee thing though! It doesn’t count unless you do the knee thing!”

“That’s ridiculous, of course it counts.”

“But--”

“Somebody just say yes!” a voice shouted from across the room and both the women began laughing.

And from then on out, it was an engagement party. Everyone crowded around to ooh and ahh over the pair of rings and interrogate the women on what kind of wedding they wanted to have and when was the date and would they be invited?

Levi waited for some of the fervor to settle down before approaching the pair with his second round of congratulations. When Ymir spotted him approaching though, she grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Tell her, Levi,” she demanded. “Didn’t I have the ring ready to go ages ago?”

“She told me she finished it the day we went to brunch,” Levi confirmed.

Historia sniffed. “Yeah, but I’ve been saving up for yours since last semester-- right, Levi?”

“I don’t know about last semester, but... yeah.”

“Wait, you knew about this? Both of them?” a girl with pastel purple hair demanded.

Levi shrugged. “They both swore me to secrecy.”

And then there was no way he could slip away any time soon because everyone wanted to hear the story from him, no matter how much he protested that it wasn’t much of a story.

“Did you have a good time?” Maelle asked. “Or did it end up being overwhelming for you?”

Levi had to consider that. “It was okay. I don’t think I’d want to do it again though. Too many people at once. But… it was still good to see people.”

“When did Erwin leave?” Maelle was annoyingly perceptive, but Levi supposed it was her job to be that way.

“About a week ago.”

“And how has that been? When we last spoke, you seemed eager for him to leave.”

That was putting it politely; Levi had ranted to Maelle about Erwin for at least full five minutes during their first couple of sessions. “I’m still mad at him,” Levi said. “But-- well, I knew from the start that being angry was kind of irrational. And now that there’s some distance, it seems even more irrational.”

“And why’s that?” Maelle asked, casually reaching for the notepad she kept at the desk next to her armchair.

Levi eyed the notebook warily, but didn’t object when she opened it and jotted something down. “Because he was just trying to look out for me, even if I didn’t--  _ don’t _ \-- appreciate it. And because I would’ve done the same thing if the situation was reversed.”

Maelle nodded, scribbled something else down, and then focused her full attention on him again. She had warm, brown eyes that complemented her deep skin tone and made her appear always just one moment away from smiling. Levi knew that Erwin likely put her on his therapist shortlist because her website made it clear that she was very trans-friendly, but Levi had picked her because of her picture.

She looked absolutely nothing like Eren, and yet she reminded Levi of him somehow.

Gently, Maelle asked, “Today would you like to talk about what happened?”

During the first session, Levi had skirted around any discussion of why exactly he’d come back into therapy after years of giving up on it. All he told her was that he was depressed, had been most of his life, and was tired of living that way. At that initial appointment, it had all still been too raw-- not to mention she likely wouldn’t believe any of it.

(Dr. Hange had called him to re-confirm that they could use the data they’d gathered about Eren in their research. He told them yes, but refused to let them interview him for the full story on Eren. He suspected that Dr. Hange would ask him to dish more details again later, but for the moment, at least, they seemed content to leave him alone and work on getting their research published.)

“It’s kind of… complicated,” Levi hedged. “I don’t really know if I can explain all of it.”

“You don’t have to explain everything. Just whatever you’re comfortable talking about for now.”

Levi considered that, trying to work out a version of the story he could tell her that wouldn’t make him sound delusional. Then he considered whether he even wanted to talk about it at all. He’d never explained to Ymir and Historia why he was upset that night. He’d circumvented any discussion of it with Mike during their calls. And of course he hadn’t spoken to Erwin about it. 

He didn’t want to talk about Eren. But even more, he didn’t want to break his promise to Eren either.

So he decided to try.

“Well,” he began. “I lost someone recently.”

=====

The forty-fifth day started out bad. Levi woke up early from a nightmare he couldn’t remember and stayed curled up on his mattress through all three of his phone’s alarms. It was a weekday though, so finally he forced himself out of his bedroom to get to work. He didn’t bother with washing up or getting dressed, or even making coffee. He just sat down in front of his computer and forced himself to work, one line at a time. 

The apartment was too quiet. Levi had been trying to take his work out with him, set up his laptop at a coffee shop or whatever so he could get more fresh air and social interaction, but he only ever managed it on good days. This was not one of those days.

Someone called in the late morning. Levi ignored his phone and ignored it again when it pinged to tell him he had a voice mail. But when it rang again a couple hours later, he glanced down and was startled to see Historia’s name on the screen. He didn’t even realize she was programmed into his contacts.

Levi scrubbed one hand over his face slowly and answered. “Hello?”

“Do you like cats?”

“...They’re all right?”

“You’re not allergic to them are you,” Historia asked.

“No. Why?”

“Okay, so, Mr. Eisenhardt’s cat had kittens and they are really super cute, but he can’t take care of them all, so he’s giving some away. They already had their shots and got fixed and everything. But I can’t take one because Ymir is allergic-- like, seriously allergic, her throat closes up, I had to take her to the ER once-- but I thought maybe you might want one?”

His mind was too sluggish-- skipping coffee was a big mistake. It took Levi a moment to digest everything. The image of Mr. Eisenhardt, Historia’s crabby boss, owning a cat and taking care of kittens was by far the hardest to absorb. “I-- maybe?”

“You could stop in at the deli and just have a look at them,” Historia suggested. “Have you eaten lunch yet? You could get lunch too while you’re at it.”

Levi had not eaten lunch, nor did he have any interest in making lunch. In the end, that was what pushed him out the door.

Two hours later, Levi’s stomach was full and he was back in his apartment with a bag full of cat supplies and a striped brown kitten that squirmed in his grip until he set her down. The kitten scampered off to sniff around, so Levi set up her food and water bowls and her litter box before getting back to work. He thought for a moment to text Mike-- although it wasn’t the dog Mike always wanted him to get, he would still be pleased-- but he was too tired. He could text Mike the next day.

Maybe Mike would have some name ideas.

Her number one priority seemed to be sleeping, since she soon curled up on the couch in a tiny ball and dozed for most of the afternoon. Levi wished he could do the same, but naps didn’t pay the bills.

The kitten woke up eventually to resume her exploring. She stole the pen from beside Levi and batted it through the living room, chasing it when it rolled into the kitchen. Just a couple minutes later, she started-- well, meowing, but it sounded more like crying. Levi ignored her for a while, but eventually it became too distracting.

“What?” he grumbled as he followed the kitten’s mews into the kitchen. She had one leg stuck in the tiny gap between the refrigerator and the counter, swatting. “Did you knock my pen back there?”

She didn’t answer him, of course, but the pen was nowhere in sight so it seemed likely. Levi carefully nudged the cat out of the way before shoving the fridge farther to the opposite side. As he bent to retrieve the pen, he spotted something brown and granular on the floor.

Coffee grounds.

With a grunt, Levi pushed the fridge as far over as it would go, revealing even more coffee grounds. How the hell did they wind up back here? Levi couldn’t even remember spilling any coffee grounds lately. He--

Eren.   

He could imagine it easily. Coffee had just started appearing one morning with the kitchen in perfect order, but Eren had to have messed it up on his first few attempts-- if not his first dozen. Using too much force and knocking the coffee container over. Losing control in the middle of carrying a spoonful of grounds through the air and sending them flying. Levi remembered Eren confessing how much effort it took for him to push the glass shards from the light bulbs into a neat pile. It must’ve been even harder for him to lift individually spilled coffee grounds into the trash. Negotiating a broom and dustpan would’ve been out of the question too. So Eren just pushed the grounds under the fridge and hoped Levi would never notice.  

Levi laughed. It bubbled up and out of him in a burst that startled both him and the kitten. And then he couldn’t seem to stop. He stepped backwards until he hit the counter and then sank down onto the floor, laughing and clutching at his sides. He didn’t know why it was all so funny-- it wasn’t funny at all, really. But there was so much emotion brimming inside of him that it had to come out somehow. Better laughter than tears. 

The kitten took Levi’s new position on the floor as an invitation to climb into his lap. Levi stroked her as his frantic laughter settled down into hiccuping chuckles, his chest aching from his lungs’ strain. She purred and kneaded his leg with her small paws and tiny claws.

“What do you think, Mocha?” he asked. “Should I clean it up or leave it?”

Mocha cracked one eye open and made a noise that was a bit like a chirp.

Levi scratched her behind her ears. “Yeah. I guess it can’t hurt to let it stay a while longer.”  

=====

Levi wasn’t counting the days any longer. But it was probably about three months since he’d last seen Eren when he got a letter in the mail from Erwin.

That was strange in and of itself. Erwin had never mailed Levi before. There had never been any need to. Levi couldn’t imagine what could have created the need now. But it was harder to ignore a letter than it was to ignore a call and Levi had dismissed the few calls Erwin had made to him since going back to Detroit.

He opened the envelope. 

Two papers were folded up inside. Levi pulled out the one with Erwin’s scrawl on it first. He skimmed the brief letter, not really registering the words until his gaze skid across,  _ I don’t know if he would have wanted you to read it, but I don’t feel right keeping it, so-- _

Levi flung the letter aside and took out the other paper. He recognized it now-- all crumpled up, though Erwin had clearly tried to smooth it flat. On the other side, Erwin’s name was spelled out in shaky letters.

Levi hands shook too as he unfolded Eren’s note to Erwin.

It was barely legible-- controlling a pen while in a spectral form apparently require fine motor skills that had been beyond Eren. Sections were crossed out heavily, some places so heavily that the paper was torn. Levi could make out the important parts though, the parts Eren had poured all his attention and care into so that the words would come out clean as could be.

It was nothing Levi didn’t know already. Nothing he couldn’t have guessed, anyway. But it still stole his breath from him to read  _ You might think it’s foolish for the dead to fear for the living, but God help me, I love him and I am so afraid. _

Yes, Levi had known. But to see the proof of it, forever inscribed in ink by Eren’s sheer force of will, brought Levi quite suddenly to tears.

Eren knew too, Levi reminded himself and he scrubbed furiously at his eyes. He hadn’t been able to put it into words for Eren, but Eren had said so:  _ It’s okay. I know.   _

Something soft brushed against his ankles. Levi looked down at Mocha winding between his legs. She meowed, tail curled like a question mark. 

“You’re lucky you’re a cat,” he told her. “Your emotions aren’t so damn complicated.”

Mocha continued rubbing against him, so he bent down to pet her until finally she was satisfied and sauntered off. When he rose, he reached for Erwin’s letter to read properly this time. But halfway through the motion, Levi changed his mind. He picked up his phone instead.

Erwin answered after just three rings.

“I got the letter,” Levi said. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Each syllable was measured, careful, like Erwin was scared he might break the moment. It was, after all, the nicest thing Levi had said to Erwin since the exorcism. 

Levi didn’t want to do this now, but he wouldn’t want to do it ever, so it’d be better to just get it over with. He took a breath. “I never hated you,” Levi confessed. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right,” Erwin said. “I-- there were things I should’ve done differently too.”

Levi hadn’t yet imagined this conversation beyond this point, so he doesn’t know what to say next. Fortunately, Erwin is willing and able to fill the gap.

“Mike says you starting volunteering with a refugee agency?”

So Levi tells him about translating for the agency, meeting the new arrivals and helping them with their paperwork and appointments. He reads Arabic for work every weekday, but it had been a long time since he’d heard it spoken, let it roll off his own tongue. It reminds him of his  _ bibi _ , of course, but not in a bad way. It feels good, actually, to remember her in this way.

Maybe one day, remembering Eren will be the same.

Talk about volunteering soon drifts into talk about how Levi has been trying to get into the habit of jogging in the morning-- so far not much success, but he’s working on it-- and how he has taken to driving around town so he can learn all the sights, sometimes stopping to check out a destination that catches his eye. He tells Erwin about seeing a movie with Ymir and Historia and the complicated dinner recipes he’s been attempting instead of defaulting to his usual simple stand-bys.

Before Levi knows it, nearly half an hour has gone by of him talking and Erwin just listening and occasionally prompting him with questions. The realization makes him trail off, a bit self-conscious. Erwin steps up to fill the gap before the sudden silence got awkward.

“Do you think you’ll visit Detroit any time soon?” he asked. “You could bring Mocha-- Mike says pictures aren’t enough, he needs to meet her.”

Levi snorted. “What happened to trying to drag me back home?”

“You sound like you’re doing fine out there.”

He wasn’t wrong. Levi wasn’t doing great by any means, of course. There were still plenty of bad days, days when he woke up and immediately regretted his consciousness, days when he felt like he’d been hollowed out inside and left to gape. But he was sticking with his therapist. He was reaching out when he felt alone, getting out of the apartment when the memories pressed in too close, he was trying, trying, always trying.

And some days, he could breathe easy. Some days, it felt like the trying was all paying off. On those days, he found himself thinking about Eren and how quick he was to smile. Sometimes, he could smile too and mean it.

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I’m doing fine." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few final notes:
> 
> 1) This story was loosely inspired by what I call the Lady in the Park arc in xxxHolic (chapters 35-38 of the manga, episodes 22/23 of the first anime season.) xxxHolic is one of my all-time favorite manga and the Lady in the Park arc is easily my favorite arc in it-- even though it is terribly sad. Check it out if you're interested and if you have read/end up reading all of xxxHolic, come yell at me about it on tumblr. (zhedang.tumblr.com)
> 
> 2) I did not think it would take me this long to finish GUTG! And to think I wrote the ENTIRE rough draft in under 30 days back in November 2015. Some sections of the story were changed a lot, but others remained the same. The subplot about Historia and Ymir getting engaged was the biggest change (and best, in my opinion.)
> 
> 3) There's no cure-all for depression. But as someone who has struggled with depression and still struggles with it, I can tell you sincerely that it CAN get better. You just have to keep trying, as exhausting as it can be. So if you are going through a hard time-- if you've been going through a hard time for a long time-- take a moment to be proud of the strength it took for you to arrive to this day. I wish you the strength to keep moving forward. I know you can do it; you've already survived everything life has thrown at you so far. Please treat yourself kindly and please keep trying. The world is a better place with you in it.

**Author's Note:**

> give up the ghost:  
> \- to cease clinging to life; to die  
> \- to quit, to cease functioning  
> \- to cede a commitment to or identification with


End file.
